Aw, Shucks...President? Me?

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My good friends, there comes a time when a man must realize that his destiny is summoning him.

There comes a time when a man must realize that weird buzzing he's been hearing in his left ear, the one everyone tells him he really ought to see a doctor about, is actually the clarion call of history, inviting him to greatness.

That time, my friends, is now. That man, my friends, is me.

First, a little back story. As I'm sure you've heard recently, presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama was recently overheard at a fundraiser in (gasp!) San Francisco, making the following horrifying statement:

"You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing's replaced them and it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations."

Boy, that one really chaps my butt. How dare Barack Obama suggest that people's dislike of anyone different or fear of immigrants is anything more than a deeply held American value!

Obama's opponents were quick to point out what a big hoity-toity Mr. Fancy Pants Obama is: "It shows an elitism and condescension toward hard-working Americans that is nothing short of breathtaking," a McCain spokesman said of Obama's words.

It's good to know that the son of one Navy admiral and the grandson of another, who went to one of the most elite private schools in the nation in Alexandria, Va., who married a model and later an heiress, and rode his wife's father's beer distributing fortune to his first political office, a guy whose wife owns eight houses, for crying out loud, is still in touch with the steelworkers and farmers that make this country great. Assuming, that is, that he can find a steelworker whose job didn't go overseas during the past 25 years.

Hillary Clinton went even further. Not only did she say that Obama's comments were "elitist" and "condescending," but she also went to great pains to show that her multimillionaire status, privileged upbringing, and former first-ladyship didn't set her apart from the common man.

She even talked about how her daddy used to take her up behind the summer cottage and teach her to shoot, then she went to a working-class bar in Pittsburgh and downed shots and draft beer, just like the working class dudes do every day! Why, she even apparently recognized the average American's need to economize by recycling. After all, why should she spend her supporters' hard-earned dough by hiring speechwriters when she can save money by parroting the Republican candidate?

And I for one am so glad that we have rich TV and media stars like Sean Hannity and Michelle Malkin to tell us how the working people of America really feel.

They're not bitter, our well-heeled pundits assure us. They're happy their jobs went to Mexico and Indonesia!

But then it struck me. Compared to Clinton, McCain, and certainly to Mr. Brie-Eating, Latte-Drinking Barack Obama, I am totally a man of the people. I'll bet I've had a gun in my hand a lot more recently than Hillary Clinton, and when it comes to doing shots and beers -- fuhgeddaboudit. In fact, I'm typing this with one hand while holding a .38-caliber revolver in the other, with a half-empty pitcher of Milwaukee's Best on the side table and a drained bottle of Old Grand-Dad at my feet. I've never even been to San Francisco. Well, OK, one time. But I kept my eyes closed the whole time.

I am that elusive guy that people like Chris Matthews say you want as your president: the guy you want to have a beer with. Ask anyone who's ever drunk beer with me. I'm huge fun. Oh, sure, I'd probably be a total incompetent when it comes to governing, especially after a few beers. But I am not, by golly, an elitist, and that, it seems, is all that really counts.

So it is time for me to embrace my destiny. As a totally normal guy who's no better than anyone else, and maybe even worse than some, it is my duty to declare my candidacy for the presidency of the United States of America.

And to show that I'm not an elitist, if I get elected, you guys can all totally come to the White House and take turns being the president. Because this is America, Mr. Liberal. We're founded on the principle that no one should act like they're any smarter or more competent or more perceptive than anyone else.

But wait. If I declare my candidacy for Leader of the Free World, doesn't that mean I'm saying I'm smart enough to do it? And wouldn't that mean I'm saying that I'm...

Dang. Never mind.