SWORS: A Deadly Epidemic Returns

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An epidemic is sweeping America. It has visited us before, but this January it’s come early and this strain appears to be particularly virulent, even dangerous. 

Oh, you thought I meant the flu? Well, yeah, that’s bad too, but what I’m talking about here is another outbreak of SWORS: Spasmodic Wingnut Outrage Syndrome. 

As you regular readers know, SWORS is a disease of the central nervous system particularly prevalent among members of the American right wing. SWORS sufferers experience a significant degradation in upper level brain function, leading to a near-total loss of any sense of proportion. They become prone to manic outbursts of indignation and rage over trivial or even imaginary events.

The latest outbreak can be traced to a remark made by Vice President Joe Biden while speaking about the plan he was working on to curb gun violence in the wake of the horrific school shootings in Newtown Connecticut. Part of the plan, Biden said, might include “executive orders” by the President, actions taken under the power of his office that didn’t need to be voted on by Congress. 

Now, anyone who knows anything about this country’s Constitutional separation of powers would realize that what can be done purely by executive order is limited, and certainly do not include a blanket ban on semi-automatic weapons or high capacity magazines. You can at least rest assured that Barack Obama, a former Constitutional Law professor, knows this. This did not stop SWORS sufferers from immediately concluding that “the plan might include executive orders” meant that Biden was actually saying “OBAMA’S GONNA TAKE ALL YOUR GUNS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!”

Reaction followed the classic pattern of SWORS, including overly dramatic public statements of irrationally disproportionate anger. Washed up rocker and gun advocate Ted Nugent claimed gun owners were going to be “the new Rosa Parks.” Tennessee resident James Yeager, CEO of a company that trains people in “tactical skills” and who has an online shop selling “tactical” equipment, put up a YouTube video in which he stared into the camera with what I suppose was supposed to be a look of fierce determination but actually more closely resembled psychotic rage. 

“I’m not [bad word] putting up with this,” Yeager snapped during a profanity-laced tirade. “I’m not letting my country be ruled by a dictator. I’m not letting anybody take my guns! If it goes one inch further, I’m going to start killing people.” The state of Tennessee promptly suspended Yeager’s gun permit. Hint: when you go on YouTube loudly announcing that you plan to start killing people, don’t get all surprised if the state acts like you might be serious. 

Yeager later apologized. According to the Huffington Post, he stated "It's not time to shoot anybody," while sitting next to a lawyer (who no doubt, wished fervently that Yeager had come to him before openly making terrorist threats on the Internet).

When the proposed plan was revealed on Wednesday, the “executive order” provisions had nothing on confiscation or banning of any guns. They promised that the Executive Branch would, among other things, “nominate an ATF Director"; “develop model emergency response plans for schools, houses of worship and institutions of higher education," and "issue a Presidential Memorandum to require federal law enforcement to trace guns recovered in criminal investigations." Any  limitations on types of weapons or high capacity magazines would be left to the Congress, although the President did call upon the Congress to enact those, which given the makeup of the current Congress, is a pretty long shot, so to speak.  Expansion of the background check requirement to include gun shows stands a better chance, but the President still left that up to Congress, while issuing executive orders that would make information more readily available for those. 

 Hardly the sort of stuff to send the citizenry to the barricades. Sadly, however, another symptom of SWORS is the inability to hear what someone has actually said. Instead, the SWORS victim reacts to a voice which apparently only they can hear. Republican representative Tim Huelskamp of Kansas, for example, demanded that the Obama Administration “enforce current laws,” apparently not noticing that some of the executive orders called for just that: they require  that the government “maximize enforcement efforts to prevent gun violence and prosecute gun crime” and “require federal law enforcement to trace guns recovered in criminal investigations.” RNC Chairman Reince Preibus called the plan an “executive power grab,”  while failing to specify a single one of the executive orders that does not fall squarely within the President’s Executive authority. 

Sadly, there is no known cure for SWORS, since it renders its victims incapable of logic or persuasion. Even more sadly, it’s not just the infected person who suffers. It’s all of us. 

Andrew Breitbart Has Died

The right wing blogger was reported dead of natural causes at age 43.

There's a lot that could be said about the death of Andrew Breitbart. But let's not think about his death. Let us remember him as he lived:



And then there's this touching moment.

and of course, this set of Tweets after the death of Ted Kennedy: 


Over the course of the next three hours, Breitbart unapologetically attacked Kennedy, calling him a “villain,” “a big ass motherf@#$er,” a “duplicitous bastard” and a “prick.” “I’ll shut my mouth for Carter. That’s just politics. Kennedy was a special pile of human excrement,” wrote Breitbart in one tweet.


Let us remember the life of Andrew Breitbart. 

Jesus, Man, Buy the DVD and Get Over It

Arlington mayor fires at Obama online:

In the opinion of Arlington Mayor Russell Wiseman, President Barack Obama's speech on Tuesday night on the war in Afghanistan was deliberately timed to block the Christian message of the "Peanuts" television Christmas special.

Wiseman made the statements on his Facebook page, where he declared Obama to be a Muslim. Only people on Wiseman's "friend's list" had access to the post. He has more than 1,600 friends on Facebook.

"Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it....w...hen the answer should simply be 'yes'...."

As you know, SWORS (Spasmodic Wingnut Outrage Syndrome) is a disorder of the central nervous system that causes impairment of higher brain function in some American conservatives. Sufferers from SWORS experience a near-total loss of any sense of proportion and become prone to manic outbursts of indignation over trivial events.

I think going ballistic and accusing the President of deliberately scheduling what was arguably the major policy address of this year just to pre-empt Charlie Brown is a sign that SWORS has permanently damaged this guy's brain.

As my friend BCB puts it: Good grief!

Holiday Correctness

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Now that Thanksgiving is done and the shopping frenzy of Black Friday has passed, we are well and truly into the Christmas season.

At this time of loving, giving and maniacal consumption, let's not forget that there are some people for whom this time of year is particularly difficult. I'm speaking, of course, about people who suffer from SWORS: Spasmodic Wingnut Outrage Syndrome.

People with SWORS have it tough during the holiday season. Even the mention of the word "holiday," however innocent, can trigger an attack of SWORS:

NORMAL PERSON: Happy Holidays, Mr. Gundermeyer!

SWORS SUFFERER: You mean "Merry Christmas."

NORMAL PERSON: Oh. Sure.

SWORS SUFFERER: Say it! Say Merry Christmas! SAY IT! SAY IT!

NORMAL PERSON: OK! OK! Merry Christmas! Just don't hit me, please!

Good will toward men, indeed.

Like the shopping season, the SWORS season seems to begin ­earlier every year. This year, the first company to be attacked was that mainstay of the American ­shopping mall, The Gap. The American Family Association, a hotbed of SWORS infection if ever there was one, got cranky about not seeing any mentions of "Christmas" in Gap advertising. Perhaps the fact that it was early November may have had something to do with it, but nevertheless, the AFA called for a boycott.

A few days later, The Gap responded by releasing one of those ads that seems destined to go down as one of the most annoying ever, the kind of ad that makes you dive for the remote and fumble for the "Mute" button. "Go Christmas!" chirps an insanely peppy group of dancing teenagers, dressed, of course, in Gap clothing.

Now, you'd think that mentioning Christmas right up from there would serve to soothe the riled-up nerves of the SWORS-afflicted. A SWORS sufferer, however, looks at every olive branch as if it contains a nest of tarantulas. And in this case, the fact that the group also chants "Go Hanukkah, Go Kwanzaa, go solstice!" seems to have nullified whatever palliative effect was intended. "It seems like a desperate attempt to get every possible demographic to shop in their stores," sniffed The Dallas Republican Examiner.

Now, to the non-SWORS-infected, it would seem obvious that the whole point of having a store would be to get as many people as possible in the door. And most normal people realize that when they hit the stores to do their shopping, they'll be right there alongside "every possible demographic," including Jews, African-Americans and the sort of person who likes to go on and on about "solstice."

One of the tragic things about SWORS, however, is the feeling of deep resentment and bitterness that its victims experience at the very thought that someone may look, feel, or believe differently than they do, coupled with a paranoid certainty that those "other people" are getting more of life's goodies than they are.

While it's certainly easy for a nonsufferer to be annoyed by people with SWORS, it's important to keep in mind that these are people with an illness. They just can't help themselves, and the problem is only made worse by the plethora of high-profile wingnut media figures who, like crack dealers, make themselves fat and rich by feeding other peoples' disease.

It is a shame that SWORS spoils people's appreciation of the things that all people, whatever their beliefs, celebrate during this season. Things like peace, hope, good will, generosity and reflection on what's really important in life.

It seems even more a shame that they have to inflict their lunacy on the rest of us. But in this time of comfort and joy, take a moment to talk to someone who suffers from SWORS. Put your arm around them, look into their angry, troubled eyes, and say those simple words that mean so much at this time of year:

"Lighten the hell up, will ya?"

Happy Holidays to you and yours.

The Great Congressional Phone Flap

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I've written before in this column about a mental disorder which I've dubbed SWORS -- Spasmodic Wingnut Outrage Syndrome.

In case you've forgotten, SWORS is a disorder of the central nervous system that causes impairment of higher brain function in some American conservatives. Sufferers from SWORS experience a near-total loss of any sense of proportion and become prone to manic outbursts of indignation and outright paranoia over the smallest subjects.

Subjects such as the "hold music" on the congressional phone system.

We all know about "hold music": the tunes (usually instrumental) that play incessantly in your ear while you're waiting for the person you called to pick up or, more often, for their secretary to tell you they're out while they finish their game of Solitaire on the company computers.

Hold music varies widely. Some offices play country. Some play classical. Most play the treacly, string-heavy stuff known derisively as "elevator music." Some don't play music at all, but instead run peppy, annoying little ads to tell you how great the company you're calling is, and how important your call is to them, only apparently it's not important enough for a real, breathing, human person to actually, you know, PICK UP THE FLIPPIN' PHONE...

Sorry, I got carried away there for a minute.

For years, it seems, the U.S. Congress' phone system has had "patriotic" music as its hold music. A few days ago, however, the House's chief administrative officer, or CAO, a fellow named Daniel Beard, decided to test a new system whereby various Congress members could choose their music. The CD or tape or whatever that they decided to test the program with was one of "smooth jazz."

I'm no fan of the whole "smooth jazz" genre either, but I don't get all heated up about it when I hear it on the phone. As research has shown, however, nothing is too trivial for a SWORS sufferer not to see it as evidence of a multi-tentacled conspiracy (with, of course, the evil Nancy Pelosi at the controls) to deprive us of our precious freedom or pollute our bodily fluids or sell us all to the Arabs, or something.

The right-wing blog The New Ledger picked up the story first, blaring: "Why Does Nancy Pelosi have a Problem with Patriotic Music?" in big, Omigod-this-is-the-end- of-the-world headlines.

Others, like the conservative flagship blog RedState, followed suit. Republican Rep. Fred Upton (R-Wingnuttistan) wrote an indignant letter to Beard protesting the change. The CAO apparently decided "meh, it's not worth the trouble," and popped the old CD back in.

As usual, the SWORS-afflicted could have controlled the symptoms of the disease by performing an act that used to be standard procedure for journalists, but which now only seems to be practiced by left-leaning bloggers: picking up the phone and asking some questions before you shoot ff your mouth. Which is exactly what blogger Amanda Terkel of the liberal blog Think Progress did.

"The music was changed during recess," Beard's office explained to her, "as a pilot program in an attempt to offer offices a choice of hold music. This had nothing to do with the leadership, not in the beginning or the final outcome."

It does seem rational that the speaker of the House, the person third in the line of presidential succession, would indeed have better things to do than pick the hold music on the phone system. A primary symptom of SWORS, however, is a profound resistance to rational explanations, as well as the belief that those offering them are part of the very evil cabal they're railing against.

By Wednesday, FOX News had picked up the "Nancy Pelosi hates patriotic music" story and its resolution. Morning Host Steve Doocy was beside himself with glee over the victory of the forces of Lee Greenwood and John Phillip Sousa over the encroachment of Kenny G and his Smooth Jazz Legion of Doom.

"America Wins!" he enthused.

Sean Hannity was equally happy, gloating, "Don't mess with our patriotic music!"

Celebrating imaginary victories in imaginary wars: If someone you love does this, he or she may be suffering from SWORS.

Unfortunately, there is no cure, and no help for the afflicted. But you can always do what I do: amuse yourself by making fun of them.

"A Little People, A Silly People..."

They Don't Even Like Obama's Birthday Cake:

A "tacky monstrosity". Would you want to eat that? I guess if you're our President Barack Obama. I suppose we should be thankful his picture isn't on it. But I mean, really. Love him or hate him, George Bush had a real cake for his birthday.

Proof positive that there is no matter, not even a damn birthday cake, that is too small or trivial to trigger an attack of Spasmodic Wingnut Outrage Syndrome.

And are you seriously bringing up Bush in the same sentence as birthday cake after the Katrina debacle, wherein John McCain and George Dubbya were famously photographed yukking it up over McCain's birthday cake while an American city drowned? You want to go there? Really?

The Next Epidemic: A Primer

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Today, friends, I'm here to tell you about a disease that's affecting people every day. It may even be happening to someone you know and love.

I'm talking about Spasmodic Wingnut Outrage Syndrome, or SWORS.

SWORS is a disorder of the central nervous system that causes impairment of higher brain function in some American conservatives. Sufferers from SWORS experience a near-total loss of any sense of proportion and become prone to manic outbursts of indignation over
trivial events.

For example, President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden recently dropped into a Washington burger joint and ordered lunch. Obama ordered his burger with, and I quote, "spicy mustard, Dijon mustard, something like that."

Dijon mustard, it should be noted, is a common item which one can find at the local Walmart. But to someone in the grip of SWORS, even condiments are omens of dark portent. A virulent outbreak ensued when Sean Hannity (who spreads SWORS in much the same way a tick carries Lyme disease) began raving on his show against "President Poupon."

Others were immediately infected, dubbed the visit "Dijon-gate," and demanded to know why MSNBC was "covering up" the president's choice of allegedly elitist mustard. (As a side note, it is not currently known why Democratic politicians' dietary choices are most likely to bring on an attack of SWORS. More research into this is needed.)

Occasionally, long-term sufferers from SWORS begin talking in a sort of private language, a code only they and other people with the disease understand. If a conservative is prone to randomly dropping cryptic references to ACORN, arugula, or presidential birth certificates into political conversations that have nothing to do with these topics, they may be suffering from SWORS.

Other symptoms can include mass-forwarding of angry and poorly researched e-mails, writing incoherent letters to the editor, or hosting national television or radio talk shows, particularly on the FOX News channel.

People who have SWORS are prone to embarrassing public gaffes. Right-wing blogger Andrew "Big Hollywood" Breitbart recently wrote a moving tale regarding his own battle with SWORS. He described an incident that occurred as he was having drinks with his wife at a hotel on California's "ritzy Santa Monica shoreline."

When Breitbart observed a group of young people protesting outside the hotel, SWORS took over his brain. He assumed that what he was seeing was a protest against all things good and true and American, and that the "anti-warriors were ­trying to destroy the peaceful ­seaside vibe and our pleasant Jose Cuervo buzz." He therefore proceeded to rush to a nearby balcony, where an American flag waved. "Positioned next to Old Glory," he writes, "I countered the young punk and reached out my right arm ­directing my middle finger in his direction."

Unfortunately, as Breitbart later discovered when his seizure wore off, the protest was against the enslavement and use of children as soldiers in Uganda and the Congo. To Breitbart's credit, he's actually against those things. And, he admits, he was "a jerk."

Don't beat yourself up, Andrew. You just can't help yourself. But admitting you have a problem is the first step in finding the cure.

So what can we do to stop the spread of this embarrassing and destructive illness? Not much, I'm afraid. People with SWORS are not only resistant to treatment; they often see anyone attempting to ­diagnose the disease as part of the threatening conspiracy that forms the core of their delusion. In fact, it's a sad fact that the very description of the syndrome contained in this column may trigger an outbreak.

If you encounter someone in the throes of a SWORS attack, under no circumstances should you attempt to reason with them. Since irrational outbursts of anger and disjointed rants are the primary symptoms of the disease, injury or extreme boredom may occur. Best just to change the subject.

Fortunately, sufferers are only really dangerous when they hold or are seeking political power. The only thing to do is watch them carefully, try to keep them isolated, and hope someday there may be a cure.

Maybe we should have a telethon.

Another Case of SWORS

Mike Huckabee on Obama's new Supreme Court nominee:

The appointment of Maria Sotomayor for the Supreme Court is the clearest indication yet that President Obama's campaign promises to be a centrist and think in a bipartisan way were mere rhetoric. Sotomayor comes from the far left and will likely leave us with something akin to the "Extreme Court" that could mark a major shift.

Huckabee's criticism might be taken a little more seriously if the nominees' first name was actually Maria. It's Sonia Sotomayor.

If he hasn't taken the time to actually get the candidates' NAME right. how are we to believe he's actually familiar with anything Judge Sotomayor stands for?

Another case of Spasmodic Wingnut Outrage Syndrome in full bloom.

Will They Never Learn?

The story made short: wingnut columnist Andrew Breitbart was having a cocktail with the missus at "an elegant, white-veneered hotel along the ritzy Santa Monica shoreline" when he saw a protest that triggered his Spasmodic Wingnut Outrage Reflex. Assuming that it was a protest against all things good and true and American, and that the "anti-warriors were trying to destroy the peaceful seaside vibe and our pleasant Jose Cuervo buzz," Breitbart proceeded to make a colossal ass of himself as only someone in the throes of Spasmodic Wingnut Outrage can do:

I jumped from my seat and bolted to the center of the balcony, where the American flag waved furiously in a now-harsh wind. Positioned next to Old Glory, I countered the young punk and reached out my right arm directing my middle finger in his direction.


Yeah, that'll learn 'em.

Later, however, he found out the protest was against the enslavement and use of children as soldiers in Uganda and the Congo. To Breitbart's credit, he's actually against that. And he admits he was a jerk: "OK, fine. I messed up."

Yep. He did. And Breitbart is to be commended for admitting it.

But the problem is, this is the sort of shit that wingnuts pull all the time. Whether it's a conniption over Rachael Ray's scarf, or a freakout about Obama allegedly flying someone across the country to make him pizza, or some hoax about Michelle Obama ordering lobster and caviar from room service on the campaign trail, these idiots never stop to think or check their facts they throw one of their little tantrums.

Will this be an object lesson to the wingnuttosphere? Will they start thinking or getting facts straight before letting the Spasmodic Wingnut Outrage Reflex take over their frontal lobes?

Well, in the words of the website where I first saw this story: Sadly, No!