Ladies and gentlemen, What Fresh Hell is pleased today to host a writer who needs no introduction to most of you. Raconteur. Beer Connoisseur. Provocateur. Above all, a man who's always been a good and generous friend to me. The one, the only...Joe Konrath, er, Jack Kilborn.
It's not the best time to be a writer, because of the recession. Books, even paperbacks like AFRAID that are reasonably priced at $6.99, aren't selling very well.
This is a shame, because a good old-fashioned buying frenzy would help stimulate the economy.
In fact, I've crunched the numbers, and if only 1,889,011 people buy AFRAID, it will result in the creation of 23,007 new jobs, the DOW will climb by 949 points, gas prices will drop to 83 cents a gallon, and herpes will be cured.
Naturally, I want to see this happen, and I want to do my part. So here's what I'm proposing. If you follow these simple instructions, you will be personally rewarded, while also helping to stimulate the economy. Win win. Plus it's easy, fast, and fun.
Here's what you can do:
1. Buy AFRAID. You can buy it online, or in a store. Or you can borrow it from the library and then steal it (it's okay, they'll order a replacement.)
2. Save the receipt.
3. Scan the cover of Afraid and print out one hundred copies of the cover.
4. Handwrite on each of these flyers "This book is the greatest book ever written" and place them on the windshields of every car you see. (helpful hint: make sure the cars are stopped first)
5. Turn to page 54 of Afraid and circle the ninth sentence on the page.
6. Take the third letter from each word on the ninth sentence and rearrange them, Boggle-style, to form a new word that has never been heard before. Define this word as "Afraid is the greatest book ever written."
7. Handwrite this word on 250 Post-It notes, and hand draw the cover of Afraid on each, making sure the title and author are legible and the colors are correct.
8. Place these Post-It notes on the backs of homeless people, turning them into walking billboards. Also, maybe you can buy them a sandwich. And deodorant. Make sure you videotape this.
9. Pick up your local phone book and randomly call 50 people and/or businesses and read them the first six chapters of AFRAID. If they hang up, call them back.
10. Visit your local community college and enroll in a pottery class, then make a large vase with the words "AFRAID by JACK KILBORN" glazed onto the side. Fill this vase with healthy "green" snacks, like radishes, or buckwheat, and go on a cross-country bus tour, handing out handfuls of green goodness to people you sit next to, and to the bus driver, who sits on his ass 14 hours a day and could use something healthy.
11. When you return from your trip, Fed-Ex me the vase, the video footage of you tagging homeless people, your phone bill, and the license plate numbers of all the cars you put flyers on.
12. I'll send you a one dollar coupon, good toward the purchase of the next Jack Kilborn book.
It's that easy.
You can enter this contest as many times as you like, as long as you meet all the requirements for each copy of AFRAID you buy.
I know you care about the economy as much as I do. It's time for both of us to stop talking about it, and actually do something.
I'm doing my part. I urge you to do yours.
Your friend in economic recovery,
AFRAID releases today. Some early reactions:
Jack Kilborn's "Afraid" is a true page turner, a novel that offers a million mile a minute action and suspense. Definitely, a must have with constant thrills and chills. (Heather Graham, #1 New York Times Bestselling Author )
Full of colorful characters and dynamic action, this hard-to-put-down page turner will keep readers riveted and squirming in their seats. Hands down, AFRAID by Jack Kilborn is perhaps the best psychological horror novel to come along since Silence of the Lambs. (Michael Laimo, author of DEAD SOULS and DEEP IN THE DARKNESS )
"Kilborn kicks down your psyche's front door and RAISES HOLY EVER-LIVING HELL. Never have I read a novel so gruesome and simultaneously relentless. AFRAID throbs with unmitigated, inexorable. sheer friggin' TERROR." (Edward Lee, author of CITY INFERNAL and BRIDES OF THE IMPALER )
A bloody, terrifying, hurtling assault across a landscape of non-stop mayhem. A guilty, guilty pleasure. (F. Paul Wilson, creator of Repairman Jack )
"The moment I heard about this book, I couldn't wait to get my hands on it." (David Morrell, NYT bestselling author of Scavenger )
"AFRAID is a bungee jump into pure terror, a story that plays brilliantly on all our primal fears, and stands shoulder to shoulder with the very best of Harris, Koontz, and King. A classic horror novel." (Blake Crouch, author of Locked Doors )
"AFRAID is a masterpiece of unrelenting horror. And I'm not exaggerating. Masterpiece. It's the best piece of fiction I've read in several years. It simply NEVER lets up." (James Rollins, NYT bestselling author of Black Order )
Jack Kilborn's AFRAID is appropriately named. It will scare the hell out of anyone who reads it. Fast and ferocious, this is a dangerous thriller that will take a bite out of you. An absolute must read for anyone who loves the adrenaline rush of a shocking story told with style, speed and savage grace. (Jonathan Maberry, Bram Stoker Award winning author of PATIENT ZERO and THEY BITE )