Sunday, December 29, 2013
The Pilot Newspaper: Opinion
Other columns and stories look back on the year just past, but your Humble Columnist prefers to look ahead and away from a year that, quite frankly, has passed about as pleasantly for him as a golf-ball-sized kidney stone.
So, once again, our annual year in PREview:
JANUARY: The opening of the new congressional session is delayed when Sen. Ted Cruz vows to stand in a front entrance to the Capitol and sing the children’s folk song “Froggy Went A-Courtin’” until Obamacare is repealed.
The tactic is foiled when, after a six-hour standoff, the legislators recall that there’s a back entrance.
FEBRUARY: Tea party congressmen threaten to block any increase in the debt ceiling until President Obama agrees to step down, plead guilty to four counts of first degree murder in the Benghazi attacks, retroactively veto the Affordable Care Act, and admit to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby, but not before issuing an executive order to give that “Duck Dynasty” guy his job back.
“Why won’t this Kenyan Socialist Marxist Fascist Chicago thug ever agree to negotiate with us?” demands North Carolina Rep. Virginia Foxx when the president refuses to consider the demands.
MARCH: Republican legislators in Tennessee introduce legislation to legalize beating food stamp recipients with sticks.
“We just feel that not allowing people to physically assault the poor just perpetuates a culture of dependency,” explains state GOP Chairman Clem Flenders. “What incentive will people have to even look for work if they’re not in constant fear of injury?”
APRIL: Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly is forced to take a leave of absence after an on-air meltdown during which she begins screaming at guest Juan Williams about the race of the Easter Bunny. “He’s a WHITE rabbit!” Kelly raves. “WHITE, do you hear!?”
She then begins rocking back and forth, hugging herself and softly crooning “Here Comes Peter Cottontail” until gently led offstage by Williams.
MAY: NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden drops another bombshell when he reveals a program run by the secretive agency that collects intimate data on millions of Americans, including such highly personal details as how much alcohol they’ve had to drink over a 24-hour period, pictures of what they had for dinner, the names and ages of household pets, and even their moods.
The bombshell fizzles when it’s revealed that the “program” is just NSA employees surfing Facebook when they were supposed to be working.
JUNE: A major breakthrough occurs in relations between the U.S. and North Korea as baby-faced lunatic dictator Kim Jong-un offers to give up nuclear weapons and initiate major political and economic reforms so long as we never, ever let Dennis Rodman travel to North Korea again.
“We thought he was interesting at first,” Kim says through a translator, “but MAN, that dude gets annoying after a while.”
JULY: After rehearsals for the MTV Video Music Awards, teen pop idol Miley Cyrus is rushed to the emergency room when she sprains her tongue by sticking it out so far she becomes unable to put it back into her mouth. Cyrus later tweets to her followers that “Mama always said if I made faces it’d stick like that. Never thought it actually would. #blurredmind”
AUGUST: Half-term Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin uses her Facebook page to complain that a “Godless left-wing conspiracy” is behind the fact that someone responded to one of her sneezes by saying “bless you” rather than “God bless you.” Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck and Mike Huckabee all take up the cause in what comes to be known as the “Remember Jesus After Your Sneezes” campaign.
SEPTEMBER: A notable TV personality gets suspended or fired for saying something egregiously racist or homophobic. Right-wingers propose an amendment making it a fundamental constitutional right for a conservative — but only a conservative — to have a TV or radio show.
OCTOBER: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford wins “Best Costume” at the city’s annual Halloween party when he shows up as a sober person and no one recognizes him.
NOVEMBER: A midterm election is held. All those who lose claim they lost because of voter fraud. Or voter suppression. Or something other than their flawed message or lousy campaign.
DECEMBER: Christmas comes around again. And once again, I don’t get a pony.
Happy New Year, folks!