"We used to say in the White House that if a place is too dangerous, too small or too poor, send the First Lady." –Hillary Clinton
OMINOUS NARRATOR (with heavy drumbeat in the background):
NARRATOR: A place of unimaginable violence and cruelty. Gangs of armed thugs roam the land, performing brutal missions of “ethnic cleansing.” The nations of the world stand helplessly by.
DRUMBEAT: Boom-Boom. Boom-boom-boom.
NARRATOR: Only one crack, well trained operative can stop the horror:
NARRATOR (with heavy echo); HILLARY CLINTON, FIRST LADY!
NARRATOR (more normal now): Yes, the Adeventure Radio Network presents the thrilling adventures of Hillary Rodham Clinton, First Lady. Brought to you by Maid-Rite sandwich shops! Tonight’s Episode: “Assignment Bosnia!” Our story opens in the West Wing of the White House...
SECRETARY OF STATE MADELINE ALBRIGHT: Mrs. Clinton, you don’t have to call me ‘Chief’. Haven’t we known each other long enough that you can call me Madeline?
HRC: Maybe if we’re having a beer, ma’am. But when there’s danger in the air and the bullets are flying, I prefer to keep things official.
MA: Oh. Okay. Well, the President and I would like you to make a goodwill visit to
HRC: Hah! I knew it!
MA: You did?
HRC: Which warlord do you want me to assassinate?
HRC: Oh, sorry. I meant, ‘terminate with extreme prejudice.”
MA: Mrs. Clinton, are you feeling all right?
HRC: Oh, I get it. You don’t want to give me all the details. Plausible deniability and all that. I assume my contact on the ground will fill me in. Good plan.
MA: Ummm….actually, the travel office will…
HRC: Never mind that. Who else is on the team?
MA: The team? Oh, you mean who’s going with you.
HRC: Right. I assume I’ll have a squad of top operatives. A master of disguise, an explosives expert…
MA: Actually, we’re sending Sinbad.
HRC: The comedian?
MA: Yes And Sheryl Crow.
HRC: The singer? Wow. Who knew that they were deep-cover operatives? That’s brilliant, Madam Secretary! Brilliant! You can count on me! (Sound of door slamming)
MA (muttering): Crazy (bad word).
DRUMBEAT: Boom-Boom. Boom-Boom-Boom.
NARRATOR: 24 hours later….
HRC: Okay, everyone, we need to take our bulletproof vests and sit on them. That protects us from ground fire coming up through the floor.
HRC: Oh, Chelsea, my baby. I so wanted to protect you from all of this. But now, even you’re drawn into the endless cycle of killing. Sit on your bulletproof vest, baby.
NARRATOR: Later, in the skies above
(SOUND EFFECT: Airplane engines).
HRC: Okay, everyone. We’re going to go in on a HALO jump to take advantage of the dark of the moon….
SHERYL CROW: A what?
HRC: A HALO jump. High Altitude, Low Opening. We jump from miles up, free fall toward the target and open our canopies at the last possible second.
CROW: Oh, wow.
SINBAD: Wait a minute! No one told me nothin’ about no parachutes!
PILOT: This is the flight deck. We’ll be landing at
HRC: Okay, people. This is it. Lock and load.
HRC: We don’t know what’s waiting for us down there. Could be a hot LZ.
ARMY MAJOR: Actually, ma’am, we know exactly who’s down there. The acting president of
HRC: My god! They’re using schoolchildren as soldiers now!? Those fiends!
(SOUND EFFECT: Plane wheels touching down)
DRUMBEAT: Boom-Boom-Boomity Boom.
HRC: Snipers! Get your head down! Run for the cars! Sinbad! Sheryl! Cover me!
MAJOR: Okay, ma’am. It’s time to go.
SINBAD: Sheryl, that woman is strange.
CROW: Hey, let’s just hope she never runs for anything.
SINBAD (laughing) Are you kidding? You’ll see a Black man as the nominee before that woman!
CROW: A Black man!? Sinbad, you so crazy….
NARRATOR: This has been another episode of Hillary Clinton, FIRST LADY! Tune in next week when the First Lady meets…the Yellow Peril!