One Guy's Christmas Movie List

 thepilot.com

It’s Christmas week, folks, so let us put aside our political differences and get into heated arguments over the eggnog about something really important: Christmas movies.

You know how I love to create controversy, and if there’s any topic that’ll do it, this is the one. We all have our favorites; we all have the ones we love to hate. Here’s my own list.

1. Christmas Movie I Just Don’t Get: “Love Actually.”

I know quite a few people who will swear to you that this 2003 multi-plot-threaded rom-com is the greatest Christmas movie ever made. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that all of those people are female.

The movie certainly has a lot of eye candy for the female gender, what with having Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Liam Neeson — even Alan Rickman before he got all creepy in the Harry Potter movies.

To be fair, for the fellows, we also have Kiera Knightley, Emma Thompson, and the hot blonde from “American Pie” and “Scary Movie.”

But when a movie starts off telling you how romantic airports are, you know you’re getting farther away from reality than even a romantic comedy can justify.

And I’m sorry, but it’s not even all that funny.

2. Christmas Movie That’s Not All It’s Cracked Up To Be: “A Christmas Story.”

Yeah, I said it. OK, Darren McGavin’s a hoot as the creatively profane dad who wins the lamp shaped like a lady’s leg, and I’ll grant you that “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid,” is a passably quotable catch phrase — barely.

But plotwise, the movie’s a mess, stitched together as it is from several short stories by Jean Shepherd. The Chinese restaurant scene is flat-out racist. And that Ralphie kid is just creepy to me.

3. Christmas Movie I Love Even Though a Lot of People Hate It: “Four Christmases.”

Anyone in a so-called “blended” family should be able to relate to this tale of an unmarried but committed couple (Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon) who always leave the country for the holiday to avoid dealing with their eccentric parents, all of whom have divorced and started new lives.

However, when a historic fog grounds their flight and they end up being shown on the TV news story about stranded passengers, they find they can’t avoid spending a raucous holiday with each of their parents and their new families.

I love everything Robert Duvall’s ever been in, but his turn as Vaughn’s crusty, bitter father is one of his unsung gems — both hilarious and ultimately heartbreaking. Dwight Yoakam as the charismatic minister who inspires Vaughn to epic levels of overacting in the Nativity play is also not to be missed.

The movie got terrible reviews, but my friends and I get together and watch it every Christmas season if we can.

4. Flawed Christmas Movie That’s Still Destined to Be a Classic: “Elf.”

Hijinks ensue when Buddy, a human child raised by Santa’s elves, decides to return to the big city to find his birth father.

Will Ferrell plays yet another version of his hyperactive man-child character, and the whole “Central Park Rangers” plot feels like a tacked-on attempt to generate menace with a ripoff of the nasty black horsemen from the “Lord of the Rings” movies.

But the character of Papa Elf is Bob Newhart at his deadpan best, and I defy you not to get all misty when the entire city of New York, including a bar full of bikers, joins together to refuel Santa’s sleigh with Christmas spirit by singing “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town,” led in song by the just-plumb-adorable Zooey Deschanel.

5. The Greatest Christmas Movie of All Time, The One By Which All Others Are Measured and Found Wanting: “Die Hard.”

I really don’t see how anyone can argue with this. It’s the story of a man willing to risk everything and overcome impossible odds, just so he can “get together, have a few laughs” with his family at the holiday season. I mean, really, how heartwarming can you get? …

So that’s the list. Let the arguments begin! But play nice. After all, it’s Christmas.

SHARKTOPUS!

Like "Snakes on a Plane", the title says it all. But watch the trailer anyway.



H/T to Jonathan Hayes.

I Don't Know About This...

So, I hear that the Coen Brothers are remaking the John Wayne classic TRUE GRIT, with Jeff Bridges in the John Wayne role.

I've got to say, I'm a little conflicted about this. On the one hand, I think the Brothers Coen are absolute geniuses, and I think if anyone can do a good job, it's them.

On the other hand, why remake a movie that's already a classic? And do they really think The Dude can deliver one of my favorite bad-ass movie lines as well as the Duke? You know the line I mean...



"FILL YOUR HANDS, YOU SON OF A BITCH! "

Sigh. I dunno...

Hype

We're discussing the movie PARANORMAL ACTIVITY and the question "Hype: Blessing or Curse?" today at Murderati.com. Stop by!

Has the World Gone Mad?

Russell Crowe as Robin Hood was odd enough, but Brad Pitt as Professor Moriarty?

WTF?

Don't get me wrong, I loved the recent Sherlock Holmes movie. I'm apparently one of the few people who thinks the 'new" Holmes actually resurrects some of the long neglected facets of the original character as portrayed in the books and stories. The ass-kicking Holmes which some critics called a "re-invention" actually has its antecedents in the source material. It's mentioned in THE SIGN OF THE FOUR, for example, that Holmes had done a bit of boxing in his day, when he speaks with an ex-prizefighter:

"I don't think you can have forgotten me. Don't you remember that amateur who fought three rounds with you at Alison's rooms on the night of your benefit four years back?"

"Not Mr. Sherlock Holmes!" roared the prize-fighter. "God's truth! how could I have mistook you? If instead o' standin' there so quiet you had just stepped up and given me that cross-hit of yours under the jaw, I'd ha' known you without a question. Ah, you're one that has wasted your gifts, you have! You might have aimed high, if you had joined the fancy."

"You see, Watson, if all else fails me, I have still one of the scientific professions open to me," said Holmes, laughing. "Our friend won't keep us out in the cold now, I am sure."

In THE ADVENTURE OF THE EMPTY HOUSE, Holmes describes how he bested Professor Moriarty:

When I reached the end I stood at bay. He drew no weapon, but he rushed at me and threw his long arms around me. He knew that his own game was up, and was only anxious to revenge himself upon me. We tottered together upon the brink of the fall. I have some knowledge, however, of baritsu, or the Japanese system of wrestling, which has more than once been very useful to me. I slipped through his grip, and he with a horrible scream kicked madly for a few seconds, and clawed the air with both his hands. But for all his efforts he could not get his balance, and over he went. With my face over the brink, I saw him fall for a long way. Then he struck a rock, bounded off, and splashed into the water."

And let's not forget that Watson, so often portrayed as a portly, bumbling middle-aged man, was, in the stories, a recent veteran of the Afghan War, wounded in action.

Still I have a hard time seeing Brad Pitt like this:

He is extremely tall and thin, his forehead domes out in a white curve, and his two eyes are deeply sunken in his head. He is clean-shaven, pale, and ascetic-looking, retaining something of the professor in his features. His shoulders are rounded from much study, and his face protrudes forward and is forever slowly oscillating from side to side in a curiously reptilian fashion. He peered at me with great curiosity in his puckered eyes.

But, hey, I could be wrong. Pitt's a good actor. We'll see...

Oh, HELL Yeah!

Not only is Ken Bruen's BLITZ coming to the big screen but Jason Statham's playing Brant.

I'd always seen Bob Hoskins or maybe Ben Kingsley in the role, but they're getting some age on them, and Statham's a solid choice.

I am extremely happy about this. Ken's an amazing writer and a great guy, and I would love to see him get the recognition he deserves AND get absolutely filthy stinking rich. This might do it.

And You Thought The Bunny Movies Were Odd

The first scene of RESERVOIR DOGS. With Muppets. NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE Trailer!

You know, this might actually not suck.

"And Max said, I'LL EAT YOU UP!"

At the next link, a the teaser poster for the movie version of WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE.

I am, to say the least, ambivalent about there being a WtWTA movie at all. It's my all time favorite kids' book, but it's short, and I can't see how padding it out to 2+ hours is going to do anything but make it suck. But the poster looks cool.