Pope V. Wingnuts: I Know Who I'm Betting On

Pilot Newspaper: Opinion

I’ve got to tell you, I’m liking this pope more and more.

From the start, the former Jorge Mario Bergoglio (now Pope Francis I) let everyone know he wasn’t going to be the kind of pontiff to which we’ve become accustomed. He chose to live in simple quarters in the Vatican guest house rather than the sumptuous papal apartments. He drives around in an old Ford Focus.

He’s called for greater dialogue with Muslims and made statements like, “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?”

Lately, it’s been rumored that Francis is continuing the practice he engaged in as Bishop of Buenos Aires by slipping out at night in regular priestly garb to minister to the homeless.

Then, on Nov. 24, Francis really dropped the bomb when he released the 50,000-word statement “Evangelii Gaudium” (“The Joy of the Gospel”). It covers a lot of ground on the church’s outlook and mission, but what’s causing the most controversy are statements on economic injustice and inequality.

Statements like this:

“Today everything comes under the laws of competition and the survival of the fittest, where the powerful feed upon the powerless. As a consequence, masses of people find themselves excluded and marginalized: without work, without possibilities, without any means of escape. …

“In this context, some people continue to defend trickle-down theories which assume that economic growth, encouraged by a free market, will inevitably succeed in bringing about greater justice and inclusiveness in the world. This opinion, which has never been confirmed by the facts, expresses a crude and naive trust in the goodness of those wielding economic power and in the sacralized workings of the prevailing economic system. Meanwhile, the excluded are still waiting.”

Wait a minute … am I reading something by the Vicar of Christ on Earth or some manifesto from Occupy Wall Street? I’m amazed the Tea Party hasn’t announced that it is going to try to mount a recall.

Wingnut pundits quickly leapt in to remind us that the only thing they truly worship is oligarchy and that their only doctrine is Amen natus sum, ut abstineas manum meam acervus. (“I’m all right, Jack, keep your hands offa my stack.”)

Rush Limbaugh titled a post on his website, “It’s Sad How Wrong Pope Francis Is,” and went on to say that “this pope makes it very clear he doesn’t know what he’s talking about … This is just pure Marxism coming out of the mouth of the pope.”

Tea party activist Jonathan Mosely, a board member of the Northern Virginia Teahadist cell, wrote on the conservative website World Net Daily that “Jesus Christ is weeping in heaven hearing Christians espouse a socialist philosophy.” Right-wing pinup Sarah Palin allowed as how she was “taken aback” by Pope Francis’ “liberal” statements.

Wow. I remember when I wrote what I thought was a gently humorous column about the aged and weary Pope Benedict looking forward to taking some time off to put his feet up and catch some TV on Christmas after stepping down. I took flak for that one for weeks. You’d have thought I’d hocked a loogie in the baptismal font. My reply column was even spiked by the paper because people were so "riled up." 

One older lady rudely accosted me while I was at lunch with friends to upbraid me about my “disrespect” for the Holy Father. Not just one, but two local monsignors wrote letters to the paper to complain that even my mild joshing of the pope emeritus was causing “pain” to Catholics. Well, I can’t even begin to imagine the agony they must be in over the railings of conservatives against the current bishop of Rome.

I’m sure the lady who interrupted my lunch and the good monsignors will be taking to their keyboards letting Messrs. Limbaugh, Mosley, et al., as well as Half-Term Gov. Palin, know that they’re not going to stand for anyone dissing the pope. I’m sure they’re going to join the Holy Father in opposing inequality and speaking out against the “trickle-down” theories of folks just like our Republican overlords here in North Carolina. I believe all this because I am, after all, a person of faith.

There are some things that the Church and I may never agree on, at least in my lifetime. Marriage equality, for example, or reproductive freedom. But I’ll always give credit where credit is due. I don’t know about infallible, but this pope’s pretty awesome. Kinda reminds me of his boss. You know, the one whose birthday’s coming up.

Good Catholics, I Need Your Help

The newspaper for which I write  has apparently decided that my response to the two Monsignors who wrote about my column on the Pope's retirement can't be printed because it would "rile people up." So they spiked it.

 A sad and sorry day for a paper that once proudly printed on the masthead of its editorial page that the purpose of a newspaper was 'print the news and raise hell'.

Read and decide for yourself. 

      It seems that my recent column about the retirement of Pope Benedict has caused a bit of a stir. While some people wrote letters and posts on the website saying that they liked it (one called it “hilarious,” others acted as if I’d spat in the baptismal font.
     One reader said it was a “disgrace.” Not just one, but two local Monsignors wrote that I was “causing pain to Catholics” and that the paper was “ridiculing and misrepresenting the Catholic Church and in particular the Holy Father.”

    Oddly enough, no one seems to want to get specific as to what it was that offended them. The bit about the Pope Emeritus not wanting to give up the red shoes because they were the only ones that didn't hurt his corns? The part about him looking forward to spending a Christmas Eve watching "Peanuts" instead of having to work?

    See, I could have taken aim at some of the very real problems the Church is having. Scandals not only about sex abuse, but about coverups and sheltering of pedophile priests by the Church hierarchy. Or an alleged 300-page report about a secret cabal of gay priests within the Vatican. Or the Chairman of the Vatican Bank being ousted after a money laundering scandal that led to Italian prosecutors seizing 23 million euros from one of their accounts last year. And so on.

    But I figured there were plenty of people who would be more than happy to bring that up, and I was right. What seemed funnier to me was the prospect of the Pope, one of the most powerful men in the world, being the first one who had to go back to being a regular Joe who had to go through the same silly bureaucracy, like exit interviews, that you and I do. I thought it amusing to think of him as a normal, but tired old fellow with sore feet who was looking forward to getting his holidays off for a change. That just seemed more goofy and absurdist to me than anything. I certainly wasn’t trying to be mean to the man, and I don’t think I was.

    But, c’est la vie. I’m aspiring to be one of those folks who, when life gives them lemons, tries to make lemonade. (Previously, I’d followed the philosophy of Calvin. No, not John Calvin. Calvin of “Calvin and Hobbes,” who said that when life gives you a lemon, you should “wing it right back and throw some lemons of your own.”) I figure, if Church leaders found the column offensive, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I might as well try and pull off a Dan Brown.

    You remember Dan Brown, author of “The DaVinci Code,” who outraged the Church with his potboiler novel about a secret society protecting the descendants of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. Unlike many of my colleagues in the writing game who found the prose wretched, I found the book rather entertaining, largely due to its sheer absurdity. I mean, really, how can you not love a book that has a killer albino monk as one of its chief villains? That’s some grade–A level pulp fiction right there.

    The Church, however, was as unamused as the good Monsignors. The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops called it “morally offensive.” The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith slammed the book as being “full of calumnies, offenses, and historical and theological errors." And, as I wrote about back in 2006, an entire sub-genre sprung up of "books and videos refuting the Da Vinci Code."

    None of this, however, stopped Mr. Brown from becoming one of the bestselling authors of all time, making millions, and having his book turned into a major motion picture starring Tom Hanks. In fact, some folks credit the controversy with actually helping the book become such a raging success, with people lining up to buy the thing to find out what all the fuss was about. So, if I’m going to offend despite my benign intentions, I want to at least make a few shekels off it.

    With all due respect to the Very Reverend Monsignors, however, I’m going to need a little more firepower directed against me if I’m going to reap the Dan Brown level of filthy lucre. I’m going to need a Bishop mad at me at least. A Cardinal would be ideal, now that the whole Conclave thing is done with.

    And so, good readers, I need your help. If you know anybody up the clerical food chain, send them a copy of the column. Let them know how upset you are.

Let’s get this controversy rolling. I’m not getting any younger. 
   

Maybe Tom Hanks Will Star In the Movie

Monsignor Frank J. Hendrick of Pinehurst writes: 

The March 3 column by Dusty Rhoades concerning Pope Benedict Emeritus causes pain to me and your Catholic subscribers.
Mr. Rhoades has a right to write such and present it for publication. However, I feel that your position as guardians of the press would protect your readership from the harm that ensues.
I am not suggesting that you engage in censorship when facts are presented for publication, yet I suggest that you engage in civility and gentility when such is demanded.

So, he's not suggesting that they engage in censorship, but they should have spiked my column for "civility and gentility's" sake. Got it.


Monsignor Jeffrey A. Ingham of St. Anthony of Padua Catholic Church writes:


I am not surprised that someone would write such a piece, but I am surprised that you would publish it.

You know what this means, right? If this kind of condemnation by the Church picks up speed, I'm on a one-way express elevator to Dan Brown level controversy, followed by Dan Brown level money. Yippeee!

One Last Papal Duty....

Latest Newspaper Column:

The scene: A tiny, cramped office in the Human Resources Department at Vatican City.
The time: Last week.

HR GUY: Come in, come in, take a seat. I promise this won't take long, sir.

SOON TO BE EX-POPE BENEDICT: I don't know why I have to do this. I didn't even know the Vatican HAD an HR department. And it's "Your Holiness," not sir.

HR GUY: Oh, right, right. Sorry, Your Holiness. It's been 600 years since a pope has left the position while still alive. We're kind of feeling our way here. "Former Holiness" just doesn't work. 'Holiness Emeritus" just sounds weird.

BENEDICT: (Frostily) I agree.

HR GUY: Oh, dear, I feel like we've gotten off on the wrong foot here. Look, Your Holiness, I know this is awkward, and I'll try to make it quick. But, you know, rules are rules. And the rules say, everyone leaving employment has to do an exit interview.

BENEDICT: A what?

HR GUY: Just a few questions to help improve our workplace environment.

BENEDICT: Our workplace environment? This is the priesthood, young man! It's a life of service, sacrifice, suffering and devotion!

HR GUY: Well ... we're trying to sort of soft-pedal that part, if you don't mind. It's really murder on the employee retention rates.

BENEDICT: Oh, for the love of...
 
HR GUY: What was that, Your Holiness?

BENEDICT: Never mind. Ask your questions, and let's get this over with.

HR GUY: OK, great. So why would you say you're leaving your job?

BENEDICT: I think I've made it pretty clear. I'm old. I'm not feeling well. And there are all sorts of challenges facing the Church right now. The fuss over the cover-up of sex abuse by priests, the whole Vatican Bank money-laundering thing, the giant death asteroid, the new book coming out by that Dan Brown guy ...

HR GUY: Wait, back up. Did you say something about a giant death asteroid?

BENEDICT: Did I? Dang. This is why I need to quit. I keep blurting stuff out.

HR GUY: No, really. What about the giant death asteroid?

BENEDICT: Calm down, my child. It's nothing. I totally did not have a vision in which God told me that a giant asteroid was going to wipe out 75 percent of all life on Earth at 9:17 p.m. on New Year's Eve this year and bring about a new Dark Age.

HR GUY: Oh. Whew. That's a relief.

BENEDICT: You're not very bright, are you?

HR GUY: What?

BENEDICT: Nothing. Next question.

HR GUY: What would you say was your favorite part of being pope?

BENEDICT: I'd have to say the hat. I think I really look great in hats. And the shoes, of course.

HR GUY: Oh. Yeah. About the shoes. We're going to need those back.

BENEDICT: What? Not my red shoes!

HR GUY: I'm afraid so, Your Holiness. Only the pope himself can wear the red slippers
.
BENEDICT: But these are my favorite shoes ever! They're the only ones I have that don't hurt my corns! Look! Look at these feet!

HR GUY: Ahhhh! Gross!

BENEDICT: What?

HR GUY: Horrible old-man feet! Please, Your Holiness! I beg you! Put the shoes back on!

BENEDICT: So I can keep them?

HR GUY: We'll make new ones. Just ... wear the shoes around the house, OK? It'll be our little secret. But please, put them back on.

BENEDICT: OK, good.

HR GUY (shuddering): So, moving on. What was your least favorite part of the job?

BENEDICT: Hmmm. I'd say having to work on Christmas.

HR GUY: Really? You had a problem with that?

BENEDICT: Not a problem, exactly. I mean, celebrating the Midnight Mass and doing the homily for all those people is nice, but I'm looking forward to kicking back and spending a nice quiet Christmas Eve with a cup of eggnog and the "Charlie Brown Christmas" DVD.

HR GUY: Oh, that is a good one.

BENEDICT: And afterward, maybe "Die Hard."

HR GUY: I love that movie!

BENEDICT: Well, come on over to the residence this December. I'm only moving around the block a ways. We'll open a bottle of wine, watch some good TV.

HR GUY: Me, Your Holiness? I'd be so honored.

BENEDICT: Might as well. It's the last one any of us will have for a long while.

HR GUY: What?

BENEDICT: Nothing, my child. Nothing.