Sluice Tundra, Private Eye: The Case of the Flip-Flopping Financier

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It was about 11 o'clock in the morning, the day after the Michigan and Arizona primaries. I waited in the hallway of the big mansion, trying to keep my trench coat from dripping rain on the expensive Italian tiles. It didn't work. Darned gravity.

"The governor will see you now, sir," the ancient gray-haired butler said.

I followed him into a room so large you could have played full-court basketball in it and still had room for a game of pingpong in the corners. It was a long walk to where the former governor sat at the other end; I had to stop and rest a couple of times.

As I came closer, he got up from behind an antique desk that probably cost more than my house. He flashed me the tight-jawed, blank-eyed, toothy grin I'd seen a thousand times on my TV screen, the one that always made me wonder if he was real or something that had escaped from a ride at Disney World.

"Are you Mr. Tundra?" he said.

"That's me," I said, "Sluice Tundra, private eye. An honest gumshoe, trying to earn a living out on the mean streets, where life is cheap, the women are fast, and the lead flies like ..."

"Yes, Mr. Tundra, I know," the governor interrupted. "It's on your business card. I must say, you really had to use some small print to fit that speech onto one card."

"It was either that, or say 'Continued on Next Card,'" I said. "And that would be silly." I took a seat. "So what can I do for you, governor?" I said.

"I'm being followed," he said. A hunted look came over his chiseled face. "It's always there. Right behind me. It won't leave me alone."

"What?" I asked. "What's following you?"

"My record," he said.

"Your record?"

He nodded. "I'm supposed to be this big right-wing conservative. I need that to get through the primaries. But every time I turn around, it's there." He got up, went to the nearby wet bar, and poured a drink with shaking hands. "I can't get away from it. I can't get away from the fact that I once supported a ban on assault weapons. That I ran for the Senate in 1994 saying I'd be a stronger advocate for gay rights than Ted Kennedy. That I supported the Wall Street bailout and once supported stem cell research."

"Don't forget Romneycare," I said. He looked daggers at me, but I went on. "You remember? You said you liked the individual mandate, that the mandates worked."

"You're not helping!" he snapped.

I shrugged. "What do you want me to do?"

"Make it stop following me!" he said.

"Sorry, Governor," I said. "I'm pretty good, but I can't change the past. If I could do that, I'd undo my second marriage." I got up from the chair. "But look on the bright side. Once you've got the nomination, a lot of those people who've been railing against everything you've supported will fall in line and vote for you. Because as bad as they hate bailouts, health care (for anyone but them), gun control and gay people, they hate Obama even more."

He brightened up at that. "So I'll win the election?"

"Oh, God, no," I answered. "Obama's going to take that record you're fretting about and spend months beating you over the head with it so hard your ears ring. You're going to be the John Kerry of the Republican Party - the guy the base went along with, even though they didn't like him, because he was safe and electable. Then the moderates and independents looked at him and saw him as a phony who votes for things before he votes against them. And we all know how that worked out."

I shook my head. "No, you've got to have more than 'I'm not that guy' to win the general election. There just aren't enough people willing to turn out in the general election to vote based on hate. And you, sir, just don't have much more than that, especially now that the economy's improving."

He looked stubborn. "I can tell them it isn't. I can tell them the better unemployment figures don't mean anything."

"Yeah, good luck with that."

He drew himself up to his full height. "Mr. Tundra," he said, "you're fired." Then, for the first time, he smiled a genuine smile. "I really do like firing people."

"Yeah," I said. "Good luck with that, too."

GALLOWS POLE FREE FOR A LIMITED TIME

Thanks to the resounding success of last month's promos for THE DEVIL'S RIGHT HAND and LAWYERS GUNS AND MONEY, I'm starting off March by offering my latest, GALLOWS POLE, free for a limited time for the Kindle.

Someone is killing entire families, forcing fathers to hang their wives and children before taking their own lives. How does the killer do it? And what is the meaning of the small iron horse the killer leaves at every murder scene? FBI agent Melissa Saxon and her handpicked team are racing against time to solve the mystery before more families die.

Former anti-terrorist operative Colonel Mark Bishop and the survivors of his command think they know. One of their own, a stone killer who calls himself the Hangman, has come out to play, and he's trying to draw out not only Bishop, but his former comrades—the elite team known as Iron Horse.

Only the Horsemen can stop one of their own. But the team is disbanded, the survivors scattered. Bishop himself is tormented by guilt for the things he had to do to keep one of his men from suffering an agonizing death. Their adversary is not only a skilled assassin, but a master at creating fear. Behind the scenes, shadowy and powerful figures pursue their own plans for Bishop and the Hangman.

Mark Bishop, Melissa Saxon, and the last of the Iron Horsemen will have to use all their courage and every resource, including an array of high-tech weapons, to stop the Hangman. What they have to do will put everything they ever believed in to the ultimate test and push Bishop to the edge of sanity.

"[A] book that will both entertain and challenge you. What more could you possibly ask for?"

--Elizabeth A. White, reviewer

"J.D. Rhoades delivers the goods and then some in the wonderfully suspenseful Gallows Pole."
-- Gary Phillips, author of THE UNDERBELLY

"J.D. Rhoades kicks ass!"
--J.A. Konrath

"Rhoades is a knock-em-dead writer. Always a fan. Get this."
--Anthony Neil Smith, author of ALL THE YOUNG WARRIORS

Andrew Breitbart Has Died

The right wing blogger was reported dead of natural causes at age 43.

There's a lot that could be said about the death of Andrew Breitbart. But let's not think about his death. Let us remember him as he lived:



And then there's this touching moment.

and of course, this set of Tweets after the death of Ted Kennedy: 


Over the course of the next three hours, Breitbart unapologetically attacked Kennedy, calling him a “villain,” “a big ass motherf@#$er,” a “duplicitous bastard” and a “prick.” “I’ll shut my mouth for Carter. That’s just politics. Kennedy was a special pile of human excrement,” wrote Breitbart in one tweet.


Let us remember the life of Andrew Breitbart. 

Beware the Girl Scout Conspiracy!!

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Beware: When you bought those Girl Scout cookies last month, you may have been inadvertently helping to finance the liberal homosexual aborto-fascist agenda.

At least that's what Indiana state Rep. Bob Morris seems to be afraid of.

Morris recently refused to join in a resolution in the Indiana State House to honor 100 years of Girl Scouting. In a letter to his fellow Republicans, he explained why: "After talking to some well-informed constituents, I did a small amount of Web-based research, and what I found is disturbing."

(Note: When someone confidently cites "a small amount of Web-based research" as his basis for an opinion, get ready for big laughs ahead).

The Girl Scouts (and their British cousins the Girl Guides), Morris' "research" revealed, "have entered into a close strategic affiliation with Planned Parenthood," though "you will not find evidence of this on [their] website - in fact, the websites of these two organizations explicitly deny funding Planned Parenthood."

Well, of course. The fact that they deny an association is just more proof that there is one. Anybody who knows enough to make himself a tinfoil hat knows that.

Wait, it gets better.

"Abundant evidence," Morris reports, "proves that the agenda of Planned Parenthood includes sexualizing young girls through the Girl Scouts, which is quickly becoming a tactical arm of Planned Parenthood."

Wow. I didn't know that Planned Parenthood had a "tactical arm." The whole thing raises the specter of fresh-faced, heavily armed, pre-teen girls in sashes fast-roping down from black helicopters to round up our helpless womenfolk and force-feed them RU-486 abortion pills and lesbian porn.

"Tagalong Actual, this is Thin Mint 6. We have secured the perimeter. Operation Baby Bust is under way. Over!"

Morris cites the fact that the "radically pro-abortion" first lady of the United States, Michelle Obama, serves as the honorary national president of the GSA. Of course, so has every first lady since 1917, so I guess they were all in on the conspiracy too. I'm so disappointed in Laura Bush, but you know, I always did think Bess Truman was up to something. Now I know she was probably pushing the radical pro-abortion agenda while Harry wasn't looking.

Within a few days after Morris' letter was printed in the The Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette, it was obvious that he was feeling a little heat, and by "heat," I mean widespread derision, even from his own party. House Speaker Brian Bosma, also a Republican, responded to Morris' lunacy by bringing Girl Scout cookies into the House floor and passing them out.

When finally cornered by reporters, Morris defiantly refused to back down. In fact, in classic wingnut fashion, he doubled down on the crazy. Asked why he thinks the Girl Scouts support abortion, Morris proved that he'd learned from his time on the Internet. He trotted out one of the classic dodges of the dishonest debater when asked for proof of a wild accusation: "Look it up yourself." Also known as, "I'm not your Google monkey."

People, said Morris, should "get on the Internet, do some research, contact the Girl Scouts of America on a national level and ask them that question." When someone pointed out that the stated position of the Girl Scouts is neither pro- nor anti-abortion and that such issues are "best left to the girls to talk with their families about," Morris uttered this jaw-dropper: "They're not against it. If you're not against it, you're for it."

Based on this logic, the U.S. Postal Service, the Army and NASCAR are all pro-abortion, because they haven't taken a clear position against it.

In the end, the resolution to honor the Girl Scouts passed, with only one vote against it, after which Speaker Bosma asked all of the female House members who had been Girl Scouts to stand and make the motion to adjourn. According to USA Today, "nearly every female member stood." Asked about the controversy later, Bosma described his attitude this way: "I've been to the carnival before, and you don't walk into every sideshow tent."

Good for you, Mr. Speaker. It's nice to find at least one corner of the Republican Party where they don't let the clowns run the circus. Someone ought to nominate him for national GOP chairman.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T ASK ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL!

At least night's Republican debate, a viewer-generated question about where the candidates stand on birth control drew boos from the typical GOP debate mob:



Now, since this has been a big topic recently, it would seem a legitimate question to ask. But asking about the GOP frontrunner's radical position on birth control--something a lot of women rely on their health insurance to be able to afford-- interferes with the Republicans'  favorite bait and switch: they get into office convincing independents and moderates they’re for jobs, low taxes and less government, then immediately forget all that the moment they’re sworn in and start trying to limit the reproductive choices of women and restrict the rights of LGBT people (while continuing to spend money on their pet issues  as if nothing had happened). 


Santorum and Gingrich are scaring the hell out of the Party establishment because they won’t keep their mouths shut about it, and they know the whole world is watching, not just the far right. 

I'll Probably Go To Hell For Laughing At This

Dominique Strauss-Kahn Held in French Prostitution Case - NYTimes.com

So Dominique Strauss-Kahn, International Horndog, is being questioned about possible ties to a prostitution ring that allegedly supplied girls to orgies DSK attended. You've got to love his lawyer's defense:

“He could easily not have known, because as you can imagine, at these kinds of parties you’re not always dressed, and I challenge you to distinguish a naked prostitute from any other naked woman,” the lawyer, Henri Leclerc, told a French radio station, Europe 1, in December.