Sunday, April 15, 2007

Here's the Outrage

Latest Newspaper Column:

Q: Good evening, and welcome to this special "Eye on America" report from CBS News. I'm Katie Couric. Tonight I'm interviewing Martin Freem, chairman and CEO of the Washington consulting firm Indignicorp. Mr. Freem, good evening.

A: Good evening, Michelle.

Q: Umm it's Katie. Mr. Freem, can you give us an example of what your company does?

A: Certainly, Michelle. We manufacture outrage.

Q: Manufacture what?

A: Outrage. Indignation. That's where the name comes from.

Q: I'm not sure I understand.

A: Say, for example, you're a president. You're hip-deep in a war that you totally mismanaged, your attorney general's been lying to Congress, your approval ratings are in the dumpster. What you need is something to really fire up the base, some kind of red meat to throw to the monkeys to get them screaming and hollering. Something to take their minds off your dismal failures as a leader.

Q: So where does Indignicorp come in?

A: We take something your political opponents are doing at the moment, even something perfectly normal, and we spin it, twist it, and distort it so that it looks like high treason.

Q: Can you give us an example of your work?

A: Well, you know the recent "scandal" over Speaker Pelosi's trip to Syria?

Q: That was you?

A: You betcha, Michelle. We're really proud of that one.

Q: I'll bet. And my name is Katie.

A: I mean, you have to admit, it takes real cojones to act all outraged at a Democrat for going to Syria when there were Republican congressmen already visiting there at the time.

Q: How do you deal with that?

A: Deal with what?

Q: The Republicans who were visiting Syria. How do you avoid sounding hypocritical?

A: That's not the point, Michelle. The point is that the speaker of the House is undercutting the president. The president, Michelle! In time of WAR! War with people WHO WANT TO KILL US! KILL US, MICHELLE! AND OUR PUPPIES! DO YOU WANT THEM TO KILL PUPPIES? DO YOU!?

Q: What? No! Of course not! I love dogs Oh. I get it. And my name is --

A: See, that's how it works. The same way we deal with all inconvenient facts. We just ignore them and yell louder.

Q: Wait. What was my original point?

A: Exactly.

Q: Umm Anyway, moving on. Walk us through the process. How exactly does it work? How do you manufacture outrage?

A: Well, there are certain things I can't talk about. Trade secrets, you know. But it usually starts with planting stories with a select group we call the UIs.

Q: UIs?

A: Useful Idiots. People like Matt Drudge, Bill O'Reilly We have a sort of symbiotic relationship with these people. They need something to be mad about

Q: Wait a minute. Won't they be upset at being called "Idiots"?

A: Michelle, please. I've seen your ratings. Nobody will see it. Anyway, once the seed is planted, you clowns in the mainstream media fall right into line. And if there's one thing that motivates you people, it's the fear of being left out of a story.

Q: Well, I'm not sure I agree, and my name is --

A: I heard Barack Obama has a bunch of unpaid parking tickets.

Q: Really? What have you heard? Tell me! You have to tell me! PLEASE!

A: Gotcha!

Q: OK, that was just mean.

A: What'd I tell you? Rage and fear, fear and rage. They're the pistons that drive American media.

Q: So what's next for Indignicorp?

A: Well, we're working up a dandy package of outrage to use against John Edwards. For example, did you know that Edwards is rich?

Q: Well, yes. I mean, isn't President Bush?

A: That's not the point. The point is, that EDWARDS pretends to CARE ABOUT POOR PEOPLE, so HOW CAN HE LIVE IN A GREAT BIG HOUSE! He should be living in a CARDBOARD BOX if he really cares about the poor! Democrats HATE THE POOR! Do you HATE THE POOR, MICHELLE!? DO YOU?!

Q: I'm sorry. What was my question again?

A: Damn, I'm good.

Q: So is there anything so small or so ordinary that you can't turn it into an outrage?

A: Nothing I can think of. We have a saying around the office: "We don't even need a molehill. All we need to make a mountain is a big pile of bull...."

Q: Well, that's all the time we have today. This has been a special interview with CBS News.

A: Thank you. Katie.

Q: It's Michelle.

2 comments:

Rae said...

Brilliant. Thank you.

David Terrenoire said...

Excellent.

I've been in a dark room watching flickering lights since Thursday morning, so I had to catch up today. Your posts on Vonnegut and the Duke Lacrosse case were grade-A Rhoades.

I'm proud to know you, Dusty.