Someone Needs Some Xanax For Christmas

Comment about my last column on The Pilot Newspaper's website: 

ASSAULT RIFLES AND CLIPS THAT HOLD MUCH AMMO ARE BAD. THEY WERE BAD AND YOU AND THE SHEEP LIKE DUSTY KNEW THEY WERE BAD WHEN THE OBAMARIFLE KILLED A BORDER PATROL. OBAMA ALLOWED HUNDREDS OF THESE RIFLES TO BE BOUGHT BY CRIMINALS WHO WERE BUYING THEM EXPLICITLY TO KILL PEOPLE. YOU AND THE IDIOTS THOUGHT IT WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO PROTECT OBAMA AND THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY THEN TO DO WHAT YOU ARE DOING KNOW, THE RIGHT THING. NOT ONE OF YOU HAVE GIVEN THE REASON WHY YOU WERE QUIET WHILE OBAMARIFLES KILLED HUNDREDS AND CONTINUE TO KILL. AND I REALLY AM SORRY THAT THE TRUTH OF WHAT I AM SAYING HAS BROUGHT SO MUCH PAIN TO YOU AND DUSTY. I WAS THE ONE THAT TRIED TO KEEP YOU FROM FEELING AS BAD AS YOU DO NOW.

One of the mental health tests I'd propose for gun ownership is: if you've ever typed a post in a thread about guns AND DONE THE ENTIRE THING IN CAPITAL LETTERS, you probably shouldn't be allowed near a firearm. Or any sharp objects for that matter.

If anyone knows the identity of the poster in the area of Southern Pines, NC who goes by the handle of justpassingby2, would you please make sure they get some help?

Just Bring On the Apocalypse?

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In the days after the horrific massacre in Newtown, Conn., where a young man named Adam Lanza shot out a window in an elementary school and proceeded to kill 20 first-graders, along with six adults who tried to protect them, I thought I was holding together pretty well.

But then I saw a story online about the plethora of companies that have sprung up in recent years selling body armor for children.

Let me repeat that. Body armor. For children.

For instance, there's a company out of Salt Lake City called (of course) Amendment II that sells a line of backpacks lined with "carbon nanotube" armor.

"Basically, there's three models," Mother Jones magazine quotes company president Derek Williams as saying. "A SwissGear that's made for teens, and we've got an Avengers and a Disney Princess backpack for little kids."

Another company making similar gear provides a handy diagram showing the kids how to properly cower behind their armored backpacks while the maniac slaughters their less-prepared classmates.

Friends, this sort of stuff would normally be just catnip to me. It would provide me endless fodder for mockery. But it's just so sad, I can't even make fun of it. It truly made me wonder if I wanted to live anymore in a country where some people consider that a reasonable response to the murder of children is sending them off to school armored like grunts in Afghanistan. Or, as I've heard some people suggest, arming schoolteachers.

It's a sign of just how insane we've gone that people can even say this with a straight face and not immediately be committed for psychological observation.

Let's leave aside for a moment the question of how school systems that are already being strangled by budget cuts are going to buy weapons for teachers. I've met a lot of teachers in my life, folks. Very few of them impress me as potential Dirty Harrys and Harriets, nor, I wager, do they want to be. And I wouldn't trust the ones that do with a butter knife, much less a Glock.

No, a country where all the teachers are packing heat and all the kids have to be ready at a moment's notice to throw their backpacks up in front of them to stop a bullet is not one where I want to live. But frankly, I don't really want to move. All my stuff and everyone I love is here.

So let's talk about solving the underlying problem, which is this: How do we keep weapons of mass killing out of the hands of crazy people? The answer would seem obvious: fewer weapons of mass killing, or fewer crazy people, or both.

Let's take the second one first. We need to stop treating government support for mental health evaluation and treatment as if it's a luxury. I see so many people, every day, of all ages, who need some sort of mental health intervention, and who are being "served" by fewer and fewer providers, because whenever we have a budget crisis, mental health care is the second thing on the chopping block, behind education. It's as much a security issue as law enforcement or prisons, and it needs to be treated as such.

As for regulation of weapons, let us consider the words of that screaming leftist, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia: "Like most rights, the Second Amendment right is not unlimited. It is not a right to keep and carry any weapon whatsoever in any manner whatsoever and for whatever purpose."

So what regulations might help limit, if not entirely eradicate, future Newtowns (or Auroras or Oak Creek, Wisconsins)? One very practical proposal I've heard from two senators, Joe Manchin of West Virginia and Mark Warner of Virginia (both of whom have received an "A" rating from the NRA), is limiting the size of magazines.

"I don't know anybody that needs 30 rounds in the clip to go hunting," Manchin told an interviewer, noting that he and his family had just returned from a hunting trip. And as for home defense: Pal, if you need more than six rounds to put down an intruder, you're probably fighting a werewolf or something similar, so you're screwed anyway. Run and hope he stops to eat the other guy. If there is no other guy, see "you're screwed," above.

There are other gun control measures that will no doubt be discussed in these pages and elsewhere in the coming weeks. But it's clear we have to do something to keep weapons of war out of the hands of the deranged and the enraged. Otherwise, all of us - men, women, children, pets and livestock - just need to armor up and bring on the apocalypse.

BATNA, BATNA, Who's Got the BATNA?

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Let's get one thing straight from the start. There is no such thing as a "fiscal cliff." If Congress fails to reach a budget deal by Jan. 1, Jan. 2 will not see the U.S. economy in a state of total meltdown by the 15th, leaving us fighting street battles in "Road Warrior" fashion for food, gasoline and toilet paper.

The phrase "fiscal cliff" is purely a creation of a sensationalist media desperate for some kind of major drama now that the election is over.

And their narrative on the current budget negotiations is as overwrought and ridiculous as the one they stuck to right up until Election Day, the narrative that insisted that it was a "horse race" and that the candidates were "neck and neck," even though President Obama held a solid lead in the Electoral College and had done so for months.

When the media and the politicians talk about the fiscal cliff, what they're describing is a series of tax hikes (actually long-delayed expirations of Bush-era tax cuts) and across-the-board spending cuts that Congress put in place as part of a deal to raise the nation's debt ceiling and keep the country from going into default.

The "logic" apparently ran like this: "Since we're too immature, especially with an election looming, to deal honestly on the budget without grandstanding and preening for the cameras like WWE wrestlers to show primary voters how tough we are, we'll set a bomb to go off after the election if we can't act like grownups."

The tax "hikes" would supposedly be more than the Republicans could bear, and the spending cuts, to both military and domestic spending, would be more than either side could stomach. At least that was the idea.

But it seems that nothing, not even military spending or economic stability, is as precious to the Republican Right as tax breaks for the wealthy. The president, on the other hand, explicitly ran on a platform that called for those tax breaks to end, while tax breaks for the middle class would stay in place.

As you may remember, he won.

People who have studied the art of negotiation talk about analyzing your BATNA, an acronym that stands for "Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement." In plain English, analyzing your BATNA means honestly facing the question "What happens if we don't settle this?"

So what happens if we "go over the [mythical] cliff"?

Well, for one thing, taxes on everyone go up - to the same rates they were under President Clinton. There would be, according to the financial newspaper Barron's, "deep, automatic cuts in the defense budget and more than 1,000 other government programs, including Medicare."

The economy might very well slide back into recession, at least temporarily. But here's the thing: According to the Congressional Budget Office, the budget deficit would be reduced by $560 billion.

Wait a minute, I can hear you saying. Isn't reducing the deficit the Most Important Thing in the Whole Wide World? Certainly that's the position the Republicans took during the election.

"If we don't reduce the deficit," they bleat over and over, "we'll end up like Greece! You don't want us to end up like Greece, do you? Greece! Greece! Greece is the word!" (Actually, if it meant I could get a decent souvlaki around here, being a little more like Greece might not be so bad. But I digress.)

So why isn't the Republican BATNA - $560 billion in deficit reduction - acceptable to them? Because, as noted above, this has never really been about deficit reduction above all. This has always been about keeping rich people's taxes low. It's also about saying "no" to the president their shrinking base loves to hate.

In contrast, what's the BATNA for the Democrats? Jan. 1, taxes go up on everyone, including the wealthy.

At which point the House Democrats introduce a revival of just the tax cuts that help the middle class and dare the Republicans to vote against it. If they agree to the cuts, they lose the fight; if they refuse to vote for them because they don't protect the wealthy, they lose the House, possibly forever.

As for those spending cuts, we'll see how much people continue to love the Republicans when they start seeing cuts to programs like college loans and Medicare. I suspect that popular programs will quickly find their way back into the budget, and guess who'll get the credit for that?

In any negotiation, the player that gets hurt least by walking away, the player with the best BATNA, is the one with the power. In this case, that's President Obama and the Democrats.

Question For My Loyal Blog Readers

From the blog comments today: "you are either delusional or watching too much of MSNBC's Rachel Maddow."

Here's my question: Why do these idiots assume that everyone who doesn't buy into their "everyone's trying to mooch off me" worldview watches Rachel Maddow all the time? I get this already-worn-out cliche from one wingnut or another at least once a week. It really is a weird obsession they have with her.

For the record, I don't watch her show,  because I don't watch a whole lot of TV, period.

WTF does this even mean "You watch too much Rachel Maddow (or, for the truly hateful and misognyistic wingnuts, "Rachel Madd-cow")? Do they just assume that everything she says is wrong? And if so, based on what? Have you even seen the damn show?

 It's just another one of those meaningless shibboleths right wingers post when they can't think of anything intelligent to say. Here's a hint: If all you've got to offer is some off-topic crack about watching Rachel Maddow, I will immediately assume you're a blithering idiot with nothing to contribute to the discussion except dumb-ass cliches.

Letters From Santa's Mailbag

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Once again, we bring you another beloved holiday tradition: selections from Santa's mailbag.

Dear Santa: OK, so I went on Fox News predicting a 325-electoral-vote Romney landslide. And yeah, I did it over and over, with complete confidence. As you probably heard, that didn't exactly pan out. But is it fair that the TV network that's more of a home to me than my own living room says that they're going to stop having me on? I mean, Bill Kristol's wrong all the time too, and he gets his phone calls returned.

I  need work, Santa, and fast. The hookers say they're going to start charging me double if I'm not on TV.

- Dick Morris, somewhere in hiding

(Note to staff: Send Dick a copy of "Polling For Dummies.")

Dear Santa: I have to say, I've had a pretty good year. I won the election by a comfortable margin. We kept the Senate and made gains in the House. The Republicans are in disarray and starting to turn on each other.

I've got the upper hand in these budget negotiations, since all I have to do is wait for all the tax cuts to expire, then ask the House to introduce a cut that only includes the middle class and dare the Republicans to vote against it. The economy continues to get better. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm good for this year, and I don't really need anything for myself. Well, maybe some socks.

- Barack Obama, Washington, D.C.

(Note to staff: Get the guy some socks. It's the least we can do.)

Dear Santa, you socialist piece of [censored]: The soulless fools who voted for economic and spiritual suicide this past November may want stuff from you, like support for their obesity booze cellphones birth control abortions. But let me tell you something, you commie pinko [censored]!

I'm a free American, and I don't want any [censored] handouts from anyone, especially some [censored] who dresses up in red and sneaks into people's houses at night. So stay the [censored] away from my house, you got that, fatso? I mean it. I've got guns. Lots of them.

- Ted Nugent, Michigan

(Note to staff: Goodness. This is one angry fellow. Can we maybe bring him some nice warm milk or some meds or something to calm him down?)

(Note to Santa: No can do, boss. The reindeer refuse to go near his place after Dasher nearly took a crossbow bolt in the haunch.)

Dearest Father Christmas: Warm regards from her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Cambridge. I trust you have been made aware of the recent good news regarding Her Royal Highness' delicate condition.

Her only wishes for this Christmas season are that the people of the British Isles enjoy greater peace and prosperity, and that, if possible, you could provide something to ensure she is not, as I believe the Americans put it, blowing chunks every 10 minutes. With best wishes for the holidays and for the New Year, I am, very truly yours,

- Percy Uppington-Smythe, Personal Assistant.

(Note to staff: Poor kid. Hard enough being pregnant and sick, but I can't imagine having to deal with those ghastly in-laws of hers. Send her a keg of ginger ale to settle her stomach.)

Dear Santa: Who is this guy in the White House? We'd gotten used to a president who started his negotiating from the center-right and just kept giving us what we wanted so we could demand more.

This guy, this so-called "second-term" Obama, acts like he's actually got a backbone. He's demanding that we agree to the things he ran on and that people voted for! You'd think he'd won the election or something! We want the old, pliable, easily bullied Barack Obama back! If we don't get it, I might start crying again. I'm warning you.

-John Boehner, Washington, D.C.

(Note to staff: Sorry, looks like that model's been discontinued.)

Dear Santa: Please bring me a new iPad. And an Xbox360. And a Play Station3. And a Wii. And a bunch of movies, books and games, all rated "G" or "PG". And hurry. Mitt Romney, La Jolla, Calif.

(Note to staff: Looks like someone suddenly has a lot of time on his hands.)

(Note from staff: Good thing he doesn't drink, huh?)

(Note to staff: I don't even want to think about it.)

Hope you all get what you want under your tree.

This Year's Holiday Gift Guide

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Black Friday is now past. Cyber Monday, when we’re supposed to rush online for the great bargains, is behind us as well. But you’ve still got a few gifts to get for that hard-to-shop-for person on your list.

Well, never fear, gentle readers: As always, your Humble Columnist is here with your Holiday Gift Guide:

— For that right-winger who still can’t seem to face the fact that President Obama actually won the election fair and square, there’s the Wingnut Virtual Reality Helmet.

Slide this bucket-shaped gizmo over your head, and the built-in, form-fitting goggles will broadcast an endless feed of Fox News directly into your eyeballs, while the patented ear buds keep you from hearing any actual facts by filling your ears with a 24/7 feed of right-wing talk radio.

Why go through the painful and messy process of self-examination? Why risk the hard work of changing your attitude and your message when you can bathe in the warm reassurance of people telling you that you were right all along, there’s nothing wrong with your thinking, and it’s Those People who have stolen the country from you?

(Warning: Some users have reported experiencing fear, paranoia and uncontrollable fits of rage from overexposure to Fox News.)

— Depressed and apprehensive about the threatened collapse of the Hostess Company and its fine collection of chemically ageless snack cakes? Sad that your children may never experience the special spongy taste of the Twinkie and its creme-filled goodness? Get them the new Hasbro Easy-Bake Home Twinkie Oven.

Make your very own Ho Hos, Ding Dongs, Mini-Muffins, and of course, classic Twinkies, right there in your own home! Comes with detailed recipes and a special bonus supplement teaching the little ones to blame unions if things don’t come out right because of their incompetence.

(Warning: Handling of some of the preservatives, colorings and artificial flavorings necessary to make these confections may require EPA certification. HazMat suit not included.)

— An important life skill in today’s world is that of being able to make yourself feel better about your life by watching other people who are way more dysfunctional than you.

Which is why the folks at TLC Network have created the perfect learning tool for your little ones: The Honey Boo Boo Action Play Set.

The set contains uproariously lifelike figures of TV’s beloved Shannon/ Thompson clan: Mama, Daddy, Jessica, Anna, Lauryn and, of course, the heavily caffeinated, adorably demented redneck pre-teen beauty queen herself, Alana “Honey Boo Boo Child” Thompson.

Squeeze Alana’s belly fat and hear her say one of the show’s delightful catch phrases, like “a dolla makes me holla!” and “you better redneck-ognize!” Manufacturer is not responsible for the eventual withering of your soul.

— Apps, applications that run on smartphones and some laptop computers, are likely to be huge sellers this year. For those friends or relatives whose casual and unrecognized racism makes you cringe, there’s the Racism Recognition App for iPhone and Android smartphones.

This handy program is voice-activated and delivers a small but noticeable electric shock to people saying certain racist catch-phrases and code words like, “I know it isn’t politically correct to say this, but…”; “Why haven’t we seen Obama’s college transcripts?”; and “Obama doesn’t represent the real America.”

— If you or someone you love is a Christmas Warrior, someone for whom the holiday is not complete unless they can feel persecuted and oppressed by people saying “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings” instead of “Merry Christmas,” there’s now an entire line of Christmas Warrior cards and decorations.

The cards include such heart-warming messages as “Merry Christmas. Yeah, I Said It. Merry Christmas! So What Are You Going to Do About It, Punk?” For only $99.99, you can get the full-sized nativity scene with all of the characters defiantly flipping off anyone who has a problem with it.

Merry Christmas, Season’s Greetings, Happy Holidays — however you say it — try not to be a jerk about it, OK? And God Bless Us, Every One.