Sunday, December 11, 2005

Christmas in Crawford

Latest Radical Islamist Newspaper Column

One of the great traditions of Christmas is, of course, the Christmas card. Some folks prefer, in lieu of a card, to write everybody a long chatty letter telling folks how the year has gone. Even some of the world’s most famous people indulge themselves this way.

Here, courtesy of your Humble Columnist, is one example of just such a letter:

Christmas Greetings from Crawford!

We’re having a quiet Christmas in Crawford this year. Just a few friends. Very few. Actually, just Karl and Dick. They insisted on that. And it was their idea to ban all TV, radio and newspapers from the house. They call it the Christmas Bubble. Isn’t that cute? And it’s done wonders for George’s mood. We’re so lucky to have Karl and Dick to keep his spirits high.

Wow, what a year it’s been! Things started off really well, what with the fun and excitement of our second inaugural celebration back in January. We had a lot to look forward to, what with George winning that huge mandate and amassing all that political capital. And boy, did he spend it!

We’ve got so much to show for it, too. Take Social Security reform. … OK, bad example. Well, seniors got that Medicare prescription drug benefit. I hear one or two of them can actually understand it, which is more than I can say for George! Ha-ha!

Of course, no year is without its setbacks. I’m sure you all heard about Scooter’s little trouble with the law. But Dick tells us that it’s going to turn out fine and that Scooter will be totally exonerated. His exact words were that the prosecution was in its “last throes.” Funny, I seem to remember hearing that before somewhere, but I can’t remember exactly where.

Speaking of trouble with the law, our friend Tom got some great news the other day. The judge threw out one of the three charges against him. George called him up to congratulate him on his big win. “That’s half the case!” he said. (George is so funny when he tries to do math.) Tom seems pretty sure that he’ll be acquitted. Of course, he said the same thing about Duke Cunningham, but I’m sure this time he’s right.

Another good friend who faced hard times this year was poor Brownie. Who knew that when he was appointed head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, he’d end up actually having to manage an emergency? I mean, is that bad luck, or what?

But Brownie being Brownie, he’s managed to hold on to his sense of humor. I heard he was going around telling people, get this — that his next venture was going to be setting himself up as a consultant on disaster preparedness! Isn’t that a scream?

Harriet’s back at work and seems pretty happy, even though she’s obviously disappointed after having to withdraw her nomination for the Supreme Court. I really think people were unfair to Harriet. I mean, so what if she had no experience and was completely unqualified? It’s not like we were sending her there to actually think about complicated legal stuff! We were sending her there to watch George’s back! I mean, what part of “crony” do these people not understand?

Unfortunately, even at this happy holiday season, some people just have to be nasty ol’ Grinches. Like that silly Sheehan woman, going on and on and on about her dead son, and how she doesn’t like the war and blah blah blah. I wish she’d just get over it, you know? I mean, a lot of people have lost someone in this war. No one we know personally, of course, but I’ve read about them.

And that John McCain! I’m so mad at him I could just spit! How dare he propose a law that says George can’t order that people be tortured! Not that we actually do torture people, of course. Oh, sure, we may strap people to a board, put a cloth over their face and pour water on the cloth so they think they’re drowning, but Rummy tells me that that’s just, you know, horseplay.

Besides, George explained to me, we don’t torture people, because torture is illegal. We only do things that are legal, so if we do it, it’s not illegal, therefore, it’s not torture. You see why I love this man? Anyway, John McCain should just shut his big mouth. After all, what does he know about torture?

Whew! I seem to have gotten a wee bit out of the Christmas spirit for a moment there, didn’t I? Sorry about that. But don’t worry about me! A few dozen Xanax and I’ll be my cheery holiday self again!

Anyway, I’ve got to run. The twins will be home for the holidays any minute now, so I’ve got to make sure all the liquor’s safely locked away. And George’s mother will be here, so I better down a few more of those Xanax.

Hugs, Laura.


David Terrenoire said...

Very funny, Christmas dude. Speaking of torture, Max Boot, columnist for the LA Times and from what I can tell by his bio has never served a day in uniform (not counting Webelos), has said that the treatment prisoners get at Gitmo is no worse than the treatment I got from drill sergeants at Fort Bragg.

That's right. I always said basic training was torture, but who knew?

James Lincoln Warren said...

What I want to know is how you got on Laura's Christmas card list.

And don't talk to me about Max Boot.

JD Rhoades said...

I'm on a lot of strange lists. Just yesterday, people from Nigeria offered me money.