Tuesday, August 01, 2006

White Punks On Dope

We’ve all seen them. Those anti-drug PSA’s that try to convince teens not to partake of controlled substances. They range from the merely lame to the downright surreal, like the one with the teenaged girl whose head seems to have been smashed down into her torso, as if she were the victim of some bizarre industrial accident.

Now, I’ll take the ads at face value. I’ll assume that the producers mean well, and that they really do think the ads are going to keep kids from getting high. But I have to tell you, sometimes the ads are so clearly ineffective that they may as well have been made by the drug cartels themselves. I can just hear what’s going through the head of the average American teen: “Man, if that’s the best you can come up with when you’re straight, I better get me some drugs right away.”

You want an ad to keep kids off drugs? Get a bunch of street cops. Ask them to tell the story of the biggest dumbass stoner they ever ran across. Then dramatize it:

FADE IN: a bunch of off duty cops sitting around the gas grill, shooting the breeze:

COP ONE: Yeah, I pulled this kid over. Routine traffic stop, y’know? I get out, approach the car…he opens the door and I see his foot come out. I step back, reach for my weapon…and he leans down and stuffs a plastic bag into the top of his sock. Right in front of me! It was like he didn’t even know I was there! I search him, and of course he's carrying rock...

COP TWO: I got a better one. I get a call from a mechanic. This girl brought her car for an oil change. The mechanic lifts the hood and the girl’s got three pounds of pot stuffed in the engine compartment. So we set there and wait till she comes back. We ask “this your car?” Of course she says yes. When we’re taking her off to jail, she tells us she never figured they’d have to lift the hood to change the oil.

COP THREE: Hey, I remember this guy we caught one time…we were riding down the road and we saw this motorcycle pulled off the road by the woods. We stopped and looked it over, ran the plates and all…as we got back in the car, we see this guy, coming out of the woods..and I swear, he’s got this five foot marijuana plant slung over his shoulder from where he’s pulled it up. He gets on the motorcycle, starts up, and gets about a hundred feet before I stopped him.

COP FOUR: Oh, hey, I got the best one...I was working undercover about three months. Got to know this guy pretty well. We got him on tape selling rocks...we bust him, I testify at his trial, he goes away for about six months. A few days after he gets out, I'm off duty, I see him hitching. I felt kind of sorry for the guy, so I pick him up. I'm in plain clothes, in my personal vehicle. We're riding down the road...and out of the blue, the guy asks me if I want to buy some weed!


COP THREE: Jesus. What a bunch of fucking morons.


Hey, it’s got to work better than the ads they’re doing now…

(Note: I've actually heard all of the above stories from members of law enforcement)


David Terrenoire said...

When I was in the service, a sergeant caught a guy smoking dope and said, "I'll pretend I didn't see this," and turned away.

Nice guy, right?

That's when the stoned guy said, "OK, but if I get busted later, this will make you an accessory."

The sergeant, amazed anyone could be this stupid, called the MPs and they threw the stoner into the stockade.

Stacey Cochran said...

Kind'a off subject here, but do you guys know MacIntyre's Bookstore over in Pittsboro? I see from their website that they have an open mic night on Thursday at 7:00. I'm thinking about driving over to do my thing.


David Terrenoire said...


MacIntyre's is a great book store and they really support authors.

When I had my reading there, I had a crowd of about 25 people and sold almost 20 books.

Anonymous said...

I agree with you. I think that would be a much more effective way to get the message out.

Your idea reminds me of those videos where they let people steal a special car with cameras in it. They video them talking as they drive away. In one the girl is saying something along the lines of, "...This isn't one of those Decoy cars is it? I've seen those on TV... ya' wanna smoke a joint...." Enter the Cops.

lori g. Armstrong said...

Leave it to you, Dusty to brighten my day...Maybe since Terrenoire is an ad whiz and you're a legal whiz you should pitch this idea to the "Just Say No" committee...be interesting to see their reaction, if nothing else.

JD Rhoades said...

Stacey: MacIntyre's rocks.

The sergeant, amazed anyone could be this stupid, called the MPs and they threw the stoner into the stockade.

That's one for the ad.