Friday, January 27, 2012

My Open Letter to President Obama

Dear Mr. President:  
I saw a news story today about a little argument you apparently had with Governor Jan Brewer of Arizona. Apparently, you were unhappy with the way she described a meeting she'd had with you a while back. At the time, she'd said the meeting was "cordial," but in the book she said you were "patronizing" and "condescending." She apparently got a little heated up about it, and ended up shaking her finger in your face after which one of you stalked away, it wasn't clear which.  
Now, Mr. President, I've always been a big supporter of yours. I haven't always agreed with you on some things, like Libya,  the public option, and the detention provisions of the NDAA,  but I agree with you on a lot more than I disagree. And even if we were discussing things I disagree with you about, I would never dream of being disrespectful or shaking my finger in your face. At least not normally.  
But here's the thing. I also read that, after the finger-shaking incident, Governor Brewer's book " “Scorpions for Breakfast: My Fight Against Special Interests, Liberal Media, and Cynical Politicos to Secure the Border,’’ went from 285,568 on the Amazon sales list to 20.
20! That's the biggest one day jump in Amazon's history. Which leaves me with a bit of a conundrum.  
As you may or may not know, I'm a published author in addition to being a lawyer and newspaper columnist. (If you weren't aware of this, just call up the guys downstairs and have them bring you my Homeland Security file. After all the stuff I said about the guy who was President before you, I'm 99% sure I have one).
The books have done okay. I've gotten some great reviews and letters from fans, and the respect of some of my fellow writers. That means the world to me. But, sadly, none of them have cracked the top 20,  at least so far.
I think you can see where I'm going with this.  
See, I've always been one of those people who thinks outside the box. When something controversial occurs, and other people are saying "this is terrible, how could such a thing happen?" I'm thinking "how can I get me some of this?"
Like I said, I have nothing but respect for you. But could you do me a solid? I know you're probably going to be in North Carolina a lot in the coming months, what with it being a battleground state and all. One of those times, could I maybe come by and be a jerk to you? It wouldn't take too long, maybe a couple of minutes.
I'm not talking about any kind of threat or anything, because I don't want to get my butt kicked by the Secret Service or get indefinitely detained. But maybe I could make fun of your tie or tell you I don't like Al Green or something. A little sneer, a little finger shake, I'd flounce off, and we'd be done.
If I could do that, and if we could make sure that there are cameras there, I'll bet my sales would go through the roof. I might get invited on Jon Stewart or Conan or even--dare I say it out loud?-- Craig Ferguson. Like I say, I wouldn't normally even dream of asking something like this, but it's always been a dream of mine to leave the day job behind and write full time, and this may just be my ticket.
The books, by the way, are The Devil's Right Hand; Good Day In Hell; Safe and Sound; Breaking Cover; Storm Surge; Lawyers Guns & Money; and the new one, Gallows Pole. All are available in Kindle and Nook formats. I think we can both agree that those are much snappier titles than “Scorpions for Breakfast: My Fight Blah Blah Blah." They also make great reading on airplanes. Just saying.
Thanks, Mr. President. You're the best.
Your fan,
J.D. "Dusty" Rhoades


Spanish Inquisitor said...

You know, if you tweaked this letter a little bit, maybe make the tone a little more threatening, throw around a few words like "guns" and "assassination", and "cotton-pickin", and I'll bet the media might pick up on it. Leave the book references in and I'm sure your Amazon rank will shoot up significantly.

You wouldn't even need a picture.

JD Rhoades said...

Maybe some crosshairs?

B.R. Stateham said...

You sly ole dog . . . I wish I had thought of that first. (grinning)

Pat Mullan said...


Brilliant! You are the bite of satire, something sadly lacking in slapstick USA. Read my report on Obama's visit to Ireland, his ancestral homeland (nobody stuck their finger in his face).

Slan, Pat.