Hillary Clinton? Not a Fan

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Readers of this column occasionally ask me, "So when are you going to write about Hillary Clinton?"

It's often delivered with a smirk, as if the person believes that I'm too much of a Clinton supporter ever to say anything mean or nasty about the junior senator from New York. This has always puzzled me somewhat, as I'm really not a big Hillary Clinton fan.

Admittedly, it may sometimes seem as if I'm leaping to her defense. Take for example the recent flap over, God help us, Clinton's cleavage.

In a recent appearance on the Senate floor, The Washington Post reported breathlessly, "[Clinton] was wearing a rose-colored blazer over a black top. The neckline sat low on her chest and had a subtle V-shape. The cleavage registered after only a quick glance. ... There it was. Undeniable."

It goes on like this, paragraph after paragraph of sheer raving stupidity. And of course, the so-called "liberal" media picked it up, with story after story discussing the senatorial bust line until you'd have thought that Hillary had done a pole dance on the Senate floor. It was one of the most moronic things I've seen from the American media since the John Edwards haircut fracas.

But calling these so-called "journalists" morons doesn't mean I'm pro-Hillary. It means I'm anti-moron.

I also don't buy the "Oh, she'll never win. No one likes her." This has become an especially strange thing to say since she became the frontrunner and the largest money-raiser. It sort of reminds me of the famous Yogi Berra quote, "No one goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

Still, as I've said, I'm not a fan. So here are my reasons not to vote for Hillary Clinton:

First off, there's the whole dynasty thing. I'm really not comfortable with the history of the United States presidency for 27 solid years reading Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton. We need some new names in the White House.

Then there's her campaign theme song. I thought the online contest to pick the song was kind of a cute idea, and she pulled it off with some nice self-deprecating humor. She had some great tunes to choose from, like Jesus Jones' "Right Here Right Now" and the Temptations' "Get Ready." And after all that, she chose a song by Celine Dion? Celine Dion is Canadian, for crying out loud. And she, you know, sucks.

And that's a symptom of what really bugs me about Hillary. She always takes what looks like the safe choice. She always goes toward where she thinks the middle of the road is. From their early cheerleading for the Iraq War to her support for the misnamed, anti-freedom "Patriot Act," Clinton and her cronies in the Democratic Leadership Conference keep trying to turn the Democrats into Republican Lite.

Here's a news flash, senator: It. Doesn't. Work.

The wingnuts don't care how many times you voted to send American troops into Iraq, or how many bills you co-sponsor to criminalize flag-burning, or how many hearings you have about racy TV or violent video games. You're still a dirty socialist hippie in their eyes and you always will be. Actual liberals hate you for stabbing them in the back, and centrists think you don't have any principles and will do anything to get elected.

But the Washington pundits say you can't appear "too liberal" or the American people won't love you. (You know the pundits I mean. The ones who were so right about WMDs in Iraq.) The middle of the road, they say, is the place to be. The problem with this is, they don't realize how far the so-called "middle of the road" has moved.

You say supporting national health insurance is "too liberal"? In a CNN poll taken in May, a whopping 64 percent of those polled said "yes" to the question, "Do you think the government should provide a national health insurance program for all Americans, even if this would require higher taxes?"

You say distaste for George Dubbya Bush and his corrupt cronies is "too liberal"? Do the words "25 percent approval rating" strike a familiar note?

You say wanting the troops out of Iraq immediately is "too liberal"? Well, 59 percent of respondents told an ABC News/Washington Post poll that, and I quote, "the United States should withdraw its military forces from Iraq in order to avoid further U.S. military casualties, even if that means civil order is not restored there."

Sen. Clinton and the "middle of the road" crowd don't seem to understand this simple fact: The majority of us are dirty socialist hippies these days. And unless she gets that, I'm not voting for Hillary.

At least in the primary.