Sunday, April 10, 2011

Crazy For Half the Price: I Submit Myself As a Candidate To Replace Glenn Beck

Latest Newspaper Column: The Pilot

This past week, the world of ­broadcasting was rocked by the news that Fox News host Glenn Beck would be leaving his five-day-a-week show on that TV network in the near future.

Beck’s announcement on the show was delivered in his classic Drama-Queen-of-the-Apocalypse style; he warned ominously of “dark waters ahead” and ­compared himself to Paul Revere, who “had to get off the horse eventually” and “go back to silversmithing.”

He promised, ­however, that “we will find each other again.” He did not, however, burst into tears, so I’ll have to give that ­performance only eight out of a possible 10 stars.

I’ve got to tell you, folks, this is ­getting plumb frustrating. First I find out, as I reported a couple of weeks ago, that Sarah Palin is beginning to suffer from slipping favorability ratings. Now I find out I’m not going to have Glenn Beck to make fun of anymore.

(We will have to pause for a moment. Now that I’ve mentioned Sarah Palin in a column, even in passing, we have to give her die-hard fans a chance to rush to their ­computers and compose the usual blizzard of “why-are-you- picking-on-Sarah-you-must-be-afraid-of-her-leave Sarah-alooooooone!” letters. It’s a Pavlov’s dogs kind of thing. The poor things can’t help it. OK, back now? Let’s continue.)

Speculation abounds as to the reasons behind the sudden announcement. Some point to Beck’s slipping ratings, which were down a whopping 30 percent from last year. Others point to the exodus of ­advertisers fearful of boycotts, or perhaps fearful that advertising exclusively to the paranoid and resentful might not provide sufficient market ­penetration.

Still others mention the frequent clashes Beck and his staff had with Fox execs, or the rumors that the news staff was growing increasingly uncomfortable with Beck.

Whatever the reason, there will soon be an open spot in Fox’s lineup. And your Humble Columnist knows the clarion call of opportunity ringing loud and clear when he hears it. So, dear readers, I am offering my services to the Fox Network. I am the man they need to replace Glenn Beck. After all, I’ve done TV. One of my first jobs was in radio. And, most important, I can be absolutely raving crazy for half the price.

I can sense the doubt in some of you. I know that there are those who think I can’t possibly equal Glenn Beck when it comes to lunacy. You think there’s no way I can top stunts like portraying financier George Soros as a “puppetmaster” — using actual puppets.

You think I don’t possess the bizarre sense of self-importance that would allow me to defend myself against my critics by quoting that famous poem about Jews and the Holocaust (“When they’re done with Fox,” Beck said, “and you decide to speak out on something. The old, ‘first they came for the Jews, and I wasn’t Jewish.’”)

You think I can’t get up in front of a camera with a chalkboard and draw an intricate and convoluted web of ­conspiracy that looks like something drawn by Russell Crowe’s schizophrenic mathematician character in “A Beautiful Mind,” one that links Woodrow Wilson, ACORN, Soros and the Rothschild ­family.

You think I can’t manage the kind of cognitive ­dissonance that lets me claim in one moment that I love America and in the next chortle with glee that we didn’t get to host the Olympics.

O ye of little faith. I tell you, I can be that insane. I may have to stay up for three days straight and down an entire bottle of straight tequila, but I know I can do that. I’ve done it before. The results aren’t going to be pretty, but I can make the sacrifice. Did I mention I’ll do it for half the price they’ve been paying Beck?

I’ll have to get a chalkboard from somewhere. Manly man that I am, I may have to get some ­glycerin drops for my eyes so I can cry on command, but these are trivial matters.

Help me out here, folks. Write or e-mail Fox and tell them to give me a shot. It’s my destiny. It’s America’s ­destiny. Without me, the socialists win and the country becomes a Muslim Caliphate ruled by secular Marxist Islamist fascists, Al Gore and the New Black Panther Party. I’m so terrified I’m ­weeping, and you should be too.

See? And that’s just a sample. So what are you ­waiting for?


Anonymous said...

Glenn will disappear, retool, and probably re-emerge to take over for Jerry Springer.

I can even see him doing the final thought.

As an aside, the "final thought" 20-some odd years ago was actually a welcome part of Springer's really good news cast. It's only taken Beck about three years to achieve what took Springer about six: From serious journalist to carnival barking clown. Yep. Glenn would make a good ringmaster. And his audience would provide no shortage of guests.

The Skeptical Spouse said...

I find it amusing that anyone has to *hunt* for a reason to fire GB. How about "we're afraid he's going to go batshit during a routine meeting and kill us all."?


Fran said...

I'd vote for ya, Dusty! Hell, I'd even watch Fox if you were on it! That's about the only way, though. . .