2017: The Year in Preview

Opinion | thepilot.com

Once again, as everyone else looks back, this column looks forward. Therefore, here’s the Year in Preview:

JANUARY: Frustrated by their inability to secure A-list performers for the inauguration of Donald Trump, the inauguration committee is saved at the last minute when Vladimir Putin sends a delegation consisting of the remaining members of the Red Army Chorus, the Bolshoi Ballet, and pop groups Plazma and Code Red. “Is least Putin could do,” the Russian president announces over Twitter, “considering.”

FEBRUARY: Former Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton emerges from seclusion on Feb. 2, sees her shadow and retreats again, thus signaling that we will have at least six more weeks of winter.

MARCH: After the sudden and unexpected retirement of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, President Trump announces his nomination for her replacement: former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Palin immediately announces her support of overruling not only Roe v. Wade, but also New York Times v. Sullivan, Marbury vs. Madison, and Kramer v. Kramer. When reporters point out that the last one is actually a fictional 1979 movie starring Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep, Palin angrily tells them that “real Bible-readin’ gun-clingin’ Americans are tired of your coastal-elitin’ fake-newsin’ p.c. flibberdefloo, always talkin’ about your so-called Hollywood facts, you betcha.” Palin’s confirmation hearing is delayed as the Senate searches frantically for a translator.

APRIL: House Speaker Paul Ryan announces his plans for Medicare reform. Controversy ensues when it’s discovered that the bill mostly consists of funding to put the ailing elderly on ice floes in the Arctic and letting them drift away to die. Ryan defends the plan by saying, “The American people are tired of political correctness and want bold solutions to the Medicare crisis, so long as those solutions involve more tax cuts for wealthy people. This plan accomplishes that.”

MAY: President Trump announces that he’s canceling plans to put abolitionist heroine Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill. Instead, Trump promises a “big, beautiful new currency” with the face of his daughter Ivanka on the 20, sons Eric, Donald Junior and little Barron on the 5, 10 and 50 respectively, wife Melania on the 100, and daughter Tiffany on the quarter. The visage of Trump himself will be on the newly announced $3 bill. The motto on the back of the bills will be changed from “In God We Trust” to “Suck It Up, Buttercup.”

JUNE: Energy Secretary Rick Perry announces that the Department of Energy has been disbanded. “I’m not sure how it happened, but I showed up for work yesterday and it was gone. Yay me.” Later, it’s revealed that Perry had actually just forgotten where the department was and gone to the wrong building.

JULY: Speaker Ryan’s Medicare plan is derailed when scientists from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration are unable to locate any Arctic ice floes due to global warming. Congress responds by banning the use of the words “global warming” and any mention of “ice floes” in official documents before leaving town for their summer recess.

AUGUST: Unable to come up with a plan to “repeal and replace” the Affordable Care Act that doesn’t cause 20 million Americans to lose insurance coverage, President Trump announces via Twitter that “Obamacare is gone. It’s called Trumpcare from now on. Problem solved. Trump = awesome!”

SEPTEMBER: Undaunted by the failure of his Medicare reform plan, Speaker Ryan unveils his plan to reform Medicaid in a bill titled “The Let the Poor Die Act of 2017.” Ryan responds to criticism with a terse statement: “Political correctness. Bold solutions. Tax cuts for the wealthy.”

OCTOBER: Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway is appointed head of a new government agency called “Department of Truth.” She issues a statement that “Obamacare never existed. Also, there were never any promises by President Trump to build a wall, lock up Hillary Clinton, or drain any swamp. Any and all evidence to the contrary is hereby declared ‘fake news’ from the ‘unfair liberal media’ and should be ignored.” Unprecedented Earth tremors in the area of Oxfordshire, England, are investigated by geologists and found to be the result of writer George Orwell spinning like a turbine in his grave.

NOVEMBER: Trump takes to Twitter to proclaim, “We should all give thanks that we can say ‘Happy Thanksgiving’ again. Go Trump!” Puzzled Americans note that we never stopped.

DECEMBER: In accordance with ancient prophecy, the Elder God Cthulhu arises from his resting place beneath the sea to begin his millennia-long reign of madness, chaos and violence. He takes one look at the world, goes “Dang, looks like you folks beat me to it,” and goes back to sleep beneath the waves.

Buckle up, buttercups. It’s gonna be another weird one.

Happy New Year!

2016: The Year In Preview

 thepilot.com:

As another year draws to a close, many columnists and pundits are looking back at the year gone by. But as you well know, this column is always looking ahead. Therefore, we present for your delectation our annual Year in PREview:

JANUARY: President Obama finally caves in to pressure from the American right and uses the words “Islamic extremist” for the first time in a nationally televised speech. All the terrorists immediately lay down their arms and surrender to local authorities. “We have survived the infidel’s smart bombs and drone strikes,” states former jihadist Ali Wali ibn-Babali. “But no one can resist being called by that … that name!”

FEBRUARY: The nation is shocked when The New York Times reports a surprise win in the Iowa caucuses by former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore. Half a dozen other news outlets follow suit. Two days later, the Times admits that its story was wrong and that its only source was a prank phone call from a 16-year-old in Arizona. The paper promises an investigation to determine what went wrong.

MARCH: Faced with sagging poll numbers, Donald Trump takes the unusual step of announcing his proposed vice-presidential pick months before the GOP convention. In front of a crowd of cheering supporters, he announces that he’s choosing Russian President and right-wing darling Vladimir Putin. “Sure, he murders journalists and brutally invades weaker countries just because he can,” Trump bellows, “but at least he’s a leader!” Trump’s poll numbers immediately skyrocket among Republican voters.

APRIL: Donald Trump becomes the presumptive Republican nominee when all the other candidates either disappear or die under suspicious circumstances. Presumptive vice-presidential nominee Vladimir Putin releases a statement that reads: “Putin very sad. But presidential campaign not for weaklings. By the way, Putin was nowhere near any of them. Putin have witnesses.”

MAY: The New York Times claims to have obtained a memo from inside the Clinton campaign regarding potential campaign slogans. Choices reportedly include: “Hillary: Amnesty, Abortion, and Appeasement” and “Hillary: Forced Gay Marriage For Everyone.” Fox News begins a five night series on “Slogan-Ghazi.”

JUNE: The “Slogan-Ghazi” scandal collapses when the source for the bogus “memo” is revealed to be a satirical article published in a junior high school newspaper in Petaluma, Calif. The Times promises an investigation to find out what went wrong. Fox News continues to report the story as true, because, as Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy explains, “We just really hate Hillary Clinton.”

JULY: After the mysterious disappearance of front-runner Donald Trump, the Republican National Convention nominates Vladimir Putin as its nominee, who delivers his acceptance speech shirtless and on horseback. “This ticket is just so manly,” Fox News analyst Andrea Tantaros bubbles, before swooning and falling into the arms of vice-presidential nominee Chuck Norris. The confused and delusional Norris spin-kicks Tantaros off the stage.

AUGUST: Congress opens the first of what will prove to be 17 separate investigations of the “Slogan-Ghazi scandal.” Hillary Clinton, despite having garnered a winning number of delegates at the previous month’s Democratic convention, resigns her campaign, saying, “You know what? (Bad word) this (bad word). You want it, Bernie? You got it. And good (bad word) luck.”

SEPTEMBER: A hastily reconvened Democratic convention quickly nominates Bernie Sanders for president when all of the people who previously said, “I like Bernie better, but we all know Hillary’s going to win,” actually vote their real preference.

OCTOBER: Republican nominee Vladimir Putin’s poll numbers begin to slip when his campaign ads show clips of Latinos, African-Americans, Muslims, and LGBT people being rounded up and shoved into cattle cars. “OK, granted, Putin’s promising a mass internment and probable slaughter that would make the Holocaust look like a Sunday School picnic,” a visibly desperate Sean Hannity insists, “but at least he’s a real leader.” Fox co-host and Putin fangirl Kimberly Guilfoyle attempts to put a good face on the situation before she finally cracks: “At least Putin doesn’t wear mom jeans. … Oh, to heck with it, I’m terrified. How soon can I move to Canada?”

NOVEMBER: To the relief of millions, Bernie Sanders wins the U.S. Presidential election. The New York Times headline the next day, however, reads “Romney Elected in Landslide.” Within 12 hours, the Times retracts its story, admitting that its only source was a late-night drunken voicemail from Karl Rove.

DECEMBER: Fox News, insisting that The New York Times’ retraction of the Romney “victory” story is “nothing but political correctness run amuck” starts a series of investigative reports on “how Sanders stole the election from Romney.”

In short, the coming year will most likely be just like the one just gone by, only weirder. Have a good one!

2015: The Year In Preview

The Pilot Newspaper: Opinion

Once again, we look into our slightly cracked crystal ball for our annual tradition of fearless predictions for the year to come. Without further ado, we bring you 2015 in preview:

JANUARY: Sony finally allows the wide release of the Seth Rogen/James Franco film “The Interview.” North Korea immediately issues a public statement: “We threatened the U.S. over THIS piece of crap? Man, do we feel stupid. This is more embarrassing than the time we invited Dennis Rodman to dinner because we thought he was LeBron James. Face it, as a government, we’re just not that bright.”

FEBRUARY: Following the lead of the right wing’s insistence on calling torture “enhanced interrogation,” the Mafia announces that it has hired a PR agency to rebrand “armed robbery” as “enhanced wealth acquisition.” Not to be outdone, the National Football League announces that its new behavior policy reframes “domestic abuse” as “enhanced spousal negotiation.”

MARCH: North Korea unleashes its long-dreaded retaliation for the Sony film “The Interview” in the form of a 90-minute feature film called “Obama Is a Big Doo-Doo Head.” At the film’s premiere in Pyongyang, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus and Sen. Ted Cruz appear as guests of the North Korean government, but strongly deny serving as technical advisers on the picture.

APRIL: A new hacking scandal erupts when a group calling itself “The Sons of the Big Easy” breaks into CBS’s computer network and releases thousands of embarrassing emails and digital copies of unreleased shows. The group claims that the attack is retribution for Scott Bakula’s awful attempt at a Louisiana accent in “NCIS: New Orleans.”

MAY: Russian President Vladimir Putin announces that he’s formed an “exploratory committee” to consider a run for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. “Republicans say nice things about me,” Putin says. “Rudy Giuliani is talking about how I ‘make decision and execute quickly,’ and Sarah Palin likes the idea of me ‘wrestling bears.’ They want leadership? Putin give them a bellyful of it.”

JUNE: Republican lawmakers, who hold a majority in the House and Senate, announce a major policy initiative. “We’ve decided to change our practice of not doing anything and blaming it all on President Obama,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tells “Meet the Press.” “After the summer break, we’re going to start doing nothing and blaming it all on Hillary Clinton.”

JULY: Christmas decorations and promotions appear in stores, as Christmas-themed commercials begin running on TV. Everyone complains, but they buy the stuff anyway.

AUGUST: First lady Michelle Obama rolls out a new campaign to promote the eating of junk food. “Candy, sugary sodas, Twinkies three times a day, and lots of Mickey D’s,” the First Lady says. “That’s the secret to a healthy, happy life.” Congressional Republicans and Fox News immediately go on an outraged crusade against the movement, which they call “yet another attempt by the Imperial Obama Presidency to control every aspect of our lives.” Fox begins promoting salads, low-fat foods, and drinking lots of water, while the Republican caucus gives up sugar, white bread and potatoes. Waistlines shrink across the nation, and obesity-related illnesses take a prodigious drop. “I don’t know why it took me so long to figure this out,” the first lady says.

SEPTEMBER: Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush formally announces his candidacy for the Republican Presidential nomination. Bush vows not to back down on his support for immigration reform and the federal Common Core standards, even though those issues are unpopular with conservatives. “I’m willing to lose the primary to win the general,” a defiant Bush says, repeating earlier statement he made to the online magazine Politico.

OCTOBER: The Jeb Bush campaign issues a retraction of his “willing to lose the primary to win the general” promise when someone explains to him how the primary system works.

NOVEMBER: Texas Sen. Ted Cruz attempts to stop President Obama from pardoning the White House turkey by going to the Senate floor for a marathon reading of the children’s book “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell asks the office of senate legal counsel for an opinion on whether the Senate can involuntarily commit one of its own members.

DECEMBER: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat all experience a massive decline in users after Santa announces he’s going to start using social media to help compile the “naughty” and “nice” lists. A young woman identified only as “@SexyAllie 999” explains to The New York Times why she deleted her Snapchat account: “Like, I don’t know if sending some random guy a picture of my, y’know, breasts is, like, something that will get me on, like, the naughty list? But, I mean, I’m not, y’know, taking any chances.”

As we like to say at this season (with a hat tip to poet Ogden Nash): Duck! Here comes another year!

2014: The Year in Preview

The Pilot Newspaper: Opinion

Other columns and stories look back on the year just past, but your Humble Columnist prefers to look ahead and away from a year that, quite frankly, has passed about as pleasantly for him as a golf-ball-sized kidney stone.

So, once again, our annual year in PREview:

JANUARY: The opening of the new congressional session is delayed when Sen. Ted Cruz vows to stand in a front entrance to the Capitol and sing the children’s folk song “Froggy Went A-Courtin’” until Obamacare is repealed.

The tactic is foiled when, after a six-hour standoff, the legislators recall that there’s a back entrance.

FEBRUARY: Tea party congressmen threaten to block any increase in the debt ceiling until President Obama agrees to step down, plead guilty to four counts of first degree murder in the Benghazi attacks, retroactively veto the Affordable Care Act, and admit to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby, but not before issuing an executive order to give that “Duck Dynasty” guy his job back.

“Why won’t this Kenyan Socialist Marxist Fascist Chicago thug ever agree to negotiate with us?” demands North Carolina Rep. Virginia Foxx when the president refuses to consider the demands.

MARCH: Republican legislators in Tennessee introduce legislation to legalize beating food stamp recipients with sticks.

“We just feel that not allowing people to physically assault the poor just perpetuates a culture of dependency,” explains state GOP Chairman Clem Flenders. “What incentive will people have to even look for work if they’re not in constant fear of injury?”

APRIL: Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly is forced to take a leave of absence after an on-air meltdown during which she begins screaming at guest Juan Williams about the race of the Easter Bunny. “He’s a WHITE rabbit!” Kelly raves. “WHITE, do you hear!?”

She then begins rocking back and forth, hugging herself and softly crooning “Here Comes Peter Cottontail” until gently led offstage by Williams.

MAY: NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden drops another bombshell when he reveals a program run by the secretive agency that collects intimate data on millions of Americans, including such highly personal details as how much alcohol they’ve had to drink over a 24-hour period, pictures of what they had for dinner, the names and ages of household pets, and even their moods.

The bombshell fizzles when it’s revealed that the “program” is just NSA employees surfing Facebook when they were supposed to be working.

JUNE: A major breakthrough occurs in relations between the U.S. and North Korea as baby-faced lunatic dictator Kim Jong-un offers to give up nuclear weapons and initiate major political and economic reforms so long as we never, ever let Dennis Rodman travel to North Korea again.

“We thought he was interesting at first,” Kim says through a translator, “but MAN, that dude gets annoying after a while.”

JULY: After rehearsals for the MTV Video Music Awards, teen pop idol Miley Cyrus is rushed to the emergency room when she sprains her tongue by sticking it out so far she becomes unable to put it back into her mouth. Cyrus later tweets to her followers that “Mama always said if I made faces it’d stick like that. Never thought it actually would. #blurredmind”

AUGUST: Half-term Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin uses her Facebook page to complain that a “Godless left-wing conspiracy” is behind the fact that someone responded to one of her sneezes by saying “bless you” rather than “God bless you.” Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck and Mike Huckabee all take up the cause in what comes to be known as the “Remember Jesus After Your Sneezes” campaign.

SEPTEMBER: A notable TV personality gets suspended or fired for saying something egregiously racist or homophobic. Right-wingers propose an amendment making it a fundamental constitutional right for a conservative — but only a conservative — to have a TV or radio show.

OCTOBER: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford wins “Best Costume” at the city’s annual Halloween party when he shows up as a sober person and no one recognizes him.

NOVEMBER: A midterm election is held. All those who lose claim they lost because of voter fraud. Or voter suppression. Or something other than their flawed message or lousy campaign.

DECEMBER: Christmas comes around again. And once again, I don’t get a pony.

Happy New Year, folks!

2013: The Year In PREview

Latest newspaper column:

At this time of year, newspapers, magazines, and TV shows are filled with retrospectives of the past year: "Top 10 News stories"; "Top 10 Sports Stories"; "Top 10 Drunken Celebrity Mishaps," etc.

Not this column, by golly. We believe in looking forward, not back. So, as always, we bring you 2013: the year in PRE-view:

JANUARY: House Republicans vote to replace John Boehner as speaker of the House with actor/director Clint Eastwood.

"We read an article by this guy from the American Enterprise Institute that pointed out that there's nothing in the Constitution requiring the speaker to actually be a member," says House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, "and everyone here really loves Clint. He's the guy that won the election for Romney."

When a reporter points out that Mitt Romney did not actually win the election and that the majority of Americans who saw Eastwood's argument with an empty chair at the RNC regarded the performance as an embarrassment, Cantor and other Republicans in the vicinity put their hands over their ears and chant, "We're not listening, we're not listening, na na na..."

FEBRUARY: Fox News commentators join forces with right-wing religious organizations to demand the resignation of President Obama after he refers to the Feb. 14 holiday as "Valentine's Day."

"It's SAINT Valentine's Day!" thunders Catholic League President William A. Donohue. Bill O'Reilly chimes in, saying, "The fact that this so-called 'president' refuses to honor an obscure saint who no one really knows anything about just illustrates his implacable hatred and hostility toward religion."

MARCH: House Republicans refuse to authorize an increase in the country's debt ceiling unless the administration agrees to cut three months out of the calendar year.

"We're in a lot of debt in these debt-filled times of great debt," House Majority Leader Eric Cantor says. "We can't afford all these months where we just have more and more debt, because we're very concerned about debt. Debt. Debt. Debt. Also, Greece."

APRIL: Following the success of the first installment of Peter Jackson's film version of "The Hobbit" (which stretches the shortest of J.R.R. Tolkien's Middle Earth novels into three movies, each nearly three hours long), Jackson announces his new project: a four-part, 16-hour filmed version of the children's book "Pat the Bunny."

MAY: House Republicans defend Speaker Clint Eastwood's "interview" with "60 Minutes," which is actually just Eastwood screaming at a picture of reporter Lara Logan propped up on a sofa.

"He really schooled that socialist [bad word]," North Carolina Rep. Patrick McHenry chortles to what he thinks is an interviewer from Fox News, but is actually a hatrack in the House cloakroom.

JUNE: After five people are shot by an assault-rifle-wielding gunman in a Piggly Wiggly store in Birmingham, Ala., NRA President Wayne LaPierre holds a press conference demanding that grocery clerks, stock people and bag boys be armed with handguns.

JULY: Unfazed by national criticism of its "Stand Your Ground" law, Florida enacts the "What Are YOU Lookin' At?" law, which allows gun owners to shoot anyone they "reasonably believe is eyeballing them in a suspicious or threatening manner."

AUGUST: Social network Facebook announces more changes to its so-called "privacy policy."

Founder Mark Zuckerberg explains: "If you join Facebook, you agree to let our employees come to your house and look through your stuff. But don't worry. We won't misuse the information. We promise."

SEPTEMBER: A deranged man shoots four garbage collectors with an assault rifle, then kills himself. NRA President Wayne LaPierre holds a press conference demanding that all garbage trucks be armored and equipped with gun turrets.

OCTOBER: A Justice Department investigation of the three largest American banks determines that the banks engaged in money-laundering for drug cartels and terrorist organizations and defrauded investors out of billions. It also turns up evidence that bank executives were personally involved in major narcotics trafficking, gun-running, prostitution, murder for hire, convenience store robberies, and shoplifting.

The Justice Department, however, follows the pattern it has established in previous investigations and refuses to pursue criminal indictments.

"You know how it is," Assistant Attorney General Lanny Breuer announces with a shrug. "They're bankers. Mess with them and they might get mad and collapse the economy again." Breuer, however, promises that the civil settlements with the banksters will include a "very stern talking to."

NOVEMBER: Retailers Walmart and Best Buy create an uproar when they announce that their "Black Friday" pre-Christmas sales will now begin on Veterans Day. Consumers complain bitterly as they line up to get $199 50-inch flat-screen TVs.

DECEMBER: Not to be outdone by its competitors, Target announces that its Black Friday sales for 2014 will begin on Dec. 26, 2013.

Like it or not, here comes another year....