“Sir, I’m afraid I have bad news. It’s about Iraq.”
“Sigh. Iraq, Iraq, Iraq. Always Iraq. What is it now?”
“Well, a recent study shows that the pace of deployments in Iraq has stretched the Army to the breaking point.”
“What!?”
“It gets worse, sir. The study says that ‘the Army cannot sustain the pace of troop deployments to Iraq long enough to break the back of the insurgency.’ I’m afraid that’s a direct quote, sir.”
“This is an outrage! Who wrote that report? Was it that old windbag Murtha?”
“Um, no sir. It’s a retired Army officer named Krepinevich.”
“Ah. Some disgruntled officer. Who’d he write it for? Some left-wing blog?”
“Uh, no sir. He wrote it under contract for the Pentagon. And General Joulwan agrees with him, sort of.”
“Who the heck is General Joulwan?”
“Four-star general, sir. Former commander of NATO.”
“Ah. French, is he?”
“No sir. He’s one of ours.”
“Can we make him look French? Does he talk funny?”
“Doubtful, sir.”
“Sigh. OK, what does this French guy say?”
“Sir, he’s not …”
“He is whatever we say he is, if we say it enough times. Now what does he say?”
“He said, ‘Whether they’re broken or not, I think I would say if we don’t change the way we’re doing business, they’re in danger of being fractured and broken, and I would agree with that.’”
“Arrghhh! ... OK, there’s only one thing to do.”
“Yes, sir, I agree. I’ll call Secretary Rumsfeld and tell him to start working on a gradual exit strategy.”
“No, you idiot! We can’t do that!”
“Sir?”
“How long have you been working here, boy? This is the Bush White House! We don’t listen to bad news. We don’t take advice. And we never, ever, ever change our minds. Get it?”
“But sir, the report …”
“Forget the damn report, son! We’re at war here. And by war, I mean we’re at war with anyone who suggests that everything isn’t going great!”
“Yes, sir.”
“Get those Swift Boat guys on it. I want this Krepwhoever disgraced. And this French general, too. If we can make this about them, nobody will be talking about whether the report is true or not. Question their military records! If they won any medals, claim they weren’t really earned. We got any more of those purple Band-Aids?”
“I can check, sir.”
“Good. I want a million of them on the streets by tomorrow. And get Limbaugh and Hannity on the phone. Have them demand that this Kreplach character and that Frenchy Joulwan release every scrap of paper the military ever generated about them, right down to requisition forms for socks, and if they’re not produced, tell them the American people demand to know where the socks are!”
“Yes, sir.”
“Get hold of some of our useful idiots in the media. Whatever happened to that guy that always lobbed us softball questions in the Press Room?”
“He went back to his former job as a gay hooker, sir.”
“Pity. OK, call that Matthews guy on “Hardball.” Have them say that the Pentagon report sounds like something Osama bin Laden would say.”
“Um, sir ….”
“And O’Reilly. O’Reilly’s perfect for this sort of thing. Tell him to say the report only emboldens the enemy.”
“You want me to have Bill O’Reilly tell the American people that the Pentagon is emboldening the enemy?”
“Son, do you like your job?”
“Yes sir.”
“Do you love terrorists?”
“No, sir.”
“And who’s the enemy again?”
“Everyone who suggests that things aren’t going great, sir.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Have Bill O’Reilly tell everyone the Pentagon is emboldening the enemy, sir.”
“Very good. Now. Does Michael Moore have this report yet?”
“I don’t know, sir.”
“Well, see that he gets it. If he starts making a fuss about the report, we can make fun of it because Michael Moore’s talking about it. Moore’s a big fat guy, you know.”
“What does that have to do with … never mind.”
“Now you’re getting it. Remember your training, son. When the facts are inconvenient…”
“Attack and ridicule the person reporting them. Yes, sir.”
“Finally, call up the Justice Department. Have them do a press release that we’ll be investigating the leak of the report because the report jeopardizes national security.”
“Yes, sir. “
“Oh, and any reporter who brings it up? Have the NSA tap their phones.”
“Sir?”
“Do I mumble, boy? I said tap their phones! Anyone who reports this or makes any reference to it is obviously working with al-Qaeda.”
“Will the courts buy that one, sir?”
“HAHAHAHAAAA! That’s a good one, son.”
“I try, sir.”
“But seriously. Just remember. We’re at war. Al-Qaeda is anyone we say they are. No oversight. No checks and balances. And above all, no questions. Anyone criticizes or questions us, they’re disloyal and partisan and therefore…”
“The enemy, sir. ... Oh, by the way, sir, the president says we’re out of pretzels.”
“Sigh. Okay, put Condi on it. She needs something to do.”
“Yes sir, Mr. Cheney.”
4 comments:
Visiting your blog via Sensible Mom -- you say that "All the Clever Blog Names Were Taken" -- not so, you could aptly refer to yourself and your blog by the title of your book, "The Devil's Right Hand."
Margaret: Thanks for helping prove my point.
Glenda: Heh. Good stuff.
Dusty,
If Margaret thinks you're the devil's right hand, I'm afraid to think what part of the Dark Lord's body she'd find me.
Nice post, by the way.
Thanks, David. Of course, if I were to follow the practice of Margaret's heroine over at "Sensible" Mom, I'd sputter about how silly it was to disagree with me and close comments for the post.
Post a Comment