THE ADVENTURES OF....FIRST LADY!

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"We used to say in the White House that if a place is too dangerous, too small or too poor, send the First Lady." –Hillary Clinton

OMINOUS NARRATOR (with heavy drumbeat in the background): Bosnia, 1996.

DRUMBEAT: Boom-Boom-Boom.

NARRATOR: A place of unimaginable violence and cruelty. Gangs of armed thugs roam the land, performing brutal missions of “ethnic cleansing.” The nations of the world stand helplessly by.

DRUMBEAT: Boom-Boom. Boom-boom-boom.

NARRATOR: Only one crack, well trained operative can stop the horror:

NARRATOR (with heavy echo); HILLARY CLINTON, FIRST LADY!

(Theme Music)

NARRATOR (more normal now): Yes, the Adeventure Radio Network presents the thrilling adventures of Hillary Rodham Clinton, First Lady. Brought to you by Maid-Rite sandwich shops! Tonight’s Episode: “Assignment Bosnia!” Our story opens in the West Wing of the White House...

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON: You wanted to see me, Chief?

SECRETARY OF STATE MADELINE ALBRIGHT: Mrs. Clinton, you don’t have to call me ‘Chief’. Haven’t we known each other long enough that you can call me Madeline?

HRC: Maybe if we’re having a beer, ma’am. But when there’s danger in the air and the bullets are flying, I prefer to keep things official.

MA: Oh. Okay. Well, the President and I would like you to make a goodwill visit to Bosnia.

HRC: Hah! I knew it!

MA: You did?

HRC: Which warlord do you want me to assassinate?

MA: What?!

HRC: Oh, sorry. I meant, ‘terminate with extreme prejudice.”

MA: Mrs. Clinton, are you feeling all right?

HRC: Oh, I get it. You don’t want to give me all the details. Plausible deniability and all that. I assume my contact on the ground will fill me in. Good plan.

MA: Ummm….actually, the travel office will…

HRC: Never mind that. Who else is on the team?

MA: The team? Oh, you mean who’s going with you.

HRC: Right. I assume I’ll have a squad of top operatives. A master of disguise, an explosives expert…

MA: Actually, we’re sending Sinbad.

HRC: The comedian?

MA: Yes And Sheryl Crow.

HRC: The singer? Wow. Who knew that they were deep-cover operatives? That’s brilliant, Madam Secretary! Brilliant! You can count on me! (Sound of door slamming)

MA (muttering): Crazy (bad word).

DRUMBEAT: Boom-Boom. Boom-Boom-Boom.

NARRATOR: 24 hours later….

HRC: Okay, everyone, we need to take our bulletproof vests and sit on them. That protects us from ground fire coming up through the floor.

CHELSEA: Um…mom…

HRC: Oh, Chelsea, my baby. I so wanted to protect you from all of this. But now, even you’re drawn into the endless cycle of killing. Sit on your bulletproof vest, baby.

CHELSEA: Mom, this is the limo to the airport. We’re still in Washington DC.

DRUMBEAT: Boom-boom-boom.

NARRATOR: Later, in the skies above Bosnia….

(SOUND EFFECT: Airplane engines).

HRC: Okay, everyone. We’re going to go in on a HALO jump to take advantage of the dark of the moon….

SHERYL CROW: A what?

HRC: A HALO jump. High Altitude, Low Opening. We jump from miles up, free fall toward the target and open our canopies at the last possible second.

CROW: Oh, wow.

SINBAD: Wait a minute! No one told me nothin’ about no parachutes!

CHELSEA, sighing: We’re not using parachutes. We’re going to land at the airport. You’ll have to excuse my mom. She gets like this.

PILOT: This is the flight deck. We’ll be landing at Tuzla airport in two minutes.

HRC: Okay, people. This is it. Lock and load.

CROW: What?

HRC: We don’t know what’s waiting for us down there. Could be a hot LZ.

ARMY MAJOR: Actually, ma’am, we know exactly who’s down there. The acting president of Bosnia and a delegation of schoolchildren.

HRC: My god! They’re using schoolchildren as soldiers now!? Those fiends!

(SOUND EFFECT: Plane wheels touching down)

DRUMBEAT: Boom-Boom-Boomity Boom.

HRC: Snipers! Get your head down! Run for the cars! Sinbad! Sheryl! Cover me!

CROW: What?

CHELSEA: Calm down, Mom! That’s not snipers. That’s that guy with the dramatic kettledrum that follows you around all the time.

DRUMMER: Sorry.

MAJOR: Okay, ma’am. It’s time to go.

CHELSEA: Come on, mom. Let’s get this over with.

SINBAD: Sheryl, that woman is strange.

CROW: Hey, let’s just hope she never runs for anything.

SINBAD (laughing) Are you kidding? You’ll see a Black man as the nominee before that woman!

CROW: A Black man!? Sinbad, you so crazy….

(LAUGHTER)

NARRATOR: This has been another episode of Hillary Clinton, FIRST LADY! Tune in next week when the First Lady meets…the Yellow Peril!

(MUSIC OUT)