Review: Layer Cake by J.J. Connolly

Layer Cake by J.J. Connolly

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


A young drug dealer who fancies himself a bit above it all, a bit smarter than the average thug, learns some harsh lessons at the hands of some very bad people. The book is written in first person, in such a thick British criminal argot that it took me back to the first time I read "A Clockwork Orange." Eventually, you adjust to it, though. The plot wanders a bit in the middle, but eventually it all comes together in a fast and furious climax of big fish eating little fish, only to find out that, as the man said, there's always a bigger fish. Recommended.



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Holiday Vacation Guide 2013

The Pilot: Southern Pines, NC

On this holiday weekend, of course, we remember those who gave their lives in service.

But Memorial Day also marks the beginning of the summer. With summer comes vacation (for some, at least). And with vacations comes travel. Which means it's time once again for our annual roundup of vacation destinations that are unusual, offbeat, or just plain weird.

  *I have to say, I'm more than a little jealous of the folks in New Jersey (one of the few times you'll ever hear me say that). Why, you may ask? Well, they have a neat battleship memorial, just like the one we have in Wilmington. But at the U.S.S. New Jersey Battleship Memorial, you actually get to fire one of the big 16-inch guns. Sort of.

Seems that when the state cut funding for the memorial, they needed to come up with extra cash, pronto. So, for 30 bucks extra, you can climb into the turret, load the shells, pack the powder bags, load the target info into the gun's primitive computer, and pull the big brass trigger.

Sadly, one does not actually get to lob a 1,900-pound high-explosive shell at the state capital in Trenton (which might at least make the legislature reconsider the funding cuts). There is a heck of a big bang and a rumble that simulates what the gun crew must have felt, which is to say probably the biggest rush you can experience with your clothes on. (If you think that last sentence means I need to get out more, you're probably right.)

*If you've ever looked up during a camping trip or picnic and said, "You know what? There just aren't enough bugs here to suit me," then The Bugseum of New Jersey in Toms River may be just your thing. Even though they boast a collection of "thousands of beautiful and bizarre exotic insects from all over the world," the Bugseum (aka "Insectropolis") isn't just about watching our six-legged friends at work and play. Oh, no. You can "play bug games" on touch-screen computers, or crawl through their mud tube pretending to be a termite.

Seriously. They advertise this.

Before you leave, you have the opportunity to "touch a live tarantula, scorpion, millipede, and a hissing cockroach." Wheeee!


The website promises that "a world of amazing creatures awaits." If it's waiting for me, it's going to be a while.

-*If you go to Southern Illinois University in Carbondale, don't forget to visit King Tut's Pyramid. No, not that King Tut. The King Tut buried under a concrete pyramid at SIU's stadium is a dog. A saluki, in fact, which is a kind of Egyptian hunting dog allegedly favored by the pharaohs.

King Tut was the first of his breed to serve as the school's official mascot after they changed their team name to the Salukis. It's a silly name, to be sure, but better than the team's old name: The Maroons.

*The recent hit movie "Lincoln" has inspired a revival of interest in our nation's 16th president. If The Great Emancipator is one of your interests, then you have to check out the famous - or perhaps we should say notorious - Lincoln statue in front of the Bennington Museum in Bennington, Vt.

Crafted by distinguished 19th century sculptor Clyde du Vernet Hunt, the statue portrays Lincoln, draped in a knee-length cloak, as Charity. He's accompanied by the figures of Faith and Hope. So far, so good. Except that Faith is a comely young woman kneeling before Lincoln, facing him with her head at his waist level and half-wrapped in his cloak, and Hope is a nude young boy, also facing Lincoln, who has his hand fondly on the naked youth's head.

I understand that it was sculpted in a simpler, more innocent time, but to 21st century eyes, the effect is ... unsettling, to say the least.

* While you're in New England, be sure to drop by Cheshire, Mass., and check out a tribute to one really big cheese.

The Cheshire Cheese monument commemorates the accomplishments of one John Leland ("eloquent preacher, beloved pastor, influential patriot"), the crowning moment of whose life was delivering a Cheshire cheese weighing some 1,235 pounds to President Thomas Jefferson "in the presence of foreign diplomats, Supreme Court judges, and the Congress."

One can only imagine the bemusement of the assembled dignitaries when the cheese-loving cleric wheeled that monstrosity into the room. And what does the monument itself portray? A giant cheese press, of course. What else?

Wherever you're headed this summer, have fun and drive safely.

Review: THE HARD BOUNCE by Todd Robinson

The Hard Bounce by Todd Robinson

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


It's a standard P.I. novel plot: rich powerful man asks the wisecracking gumshoe to find and bring back his troubled young daughter. P.I. goes looking, poking around and asking questions, until someone beats him up or takes a shot at him and he discovers that things aren't as they seem, and things get more complicated from there.

In Todd Robinson's original take on the well-worn plot, however, the protagonist and his sidekick aren't P.I.'s, they're bouncers for downscale bars. They're professional kickers of asses, and they're as apt to dish out a beating with their questions as to take one--but only if the lowlife in question deserves it. And in their quest to find the girl, Boo Malone and Junior McCullough find plenty of folks who deserve it. They're saved from being portrayed as mere leg-breakers by Robinson's sharp, funny dialogue and the characters' fierce, years-long loyalty to each other. You quickly come to really care about the big bruisers and the surrogate family they've cobbled together over years of hard knocks. The book has plenty of twists and surprises, as any good hardboiled adventure should, and it all comes together to a fine, satisfying ending.

Recommended.



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In Which I Try To Bring Left And Right Together

Outrage Should Cut Both Ways | The Pilot: Southern Pines, NC

I agree that the seizure of the phone records of The Associated Press by the Department of Justice is outrageous.

I also agree that it's outrageous for the IRS to have singled out tea party groups for extra scrutiny regarding their petitions to get tax-exempt status as "social welfare," rather than "political" organizations.

But these scandals give all of us, on the left and the right and the big squishy middle, an unprecedented opportunity to work together. Let's start with the DOJ seizure of AP's phone information.

They're being typically close-mouthed about it at the time of this writing, but it appears that the information was gathered pursuant to investigatory powers that were greatly expanded as a major part of the 2001 Patriot Act, including the infamous "National Security Letters," which allow the government to legally demand information without judicial oversight or the knowledge of the person being investigated.

And, while the DOJ won't say what investigation the phone records were pertinent to, we do know they've been investigating who leaked information to AP about a CIA operation against a terrorist cell in Yemen, a leak which the DOJ claims threatened national security.

I hate to say "I told you so," but I can't help but mention how ironic it is that I was once called a traitor for writing columns against the act, by the same sort of people who claim to be outraged now.

I said at the time, "Do you want to turn that kind of power over to Hillary Clinton?" (Because back then, it looked like Clinton was a lock for the Dem nomination.) The right wing response? "YOU WANT US TO GET ATTACKED AGAIN!!! 9/11 WAS CAUSED BY YOU LIBERALS!!!!! AAAAAAAHHH!!!!"

But let's not dwell on the past. It's time to pull together.

As for the IRS: It was absolutely wrong for the IRS to give extra scrutiny to tea party groups to see if they were involved in partisan political activity inconsistent with their nonprofit status. I mean, of course they were. All you had to do was look at their signs and listen to their rhetoric. But it was unfair to single them out.

But does anyone remember the outrage over Bush-era IRS auditing of the NAACP? Remember the outrage over Bush-era IRS audits of Greenpeace? Remember the outrage when All Saints Episcopal Church in Pasadena was threatened with losing its tax exempt status for speaking out against the Iraq War before the 2004 election (while other churches in Ohio were openly campaigning for Republican candidates)?
Yeah, me neither. Because none of that outrage ever happened, even though the actual outrages did. 

But again, let's not dwell on the past.

So here's the plan. Even though there's no evidence that the extra scrutiny of the tea party groups was ordered by the White House, I am, for the sake of amity and bipartisanship, willing to join in the Republican call that the president apologize for it in addition to merely condemning it.

You folks on the right need to see if you can get ahold of Dubbya and get him to put down his paint brush long enough to retroactively do the same in regard to progressive groups that got the same treatment.

Going forward, I'm calling on the IRS to carefully scrutinize all organizations claiming tax exempt status under section 501(c)(4) of the Internal Revenue Code, to see if they're actually partisan political rather than social welfare organizations. I expect my friends on the right to demand the same.

It should be noted, however, that conservative 501(c)(4) nonprofits like Karl Rove's Crossroads GPS spent more than $263 million during the 2012 campaign, while liberal counterparts like MoveOn.org spent "only" $35 million, according to a study performed by the Center for Responsive Politics and reported in the Washington Post. So it may look to the right as if they're being singled out again. But it's just the numbers. You do more than seven times the spending, you'll get more than seven times the investigations. I'm sure you won't mind.

As for the scandal over the phone records, I'm calling on the president and the Democrats in Congress to repeal the Patriot Act, or any provision of any law that allows the FBI to demand phone and other records they claim are "relevant to an investigation of terrorism or clandestine intelligence activity," without any judicial oversight.
I'm sure all of my friends on the right agree (now) that that kind of power shouldn't be given to anyone, even in investigations of national security leaks. If it is given, it's going to be used, because if it isn't, and something terrible happens, we know who'll get blamed, tarred and feathered. So best not to let the government have the option.

At long last, let us work together. I'm looking forward to it.

My Commencement Address To The Class of 2013

Latest Newspaper Column:

This month, many of our country's youth will be experiencing one of the great rites of passage: college graduation.

All across our great land, young men and women, many of them hung over in conditions ranging from "Y'know, I could use another hour or so of sleep" to "Dear God, if you are a God of mercy, please kill me now," are gathering in college stadiums and auditoriums to receive their degrees.

But first, they have to sit through another hallowed tradition: the commencement address. Writers, poets, politicians, celebrities and other luminaries will stand before a sea of fresh, eager young faces and impart the wisdom they've learned over the years (or, in the case of some of the celebrities, in rehab).

And, once again, I'm not there.

Astonishing, I know. After all these years, no one has asked your Humble Columnist to deliver a commencement speech. As I pointed out the first time I made note of it in these very pages in 2000, there may be greater injustices in this world, but I can't think of any right now. I had a speech all ready, back then, and I've been working on it over the years. So, without further ado, here's my updated commencement speech for the class of 2013:

"Students and faculty of Ottsamata University, parents, friends, homeboys, besties, entourages, baby-mamas and assorted hangers-on, welcome. It's truly an honor to be invited to give the commencement speech here at good old Ottsamata U.

I know some of you out there in the crowd have big dreams. Congratulations. Dreams are good. But here's the bad news: Big dreams don't make you special. Everybody's got dreams. You need to actually do something to make them happen. Dream, then plan, then carry out the plan. Whatever you're doing in the meantime to put food on the table and a roof over your head, do at least two concrete things every single day to work that plan and bring you closer to your dream.

Will that guarantee that your dreams come true? No. Nothing will. What makes dreams come true is a combination of hard work and dumb luck. You can only control one of those. What all that effort will guarantee is that you don't end your life regretting that you never even tried.

You get better at anything by doing it with people who are much better at it than you are. This applies to most human endeavors: music, sports, writing, sex. The only exception I can think of is gunfighting.

In a world of more than 7 billion people, a certain percentage are going to be jerks. You cannot change that. You cannot change them. Don't try. As a wise person once wrote on the Internet, you are not the Jerk Whisperer.

Always remember: Freedom and democracy are not for the wimpy, faint of heart, or thin-skinned. Your right to freedom of speech is not being denied if someone calls your ideas (or you) chuckle-headed. Especially if they (or you) are.

Smart people know how much they don't know. Absolute certainty, without even that tiny seed of doubt that causes someone to search out evidence or proof, is one of the hallmarks of the complete blockhead.

Don't listen to people who tell you not to be angry. There are things worth being angry about. Ignorance, injustice, oppression - these things deserve your anger. But anger is like fire: It needs to be harnessed and directed. Fire in a boiler drives an engine or heats a building. Fire left undirected and uncontrolled will burn the place down. Direct your anger like a blowtorch. And, like any tool, put it down when you're not working.

You want to find love? Don't look for it. Don't even think about looking for it. Need is not an aphrodisiac. Work on being awesome. Do something or learn something that makes you light up inside. That light will draw people, and love will find you. And if it doesn't ... you still end up being awesome.

In conclusion, always remember that just because I don't always follow my own advice doesn't mean it's not good.

May you all find love, and may you all be awesome. Good luck."

Terrible Minds, Great Questions

I'm answering Ten Questions About Broken Shield  over at Chuck Wendig's blog terribleminds. Check it out!