Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Oh. My. God.

Canadian Governor general skins seal, eats heart
Governor General Michaëlle Jean, on the first day of her trip to the Arctic, gutted a freshly slaughtered seal, pulled out its raw heart — and ate it.

Hundreds of Inuit at a community festival in Rankin Inlet gathered around as she made a gesture of solidarity with the country’s beleaguered seal hunters.

Jean knelt above a pair of carcasses and used a traditional blade to slice the meat off the skin.

After repeated, vigorous cuts through the flesh the Queen’s representative turned to the woman beside her and asked enthusiastically if she could try the heart.

Afterward Jean used a tissue to wipe her blood-soaked fingers, and explain her gesture of solidarity with the region’s Inuit hunters.

Y'know, I confess, I always thought of Canadians as kind of laid back. Not wimpy exactly, but not the kind of bad-asses who'd "enthusiastically" cut the bleeding warm heart from a seal and chow down on it.

I apologize. I got it wrong. Your leaders are insane. We're talking batshit crazy on a Ted Nugent level. I'm beginning to see why the Russians never fucked with you people. I'm thinking Hillary Clinton needs to go on TV, rip the heart out of a grizzly bear and consume it on live TV, then turn to the camera with blood on her teeth and ask Kim Jong-Il if he'd like to cut the bullshit with the missile tests and return to the six-party talks.

I'm reasonably sure it would work.

12 comments:

Rob Gregory Browne said...

So do you think it tasted like chicken?

Stephen Blackmoore said...

What they don't say is that a reporter asked her what is best in life and she answered, "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women."

And then she stuck the reporter's head on the end of a pike.

I'd vote for her.

JD Rhoades said...

Vote? I'd MARRY the wench.

Anonymous said...

As a quick aside, the Governor-General is not elected, so we can't vote for her. She is technically appointed by the Queen as her emissary in Canada (and, as such, our 'de facto' head of state, as the Queen is our 'de jure' head of state), but today is appointed, de facto, by the (elected) Prime Minister.

The GG generally only has power during constitutional crises, or, well, while eating the still-beating heart of a seal.Yes, the Queen's representative ate a bloody seal heart. REJOICE, FOR THE END HAS COME.

Cym Lowell said...

This is a funny crazy story...and your comments even funnier/crazier! Thanks for the laughs tonight...

-Christy for
Cym Lowell

Anonymous said...

Ha. She sounds amazing.

Fellow Dorothy Parker fan. <3

Anonymous said...

Ya know that Hillary Clinton idea? I like that. I think that would work. Let's try it.

Wench said...

Ok, I'm in tears laughing here.

eviljwinter said...

Well, here's where Sarah Palin can earn some foreign policy cred so she no longer has to list "Was flown over by Vlad Putin" on her resume.

We make the Cupie Doll special ambassador to Iran. During negotiations, Sarah starts things off with, "Mr. Ahmadinejab, before we begin..." [Places large knife on the table.] "...are you a hunter? Because I can kill and dress a full-grown Alaskan moose in ten seconds with this thing. Hey, you're smaller than a moose. Hmm... Oh, well, let's talk Isreal. What was your problem again?"

Palin gets to help out, Iran backs down, and Obama gets some bipartisan cred to boot.

And if all else fails, there's still the idea of Hillary eating a bear's still-beating heart.

(Bill would probably be involved. "Honey, we could, like, totally eat that grizzly?" "Bill, did you just inhale?" "Uh... Yeah?" "Gimme a toke, then turn on the camcorder. That grizzlie's going down. Then I'm going after Kim."

Dana King said...

Canadians are badasses in their own way (hockey comes to mind), but they are also renowned for their politeness. Notice how the article made mention of her using a tissue to wipe the bolld from her fingers, instead of licking it off. She also used the proper knife to cut it out and eat it.

There's a lot more going on here than meets the eye.

Rabid Fox said...

All I know as a Canuck is that our Governor General is infinitely more bad-ass now than Dick Cheney could ever hope to be. Flightless quail? Please ... try gutting a seal, Dickie.

RAH said...

It's a common custom in the North to allow guests to eat the heart. It's not considered savage anymore than the Inuit people are savages. It is ceremonial and is linked to their movement from a Shamanistic society to a Christian one today. In point of fact it is the apotheosis of the act which renders it entirely civilized.