Dear Santa

Latest Newspaper Column:

Leaks drive the news cycle these days. Seems like every day, some memo or report that somebody didn't want the public to see is fed to the press through some back channel.

But so far, one super-secret organization has managed to remain relatively leak-resistant. Until now. This columnist has obtained documents so secret and so shocking that they blow the lid off an organization so clandestine that some people deny its very existence. Without further ado, dear readers, here are letters from Santa's mailbag.

Dear Santa: I have been extra good this year, defending Christmas against those secularists who insist on trying to destroy this wonderful season by saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." I know you'll agree with me, and that you believe as I do. So, at the risk of sounding immodest, I'd like something for Christmas that reflects my contribution to the spirit of this season. (signed) Bill, c/o Fox News.

Note to staff: Is there some way we can gift wrap a swift kick in the butt and leave it under little Billy's tree? Or is there some other way we can get it across to this dunderhead that the "spirit of the season" doesn't include paranoia, small-mindedness, and getting your knickers in a wad over imaginary slights? Please take a meeting on this and get back to me. S.

Dear Santa: I'm in a lot of trouble. I'm about to be confirmed as secretary of defense, which means I'm going to be responsible for this whole Iraq thing. Problem is, I haven't got the slightest idea what I'm doing. The whole place is going to hell in a handbasket, and our troops are going to get caught in the middle. So all I really want for Christmas is a plan to end this nightmare. (signed) Bobby Gates, Washington D.C.

Note to staff: Someone get in touch with little Bobby and give him Johnny Murtha's phone number. They were laughing at Johnny last year, saying he wanted to "cut and run," but something tells me that now they'll be a little more willing to listen. S.

Dear Santa: I don't know what happened. This time last year, I was riding high. I was the Decider. Now the people elected Democrats to run the House and Senate and I can't count on getting everything I want anymore. World leaders are thumbing their noses at me. Even some of my friends are telling me I'm wrong. I really, really hate that, Santa.

I want things to be like they were before, when everyone was telling me how great I was and even the press was afraid to call me on the crazy stuff I was doing. Santa, I want my mojo back. Now. Hey, maybe you can leave some evidence that Muqtada al-Sadr was behind 9/11 under my tree. No one else has to know. (signed) George W., The White House

Note to staff: Someone needs to let Georgie know that Santa's part of the reality-based community. I can make reindeer fly, but even I have limits, especially considering how long Georgie's been on the naughty list. Send him a fruitcake and let him know he only gets that because I'm a nice guy. S.

Dear Santa: Man, getting fired at Christmas really sucks. Now I've got an apartment in New York to pay for, my credit cards are maxed out, and since I'm no longer a U.N. ambassador I don't have diplomatic immunity, which means I have to pay these $40,000 worth of parking tickets from the NYPD. I need a job, pronto. But let's face it, I don't have the greatest people skills. I'm abrasive, arrogant, and prone to scream at people who don't agree with me. Santa, can you help me? (signed) John B, New York

Note to staff: Send Johnny's resume to Fox News. And Court TV while you're at it. S.

Dear Santa: Like, this year has really been a bummer. I had to, you know, kick that worthless loser K-Fed to the curb? And I started, like, hanging out with Paris Hilton, right? And now there's all these pictures of me getting out of limos with, like no underwear on and they're all over the, you know, Internet and stuff? Can you, like, I dunno, give me something that'll like keep that from happening again? (signed) Britney S, La-La Land.

Note to staff: Send Britney a gross of Fruit of the Looms. And maybe she wouldn't have these problems if she only had a brain. See if you can get in touch with the Wizard of Oz. S.

Dear Santa: I have not been bad this year, but if I was going to be bad, I would do so by writing a book about how I would have killed my wife if I had actually killed my wife, which I didn't, and I didn't write the book either, but if I had written it, it didn't get published, so I didn't get the money I would have gotten if I had written it, which I didn't.

Long story short, make this Christmas easy on yourself, and just bring money. How about tens and twenties? (signed) O.J., Coral Gables. Fla.

Note to staff: How's that swift kick in the butt project coming? Please advise. S.