The Bill Maher Rule

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"Good afternoon. Thank you for calling radio station WING, your No. 1 source for news talk radio. Can I help you?"

"Uh, yeah, I'd like to talk to the person who schedules your 'Citizens Talk Back' segment. You know, the one where ordinary guys like me can comment on stuff?"

"That would be me, sir. I'm the producer. My name's Georgette. What would you like to comment on?"

"I'd like to talk about how that Geraldo Rivera guy said that Trayvon Martin got shot because he was a black man wearing a hoodie. That really burned me up. I mean, is that a stupid, racist thing to say or what?"

"Yes, sir, I understand. And if you don't mind my asking, I assume you're a liberal?"

"Ummm ... yeah, I guess so. Why?"

"And can you tell me the last time you publicly criticized Bill Maher?"

"What?"

"Bill Maher, the guy who hosts that show on HBO. Have you ever denounced him for calling Sarah Palin a nasty name a couple of years ago?"

"Well, no. I didn't even see that. Or hear about it. What does that have to do with - "

"Oh, I'm sorry, sir, liberals are not allowed to make any criticism of anything anyone on Fox News or conservative talk radio says, no matter how stupid, unless they've publicly criticized Bill Maher. It's a new rule. So to speak."

"What? Since when?"

"Since Rush Limbaugh called that young woman who testified before Congress about birth control a slut and a prostitute. Conservatives knew there was no way to defend that, so they pulled up an old quote from Bill Maher where he called Governor Palin a nasty name. That way, they could go, 'What Rush said was bad, but liberals didn't say anything about what Bill Maher said, so they can't complain about it.' They said it so many times on Fox that it became a rule. We even call it the Bill Maher rule."

"That's ridiculous."

"Let me see if there's some other way to help. Have you ever said anything critical of Maxine Waters or Shirley Jackson Lee?"

"I don't even know who they are!"

"Don't lie to me, sir. Every liberal knows everything those two have said, and their failure to abhor them every single day is an example of left-wing hypocrisy."

"Let me get this straight. Someone on the right says something sexist, racist, or just plain stupid and mean, and I can't say anything about it unless I've gone out of my way to criticize something stupid or mean or outrageous some liberal has said?"

"Yes, sir."

"And let me guess ... you get to pick the thing I should have complained about, and even if I've never heard of it, I'm a hypocrite because I didn't already fall all over myself to deplore it?"

"Now you get it!"

"No, I really don't. Do you demand that conservatives do that? I mean, I've seen some really nasty signs about President Obama. There was the one Photoshopped to make him look like a witch doctor with a bone through his nose. There's that bumper sticker someone put out that said "Don't Re-Nig In 2012" and an Obama symbol with a line through it. When someone comes on your station to complain about Bill Maher or Rahm Emmanuel, do you ask them if they've ever denounced those things?"

"Oh, no, sir! That wouldn't be honest. It would be trying to stifle debate!"

"Of course it would."

"Oh, by the way, you can't ever say anything about racism by the Republicans or the tea party unless you've publicly denounced Senator Robert Byrd."

"Isn't he dead?"

"Yes, but he was in the KKK."

"That was before I was born!"

"Doesn't matter. I'm sorry, sir, it doesn't look like we're going to be able to help you today. Thanks for calling WING, fair and balanced news talk radio!"

"This is [bad word]."

"You don't have to use vulgar language, sir!"

"Rick Santorum did!"

"Yes, but you're not allowed to mention it unless you complained about Joe Biden saying ... Hello? Hello?"