Monday, January 01, 2007

2007 --The Year In Preview

The Latest Newspaper Column:

OK, I've got all my gear lined up. I've got my Tarot cards, I've got my Magic 8-Ball, I've even got my chicken entrails.
That means it's time once again for your Humble Columnist's fearless predictions for 2007:
January: The new Democratic-controlled Congress takes power.
In the first 100 hours, they enact the security recommendations of the 9/11 commission, raise the minimum wage, enact comprehensive lobbying reform, cut the interest rate on student loans in half, pass a bill to allow the government to negotiate directly with the pharmaceutical companies for lower drug prices for Medicare patients, and broaden the types of stem cell research allowed with federal funds.
The mainstream media pronounce Speaker Pelosi's tenure a "failure" because, explains NBC's Judy Woodruff, "that's just what we do these days. Otherwise, Michelle Malkin and Sean Hannity might get mad, and we can't have that."
February: Sunni and Shiite militias take to the streets in open sectarian conflict, each group seizing command of key government ministries. When asked if this constitutes civil war in Iraq, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow twirls his parasol and answers, "Fiddle-dee-dee! There isn't going to be any war!"
March: Failed Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in a joint awards ceremony with former FEMA Director Michael "Brownie" Brown. "You guys did a heckuva a job," President Bush tells the award recipients. The moment is widely considered the low point in both men's careers.
April: Rising sea levels cause several inhabited islands in the South Pacific to sink beneath the surface of the ocean. In an interview, Vice President Dick Cheney announces that global warming is in its "last throes" before shooting the interviewer in the face.
May: As casualties, both American and Iraqi, reach their highest levels ever in the bloodiest month of sectarian conflict in the Middle East, President Bush does a skit at the National Press Club Dinner where he peers under tables and the podium, chuckling, "No civil war here! No civil war under here!" The national press pronounces it "the funniest thing since the Marx Brothers" and denounces those who call the joke callous and insensitive as "anti-fun nanny-state liberals."
June: In a college commencement address, Sen. John Kerry asks, "How many Bush administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb? Give up? None! They can't admit that it's dark!" Six weeks of media furor ensue over Kerry's use of the words "give up" and whether he meant that as an "insult to the troops."
July: The National Political Humorists' Guild issues an open letter to John Kerry pleading with him not to attempt any more jokes.
August: A leaked Pentagon report states that Iraq has "definitely been in a state of civil war" since late 2006. When asked about the report and whether the administration has changed its opinion about the Iraqi situation, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow replies that the president hasn't read the report. When a reporter notes that the Pentagon sent the report to the White House in March, Snow accuses him of partisanship. "Everyone knows the partisan bias of calendars, so asking about the passage of time is clearly a partisan question," Snow asserts to the dumbfounded White House Press Corps.
September: A Congressional investigation turns up shocking evidence that Vice President Cheney's staff had, since mid-2006, been cruising the streets kidnapping hobos and bringing them to the vice president so he could shoot them in the face. "After that guy in Texas, well, it just got good to him," one witness testifies.
Republican pundits and bloggers denounce the Democratic Party over the Cheney story, claiming that, while the story is admittedly completely true, the Democrats are at fault for withholding it until September for maximum political effect. "Can you prove they didn't do that?" Rep. Patrick McHenry of North Carolina triumphantly asks Wolf Blitzer. When Blitzer asks McHenry how releasing the story in September 2007 creates any kind of political timing, McHenry rolls his eyes and calls Blitzer "another one of those calendar-obsessed liberals."
November: Sunni and Shiite forces don blue and gray uniforms, pick up muskets, and start marching in line to the tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "Dixie." The Bush White House finally admits, "Well, maybe you might call what's going on in Iraq a civil war." "Finally!" exclaims radical Shiite leader Muqtada al-Sadr, doffing his wool uniform. "We were beginning to wonder what it would take before those bozos finally admitted it. Oh, by the way, death to America."
December: Melting of the polar ice caps causes Santa's Workshop to plunge to the bottom of the Arctic Ocean. George W. Bush predicts that in the future, the death by drowning of Santa and all his reindeer and the subsequent cancellation of Christmas will be regarded by historians as "just a comma."
Well, there you have it. Not a pretty picture, I'll admit, but don't blame me, blame the future. I don't create it, I just predict it.
Now, can someone tell me how to get leftover chicken entrails out of the rug?

3 comments:

David Terrenoire said...

Glad to see your snark gland wasn't harmed in any of the new year's festivities.

J. Carson Black said...

Excellent! That should put you on the do not fly list.

Phoebe Fay said...

I'd be laughing my ass off if I wasn't scared it was all going to turn out to be true!