Monday, September 07, 2015
A Constitutional Inconvenience?
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Jindal's Last Stand; Fighting to the Last Drop of Someone Else's Blood

Latest Newspaper Column:
Well, the economic stimulus has passed, despite the loud opposition of prominent Republicans. But they're not giving up.
In fact, it seems that some Republican governors like Louisiana's Bobby Jindal are making noises about actually turning down the money coming from the government.
According to the online journal Human Events, which styles itself "the Headquarters of the Conservative Underground" (no, really, and I think they're serious): "State governors -- looking down the gun barrel of long-term spending forced on them by the Obama 'stimulus' plan -- are saying they will refuse to take the money. This is a constitutional confrontation between the federal government and the states unlike any in our time."
Wow! When you put it that way, it sounds pretty epic. I mean, it's almost like that film "300":
VOICEOVER: A messenger came to my governor one day. An emissary from Obama, whom some called a god-king.
MESSENGER: Oh, hi, Governor. My name is Elmer Hadley, and I'm from Washington. I'm here to deliver your stimulus check?
JINDAL: Choose your next words carefully, Washingtonian. They may be your last!
MESSENGER: What? Oh. Ha-ha! What a kidder. Funniest darn thing. We mailed the stimulus check and some guy sent it back all torn up. So President Obama thought he'd have me bring it personally.
JINDAL: Take this message back to your master, Washingtonian!
MESSENGER: Message, Governor? I'd be glad to, but I could just give you the e-mail address for the president's BlackBerry. ... Hey, are you guys going to a costume party or something? What's with all the capes and leather underwear? And are those real spears?
JINDAL: Tell him this! Let all America and all the world know that brave men stood this day against tyranny!
MESSENGER Tyranny? Um, sir, are you feeling OK? This is money to help prop up your unemployment insurance program, build roads, put people back to work! Refusing it would be ... well, it would be madness!
JINDAL: Madness!? THIS ... IS ... LOUISIANA! (KICKS MESSENGER DOWN THE STAIRS)
MESSENGER: Hey! Ow! That hurt!
VOICEOVER: And so it was, my governor and 300 loyal political advisers marched from Baton Rouge and assembled at the border, to face the combined might of Obama's forces. They were joined by some citizens from the state's other cities...
CITIZEN 1: Hey, Governor? Some of the fellows wanted me to talk to you about turnin' down this stimulus money.
JINDAL: Speak, then, citizen.
CITIZEN 1: Well, we were wonderin' if this is such a good idea, what with the economy bein' in the dumper an' all. I mean, we all voted for you. We're all Republicans.
JINDAL (pointing at a man in the crowd behind): You there! What is your profession?
CITIZEN 2: I drive an asphalt truck.
JINDAL (pointing at another): And you! What do you do?
CITIZEN 3: I'm a bricklayer.
JINDAL, turning back to his advisers: Advisers! What is your profession!?
ADVISERS, waving "Jindal/Palin 2012" banners: AAA-OOH! AAA-OOH! AAA-OOOH!
JINDAL: See, citizen, I have more good Republicans than you.
CITIZEN 1: What?
VOICEOVER: My governor stood firm and waited for the onslaught of the tyrant. Would he bring archers who would wrap stimulus money around arrows and fire them into Louisiana? Catapults to throw it into the state over the heads of the men? They waited ... and waited ... and waited. ...
ADVISER: Governor, it's been weeks. Maybe they aren't coming.
JINDAL: Nonsense! It's obviously some trick by the tyrant. They're waiting for us to lower our guard, and then when we least expect it, we'll wake up to find ourselves solvent. Tell the men to stand firm.
ADVISER: Yeah, about that ...
JINDAL: Wait, where are my troops?
ADVISER: Most of them packed up and moved to California. Said something about jobs there.
JINDAL: Treasonous dogs!
ADVISER: Hey, look at the bright side. You reduced your unemployment rate!
JINDAL: That's right!
ADVISER: Of course, that’s ‘cause they all moved where jobs were…
JINDAL: Don't trouble me with details! I'm a genius!
ADVISER: Yes, sir. Oh, I have a letter for you. It's from Governor Schwarzenegger.
JINDAL: Read it to me!
ADVISER: "Dear Bobby. Thanks for the extra cash. We sure could use it. P.S. I still look better in a leather loincloth than you, you little girly-man."
JINDAL: Curses!
Seriously, though. I'm sure the people of Louisiana will appreciate that not getting stimulus money will be better for them, or that it won't really work, or whatever this week's justification is.
This is an ideological battle, after all, and some of Louisiana's citizens are just going to have to keep suffering like good conscript soldiers for the Right, and to burnish Gov. Jindal's political reputation.
But I'm sure that last part's just a coincidence.