Saturday, April 11, 2009

You, Too Can Be a Right-Wing Pundit!

Latest Newspaper Column:

Hey there, loyal readers! Out of work? Retirement fund tanking? Worried about your future?

Well, have I got a job for you! The people who brought you the Dusty Rhoades Serious Professional Journalists School are back, bringing you the Dusty Rhoades School for Right-Wing Punditry! Take your place alongside the true giants of wingnut commentary, people like Glenn Beck, Michelle Malkin, or even Papa Bear himself, Bill O'Reilly!

Just follow a couple of simple steps and you, too can be one of the Professionally Outraged!

Step One: Find something, anything, that President Obama or some other prominent alleged "liberal" does. It doesn't matter if it's something that every other president in recent memory has done.

Take, for instance the fact that, at recent events, President Barack Obama has used a teleprompter for some of his prepared remarks. It doesn't matter that George Dubbya Bush used a teleprompter (his even had to have some words spelled out phonetically so he could pronounce them, according to a story by Reuters News agency). Bush's daddy used a teleprompter, as did Bill Clinton. Even Ronald Reagan, who was known as The Great Communicator, used a teleprompter.

But if you're going to be a successful right-wing pundit, none of this matters. You can't let facts get in the way of...

Step Two: OUTRAGE! Whatever factoid you've picked, no matter how silly or trivial it is, has to be (1) Proof Positive That Barack Obama is the Antichrist, (2) A Sign of the Imminent Fall of Western Civilization to Hordes of Scary Brown People, or (3) Yet Another Sign That the Liberal Media Are In the Tank For Obama.

It's that simple!

Here's a helpful hint: It's always good if you can work in the phrase "change we can believe in" in a sarcastic manner. You don't even have to be clever or witty. All you have to do, really, is repeat the phrase. Example: "President Obama uses a teleprompter. Change we can believe in."

See how easy that is? It gives the illusion of wit, but requires no thought at all! Don't forget to sneer!

Unfortunately for you, the "Obama is a bad speaker! He's the only president who's had to use a teleprompter!" story is already taken. It's about run its course on the way to becoming another tool in the wingnut commentator's toolbox: The Zombie Lie. It's great for recycling old material.

A Zombie Lie is something that's been refuted over and over. Don't let that worry you! You can raise the lie again and again! That's why it's called a Zombie Lie! You deploy the ZL by reducing it to a one-liner or a stupid nickname that you then drop randomly into other discussions.

Example: In any discussion of former Vice President Al Gore, or of global warming, be sure to mention (with a sneer, of course) that "Al Gore claimed to have invented the Internet." It's been repeatedly shown that he never said that. But that's the beauty of the Zombie Lie: Truth can't kill it. So a year from now, you can call Obama "President Teleprompter" and the Zombie Lie will live again.

For the aspiring wingnut pundit, material is everywhere. Suggested topics: Barack Obama claims to be a man of the people, but lives in a very large house with a cook and a security staff; Obama has demanded an airplane for his personal use; or Obama's dog is some kind of "exotic" breed, not a good American dog at all.

Of course, these are just the basics. To learn more, you'll have to take our eight-week program, where you'll learn such techniques as: responding to even the mildest criticism by freaking out and crying that your free speech rights are being threatened; brushing aside inconvenient facts by irrelevant and insulting references to Michael Moore, Barbra Streisand, and Sean Penn; and, of course, blaming Bill Clinton for everything that happened from the dawn of history up until January 20, 2009, and blaming Barack Obama for everything that's happened after that date.

You also get free brain surgery at graduation to remove every memory of the past eight years. That way, you can squeal with indignation at "hateful liberal name-calling," blissfully ignorant that you sat on your butt and did nothing while people who dared disagree with the government spent that entire time being reviled as "traitors" and "anti-American."

Sign up today! Call 1-800-WINGNUT. Operators are standing by!


pattinase (abbott) said...

They would rather have the country go to hell in a handbasket than have Obama or the Dems succeed. That's unforgiveable. I don't think the Dems felt thusly after 9/11.

Gerard Saylor said...

Have you called 1-800-WINGNUT?

"Ooh hi Sexy...Enter your credit card number at any time. MasTerCard is the card of choice."

So many jokes come to mind.

charlie stella said...

JD, how’s this:

Obama won his first election by having lawyers undercut the democratic process. They had the incumbent disqualified because of signature issues (script vs. long hand petition signatures). So, he never really beat the incumbent to his first congressional seat, his team of lawyers had the incumbent (also a minority) disqualified. This should probably go to his brand of “inclusive government.”

Next, I guess, one can point to his inability to cast a vote (all those presents vs. Yes or No). Put that one in the “decisive” column.

Then comes the one you’ve been waiting for … “change we can believe in” … like recycling George W. Bush’s economic package. Put that one in the “change we can believe in” column.

Wiretapping … ooops, he even expanded that some. Put that in the “change we can believe in” column too.

I supposed you can add “No more earmarks” to the 9,000 in the stimulus package but that might be 9,000 too many facts to deal with. Or maybe it can be moved to the “special interests” column. He was gonna change that too if I’m not mistaken.

I’m not sure if his position on marriage qualifies for “change we can believe in” since he really didn’t break from his pre-election position … which happens to be the same as George W. Bush’s, of course; that marriage should ONLY be between a man and a woman. You tell me if that’s change or not. I’m afraid to say …

And, if Tom is around, there’s always the “keeping jobs in America” fallacy (what it turned out to be) with the increase (not decrease) in outsourcing, especially by corporations given all that welfare (our dollars, by the way) so they could ignore those “tax benefits” to companies which choose to keep jobs in America. Tax benefits … I’ll tell you what, give me $850 million and I’ll never complain about paying taxes again either.

What was that about sarcasm, Dusty?

Anonymous said...

And here we see our Valedictorian graduate Charlie Stella above us.

charlie stella said...

Anonymous ... I love it.

charlie stella said...

Now, I’m forced to guess (which in itself takes more balls than writing an “anonymous” wisecrack) … but let’s have fun with it. What’s YOUR line (say)?

Are you “awesome” by any chance?
Are you an awesome remora?
Do you physically stand or sit to pee?
Do you jab at someone from a dark corner and then remain in hiding?
Are you in search of an identity … maybe even a real life?

If not, then you’ve come to the right place … or one of the right places … the blogosphere … where telephone tough guys came with the advent of the Internet … I’ll bet you can make yourself quake in your little booties while standing in front of a mirror playing Travis Bickle with your bad self.

And for that, I nominate you “blogger awesome” … All hail you, anonymous.

JD Rhoades said...

Just remember our policy at What Fresh Hell, folks: you have the right to post anonymously, but we all have the right to mock you as a nutless wonder for doing it.

charlie stella said...

Thanks, JD.

As for my commentary ... just remember, folks, it's from Left of left (and not a right wing rant). It's from Obama being too much like the last guy (definitely better than the last guy but the mouse that eats my dog's snacks would be better than the last guy).

And contrary to popular opionion (here), I'm rooting for Obama ... I'm just very unhappy with many of his big choices so far (the biggest being the lack of protection for workers). And I do think his party (like the other one) is USELESS.

Now, blogger awesome anonymous, put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Anonymous said...

I don't have a real comment. I just wanted to post anonymously. I should do this all the time.

JD Rhoades said...

I don't have a real comment.Very few anonymice do.

charlie stella said...

awesome blogger anonymous MUST be a comedian ... don't you think?

I sure do.

Anonymous said...

Heck, I don't have much a real comment when I post with my own name. At least now I can avoid future embarassment.

Anonymous said...

To be clear: I'm a different anonymous than the first anonymous who was whining about Stella.

charlie stella said...

So, you're a comedian with friends? Real friends or beggers who need the hype?

Your moment(s) in the sun ... enjoy it, loser(s).