Different Bush, Same Mistakes

The Pilot Newspaper: Opinion

Recently, the man they call JEB! faced off against a 19-year-old college student. It didn’t go well for him.

Former Gov. Jeb Bush was at a town hall meeting in Nevada the other day when he was confronted by political science major Ivy Ziedrich, of the University of Nevada at Reno. Ms. Ziedrich reacted to a statement from JEB! claiming that ISIS was created by Barack Obama “retreating” from Iraq.

“We had an agreement that the president could have signed,” Bush had stated, “that would have kept 10,000 troops, less than we have in Korea, that could have created the stability that would have allowed for Iraq to progress.”

Actually, Ms. Ziedrich argued, the problem goes back farther, to the time when the American-led Coalition Provisional Authority decided to disband the Iraqi military, a time “when 30,000 individuals who were part of the Iraqi military were forced out — they had no employment, they had no income, and they were left with access to all of the same arms and weapons.”

She wound up by concluding, “Your brother created ISIS.”

It was a scene reminiscent of the time Joe the Plumber, the belligerent bullet-headed dude-bro from Ohio, became a hero to the rubes and ignoramii by getting in candidate Barack Obama’s face and claiming Obama’s policies would make his taxes go up. The difference between Ivy Zierdich and Joe the Plumber is that Ziedrich actually knows what she’s talking about.

Disbanding the Iraqi forces and leaving thousands of armed and angry young men with nothing to do but form insurgent groups is now regarded by most historians as the second biggest blunder of Dubbya’s Wacky Iraqi Adventure (the first being starting the bloody thing in the first place).

The most compelling evidence that that decision led to disaster is that no one, including Dubbya himself, will now admit to being the one who made it. Colin Powell, who said it was a mistake, denied ever being consulted, as did Gen. Peter Pace, former head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Condoleezza Rice claims it was a complete surprise. Dubbya told biographer Robert Draper, “The policy was to keep the army intact; didn’t happen,” adding, “I can’t remember; I’m sure I said, ‘This is the policy. What happened?’”

Stirring leadership, that.

So how did this become an issue now? Probably as a result of JEB!’s first, but almost certainly not last, gaffe of his campaign-that-is-not-yet-a-campaign-except-everyone-totally-knows-it’s-a-campaign. Asked by Fox News if “knowing what we know now,” would he have decided to go to war with Iraq, JEB! said he would — “and so would Hillary Clinton.”

On this last part, he may be right, even though Clinton at least admits her vote was a mistake.

Sadly, the Fox reporter did not follow up with the obvious questions like, “Would you also have put an entirely unqualified campaign donor in charge of FEMA, and then watched as he massively bungled the relief effort after a major hurricane before telling him he was doing a ‘heckuva job’? Would you have ignored a daily briefing titled ‘Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S.’ 36 days before the late Mr. bin Laden did just that?”

JEB! later began furiously backpedaling, claiming he thought the question was “knowing what we knew THEN, would you have gone into Iraq?” Only problem with that defense is that those of us who knew what we knew THEN thought it was a terrible idea. And guess what? We were right.

Finally, JEB! threw in the towel, sulkily declaring that “knowing what we know now, I would not have engaged. I would not have gone into Iraq.” In other words, JEB! was retroactively for war in Iraq before he was retroactively against it. There’s that Bush leadership again.

Oh, and as for that claim that we had an “agreement that would have kept 10,000 troops in Iraq”? Politifact rates that as “mostly false,” adding:

“Obama inherited a timeline to exit Iraq from George W. Bush and followed it, but there was no agreement to leave a large force behind. The Obama White House considered 10,000 troops for a short time but ruled it out, suggesting a much smaller force. Negotiations with Iraq broke down, however, and there was no agreement that met conditions Washington wanted.”

Those conditions included immunity for American troops from prosecution in Iraqi courts.

So let’s review: JEB! said he’d make the same mistake his brother did, then said he wouldn’t, then lied to try to shift the blame for the current disastrous aftermath of the Iraq War away from the president who started it in the first place.

Doggone these liberals! When are they going to stop blaming George Dubbya Bush for the things he actually did?

The First Clown Out of the Car

The Pilot Newspaper: Opinion

It has begun. And I couldn’t be happier.

By “it,” I mean the Republican primary season, which got a surprise start this past Monday when Toddler-Terrifyin’ Ted Cruz followed up his epic speech in which he yelled at a 3-year-old that “your whole world is on fire!” in the only way possible: by forgoing the usual “exploratory committee” fundraising dance and announcing that he’s running for the presidency.

Why does this make me so happy? Because when you write the type of columns that I write, you greet the first announcement of a Republican candidacy with the same glee a circus-loving child feels when the first clown dances and struts his way into the center ring, only to be sprayed with water and knocked on his keister by a big-shoed, red-nosed rival. You just know there’s going to be a hilarious multi-clown free-for-all and big belly laughs ahead.

The first hand holding the metaphorical seltzer bottle directed at Sen. Cruz belonged to the only man in the field of prospective candidates who’s nuttier than Cruz himself, by which I mean the Bellowing Baron of Birtherism his own bad self, Mr. Donald Trump.

Trump, in a phone interview with MyFox New York, used the classic dodge of “I’m not making accusations, I’m just wondering” to try to cast doubt on Cruz’s eligibility to run: “He was born in Canada. If you know, and when we all studied our history lessons, you are supposed to be born in this country, so I just don’t know how the courts will rule on this.”

He also accused Cruz of stealing his lines.

“The line of ‘Make America great again,’ the phrase — that was mine. I came up with it about a year ago,” Trump said, “and I kept using it, and everybody’s now using it. … Maybe I should copyright it. Maybe I have copyrighted it.”

I have certainly enjoyed a major chuckle watching the zombified corpse of birtherism raised from the Earth by a Republican and sicced on one of his own kind. And I look forward to the day when everyone who uses the phrase “make America great again” gets a “cease and desist” letter from The Donald’s lawyers.

That’s what made this country great in the first place, after all: the monetization of patriotic sentiment. Which reminds me: I need to beef up my investments in companies that make flag pins. Never mind that they’re all in China now. But I digress.

Meanwhile, in another ring of the circus, the JEB! Bush campaign slipped on its first banana peel as former Secretary of State James Baker, who’s been an adviser to JEB! on foreign policy matters, had the temerity to criticize the right’s latest poster boy, Our Friend Bibi.

Baker, who was secretary of state for JEB!’s daddy, called OFB’s recent moves “diplomatic missteps and political gamesmanship” at an event for the liberal Jewish organization J Street. Predictably, this did not sit well with the people who love America so much that they’d rather see a foreigner like Netanyahu or even Vladimir Putin in charge of it.

“Bush can’t let Baker’s appearance at the J Street event go unremarked upon,” wrote Jonathan S. Tobin in Commentary magazine. “He must either explicitly distance himself from Baker’s appearance and from J Street’s support for Obama’s threats against Israel, or ask Baker to formally disassociate himself from his presidential effort.”

Other critics of Baker’s words included Bill Kristol of the Weekly Standard — who, as we all know from reading our history, is always, always wrong.

“OK, OK,” the JEB! campaign said, and tried to do what the Israel hawks asked. They sent a mass email stating that JEB! “disagrees with the sentiments he [Baker] expressed last night and opposes J Street’s advocacy. Governor Bush’s support for Israel and Prime Minister Netanyahu is unwavering.”

Not good enough, the Israel hawks cried.

“Bush’s statements remain generic, and his demeanor does not convey passion,” groused Jennifer Rubin of The Washington Post’s “Right Turn” column. Apparently, nothing will satisfy the Pro-Israel Purity Police until JEB! hauls the elderly Baker up to the podium, gives him a vicious forehand-backhand slap and screams at him to “shut his filthy mouth” about OFB.

I tell you, folks, watching these people whack away at one another for the next few months is going to provide hours of the finest slapstick entertainment, not to mention fodder for a couple of dozen columns at least. The only way I could be happier is if Sarah Palin threw her hat back in the ring. … But no. That would be too much to hope for.

Stay tuned, and pass the popcorn. The debates are going to be epic.

Here Comes JEB!

The Pilot Newspaper: Opinion

Recently, former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush (or JEB! as his campaigns have referred to him) announced that he would form a “Leadership PAC” in January to “actively explore the possibility” of running for president.

After the announcement of the Leadership PAC, JEB! also announced that he was resigning from every private and nonprofit board of directors he sits on, according to stories in Politico and The Washington Monthly. Severing himself from all those corporate ties (which took effect on the last day of 2014) gives him a chance to characterize any slimy or damaging corporate connections as “long in the past” by 2016.

This may seem a curious attitude from the party who will be trying frantically to hang the 1990s-era indiscretions of Bill Clinton around his wife’s neck, but then, no one demands consistency from Republicans. Certainly not the national media.

In politician-speak, all of this means: “I’m totally running, but to announce this early would seem crass.” After all, the last thing someone running for the most powerful job in the Free World wants to appear is ambitious.

While I’ll probably never agree with JEB! on a lot of issues, I’ll give him credit for being at least reasonable on things like immigration reform and Common Core. He’s also miles ahead of many members of this party on the environment, according to statements I’ve read from both Democrats and Republicans from Florida. In fact, JEB! Is now a candidate for my small list of sane Republicans.

That’s going to be a problem for him.

See, there are two things that really grind the gears of the far right: (1) any proposal for immigration reform more realistic than “put a giant electric fence on the border and ship every single illegal immigrant home tomorrow, including the toddlers”; and (2) Common Core, a system of national education standards that they don’t really know anything about, but which Fox News has assured them is the thin end of the wedge for Islamofascistcommiesocialism.

JEB!, however, has stated that illegal immigrants “broke the law, but it’s not a felony. It’s an act of love.” Oh, the heresy! He went on to say, “It shouldn’t rile people up that people are actually coming to this country to provide for their families.”

This is guaranteed not to sit well for those for whom “riled up” is their default state, especially when it comes to Those People.

As for Common Core, it’s been decried by other Republicans such as Jim DeMint, former senator and Heritage Foundation president, who says the standards “substitute an unaccountable federal bureaucracy for state, local and parental decision-making in education.” It has also been condemned by presidential hopefuls Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Rick Perry and Rick Santorum. But JEB! has vowed to keep pushing it, calling the standards “good for the country.”

So by 2016, JEB! will have two choices. He can stick to his guns on immigration reform and Common Core and lose primary after primary to one or the other of the jokers who’ll keep popping out of the Republican Clown Car to be the front-runner for 15 minutes before imploding in a cloud of racism, misogyny, or bat-spit craziness. Or he can pull a Romney and try to run from things he once championed, to convince the raging right he’s one of them, and then lose the general because neither side trusts him.

So far, JEB! has shown an admirable tendency to take the first option. He’s even said he’s willing “to lose the primary in order to win the general.” How he hopes to win the general election without getting enough primary and caucus votes to get the nomination has not, however, been disclosed by his campaign. It’s probably some kind of top secret “strategery.”

Or possibly, the wingnuts will be able to choke back their bile over immigration and Common Core and embrace JEB! as the one most likely to beat Hillary Clinton. After all, as governor of Florida, he did do some things they love. He cut taxes, of course. He signed the Stand Your Ground law, which effectively legalized the killing of young black men if you could convince a jury you were scared enough of their hoodies and Mighty Black Fists of Doom. He ended affirmative action in state college admissions.

The Teahadists love that sort of thing and, if they can find it in their hearts to compromise, just a leeetle bit, on a couple of issues …

Wait. What I’m I saying? They’ll never do that. JEB! is toast.

2015: The Year In Preview

The Pilot Newspaper: Opinion

Once again, we look into our slightly cracked crystal ball for our annual tradition of fearless predictions for the year to come. Without further ado, we bring you 2015 in preview:

JANUARY: Sony finally allows the wide release of the Seth Rogen/James Franco film “The Interview.” North Korea immediately issues a public statement: “We threatened the U.S. over THIS piece of crap? Man, do we feel stupid. This is more embarrassing than the time we invited Dennis Rodman to dinner because we thought he was LeBron James. Face it, as a government, we’re just not that bright.”

FEBRUARY: Following the lead of the right wing’s insistence on calling torture “enhanced interrogation,” the Mafia announces that it has hired a PR agency to rebrand “armed robbery” as “enhanced wealth acquisition.” Not to be outdone, the National Football League announces that its new behavior policy reframes “domestic abuse” as “enhanced spousal negotiation.”

MARCH: North Korea unleashes its long-dreaded retaliation for the Sony film “The Interview” in the form of a 90-minute feature film called “Obama Is a Big Doo-Doo Head.” At the film’s premiere in Pyongyang, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus and Sen. Ted Cruz appear as guests of the North Korean government, but strongly deny serving as technical advisers on the picture.

APRIL: A new hacking scandal erupts when a group calling itself “The Sons of the Big Easy” breaks into CBS’s computer network and releases thousands of embarrassing emails and digital copies of unreleased shows. The group claims that the attack is retribution for Scott Bakula’s awful attempt at a Louisiana accent in “NCIS: New Orleans.”

MAY: Russian President Vladimir Putin announces that he’s formed an “exploratory committee” to consider a run for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. “Republicans say nice things about me,” Putin says. “Rudy Giuliani is talking about how I ‘make decision and execute quickly,’ and Sarah Palin likes the idea of me ‘wrestling bears.’ They want leadership? Putin give them a bellyful of it.”

JUNE: Republican lawmakers, who hold a majority in the House and Senate, announce a major policy initiative. “We’ve decided to change our practice of not doing anything and blaming it all on President Obama,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tells “Meet the Press.” “After the summer break, we’re going to start doing nothing and blaming it all on Hillary Clinton.”

JULY: Christmas decorations and promotions appear in stores, as Christmas-themed commercials begin running on TV. Everyone complains, but they buy the stuff anyway.

AUGUST: First lady Michelle Obama rolls out a new campaign to promote the eating of junk food. “Candy, sugary sodas, Twinkies three times a day, and lots of Mickey D’s,” the First Lady says. “That’s the secret to a healthy, happy life.” Congressional Republicans and Fox News immediately go on an outraged crusade against the movement, which they call “yet another attempt by the Imperial Obama Presidency to control every aspect of our lives.” Fox begins promoting salads, low-fat foods, and drinking lots of water, while the Republican caucus gives up sugar, white bread and potatoes. Waistlines shrink across the nation, and obesity-related illnesses take a prodigious drop. “I don’t know why it took me so long to figure this out,” the first lady says.

SEPTEMBER: Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush formally announces his candidacy for the Republican Presidential nomination. Bush vows not to back down on his support for immigration reform and the federal Common Core standards, even though those issues are unpopular with conservatives. “I’m willing to lose the primary to win the general,” a defiant Bush says, repeating earlier statement he made to the online magazine Politico.

OCTOBER: The Jeb Bush campaign issues a retraction of his “willing to lose the primary to win the general” promise when someone explains to him how the primary system works.

NOVEMBER: Texas Sen. Ted Cruz attempts to stop President Obama from pardoning the White House turkey by going to the Senate floor for a marathon reading of the children’s book “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell asks the office of senate legal counsel for an opinion on whether the Senate can involuntarily commit one of its own members.

DECEMBER: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat all experience a massive decline in users after Santa announces he’s going to start using social media to help compile the “naughty” and “nice” lists. A young woman identified only as “@SexyAllie 999” explains to The New York Times why she deleted her Snapchat account: “Like, I don’t know if sending some random guy a picture of my, y’know, breasts is, like, something that will get me on, like, the naughty list? But, I mean, I’m not, y’know, taking any chances.”

As we like to say at this season (with a hat tip to poet Ogden Nash): Duck! Here comes another year!