Sunday, December 09, 2012

Letters From Santa's Mailbag

Latest Newspaper Column:

Once again, we bring you another beloved holiday tradition: selections from Santa's mailbag.
Dear Santa: OK, so I went on Fox News predicting a 325-electoral-vote Romney landslide. And yeah, I did it over and over, with complete confidence. As you probably heard, that didn't exactly pan out. But is it fair that the TV network that's more of a home to me than my own living room says that they're going to stop having me on? I mean, Bill Kristol's wrong all the time too, and he gets his phone calls returned.
I  need work, Santa, and fast. The hookers say they're going to start charging me double if I'm not on TV.
- Dick Morris, somewhere in hiding
(Note to staff: Send Dick a copy of "Polling For Dummies.")
Dear Santa: I have to say, I've had a pretty good year. I won the election by a comfortable margin. We kept the Senate and made gains in the House. The Republicans are in disarray and starting to turn on each other.
I've got the upper hand in these budget negotiations, since all I have to do is wait for all the tax cuts to expire, then ask the House to introduce a cut that only includes the middle class and dare the Republicans to vote against it. The economy continues to get better. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm good for this year, and I don't really need anything for myself. Well, maybe some socks.
- Barack Obama, Washington, D.C.
(Note to staff: Get the guy some socks. It's the least we can do.)
Dear Santa, you socialist piece of [censored]: The soulless fools who voted for economic and spiritual suicide this past November may want stuff from you, like support for their obesity booze cellphones birth control abortions. But let me tell you something, you commie pinko [censored]!
I'm a free American, and I don't want any [censored] handouts from anyone, especially some [censored] who dresses up in red and sneaks into people's houses at night. So stay the [censored] away from my house, you got that, fatso? I mean it. I've got guns. Lots of them.
- Ted Nugent, Michigan
(Note to staff: Goodness. This is one angry fellow. Can we maybe bring him some nice warm milk or some meds or something to calm him down?)
(Note to Santa: No can do, boss. The reindeer refuse to go near his place after Dasher nearly took a crossbow bolt in the haunch.)
Dearest Father Christmas: Warm regards from her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Cambridge. I trust you have been made aware of the recent good news regarding Her Royal Highness' delicate condition.
Her only wishes for this Christmas season are that the people of the British Isles enjoy greater peace and prosperity, and that, if possible, you could provide something to ensure she is not, as I believe the Americans put it, blowing chunks every 10 minutes. With best wishes for the holidays and for the New Year, I am, very truly yours,
- Percy Uppington-Smythe, Personal Assistant.
(Note to staff: Poor kid. Hard enough being pregnant and sick, but I can't imagine having to deal with those ghastly in-laws of hers. Send her a keg of ginger ale to settle her stomach.)
Dear Santa: Who is this guy in the White House? We'd gotten used to a president who started his negotiating from the center-right and just kept giving us what we wanted so we could demand more.
This guy, this so-called "second-term" Obama, acts like he's actually got a backbone. He's demanding that we agree to the things he ran on and that people voted for! You'd think he'd won the election or something! We want the old, pliable, easily bullied Barack Obama back! If we don't get it, I might start crying again. I'm warning you.
-John Boehner, Washington, D.C.
(Note to staff: Sorry, looks like that model's been discontinued.)
Dear Santa: Please bring me a new iPad. And an Xbox360. And a Play Station3. And a Wii. And a bunch of movies, books and games, all rated "G" or "PG". And hurry. Mitt Romney, La Jolla, Calif.
(Note to staff: Looks like someone suddenly has a lot of time on his hands.)
(Note from staff: Good thing he doesn't drink, huh?)
(Note to staff: I don't even want to think about it.)
Hope you all get what you want under your tree.


Kelly Robinson said...

Ha! A real hoot. The Nuge has better spelling than I would have imagined.

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to have all of you rich authors start paying more in taxes. More food stamps, we can say on unemployment longer, get another Obama phone, watch ESPN all day on my free cable in my cozy warm free apartment,Thanks and keep typing out those novels because we don't like to work.

Randy Johnson said...

Liked the Nuge letter. I liked his music in my younger days, but man his politics suck.

JTG in Detroit said...

66.1 Million people in the US are on our Welfare programs and 21.2 Million have government jobs. That's 87.3 Million people that are dependent on money from the private sector. There are only 109.3 Million people working in the private sector. The math will never work, 109 million can never support themselves and 87.3 million people at this pace. It will eventually collapse. The answer is to decrease government and grow the private sector. We can not afford to continue to grow our government.

Celine said...

I will bet any reasonable sum that Anonymous' "cozy warm apartment" with "free cable" and food paid for by the government is a prison cell. That's where a lot of these trolls come from, and why they have so much time on their hands.

JTG in Detroit said...

Celine: If you don't believe that there are thousands of people out there collecting these benefits and have the ability to work and be self-efficient, then you are either delusional or watching too much of MSNBC's Rachel Maddow.

JD Rhoades said...

Why do these idiots assume that everyone who doesn't buy into their "everyone's trying to mooch off me" worldview watches Rachel Maddow all the time? I get this already-worn-out cliche from one wingnut or another at least once a week. It really is a weird obsession they have with her.

For the record, I don't watch her show. I suspect that these people for whom she's become some sort of totem of liberalism don't watch it either.

Celine said...

JTG: Hit a little too close to home, did I?