Crazy For Half the Price: I Submit Myself As a Candidate To Replace Glenn Beck

Latest Newspaper Column: The Pilot

This past week, the world of ­broadcasting was rocked by the news that Fox News host Glenn Beck would be leaving his five-day-a-week show on that TV network in the near future.

Beck’s announcement on the show was delivered in his classic Drama-Queen-of-the-Apocalypse style; he warned ominously of “dark waters ahead” and ­compared himself to Paul Revere, who “had to get off the horse eventually” and “go back to silversmithing.”

He promised, ­however, that “we will find each other again.” He did not, however, burst into tears, so I’ll have to give that ­performance only eight out of a possible 10 stars.

I’ve got to tell you, folks, this is ­getting plumb frustrating. First I find out, as I reported a couple of weeks ago, that Sarah Palin is beginning to suffer from slipping favorability ratings. Now I find out I’m not going to have Glenn Beck to make fun of anymore.

(We will have to pause for a moment. Now that I’ve mentioned Sarah Palin in a column, even in passing, we have to give her die-hard fans a chance to rush to their ­computers and compose the usual blizzard of “why-are-you- picking-on-Sarah-you-must-be-afraid-of-her-leave Sarah-alooooooone!” letters. It’s a Pavlov’s dogs kind of thing. The poor things can’t help it. OK, back now? Let’s continue.)

Speculation abounds as to the reasons behind the sudden announcement. Some point to Beck’s slipping ratings, which were down a whopping 30 percent from last year. Others point to the exodus of ­advertisers fearful of boycotts, or perhaps fearful that advertising exclusively to the paranoid and resentful might not provide sufficient market ­penetration.

Still others mention the frequent clashes Beck and his staff had with Fox execs, or the rumors that the news staff was growing increasingly uncomfortable with Beck.

Whatever the reason, there will soon be an open spot in Fox’s lineup. And your Humble Columnist knows the clarion call of opportunity ringing loud and clear when he hears it. So, dear readers, I am offering my services to the Fox Network. I am the man they need to replace Glenn Beck. After all, I’ve done TV. One of my first jobs was in radio. And, most important, I can be absolutely raving crazy for half the price.

I can sense the doubt in some of you. I know that there are those who think I can’t possibly equal Glenn Beck when it comes to lunacy. You think there’s no way I can top stunts like portraying financier George Soros as a “puppetmaster” — using actual puppets.

You think I don’t possess the bizarre sense of self-importance that would allow me to defend myself against my critics by quoting that famous poem about Jews and the Holocaust (“When they’re done with Fox,” Beck said, “and you decide to speak out on something. The old, ‘first they came for the Jews, and I wasn’t Jewish.’”)

You think I can’t get up in front of a camera with a chalkboard and draw an intricate and convoluted web of ­conspiracy that looks like something drawn by Russell Crowe’s schizophrenic mathematician character in “A Beautiful Mind,” one that links Woodrow Wilson, ACORN, Soros and the Rothschild ­family.

You think I can’t manage the kind of cognitive ­dissonance that lets me claim in one moment that I love America and in the next chortle with glee that we didn’t get to host the Olympics.

O ye of little faith. I tell you, I can be that insane. I may have to stay up for three days straight and down an entire bottle of straight tequila, but I know I can do that. I’ve done it before. The results aren’t going to be pretty, but I can make the sacrifice. Did I mention I’ll do it for half the price they’ve been paying Beck?

I’ll have to get a chalkboard from somewhere. Manly man that I am, I may have to get some ­glycerin drops for my eyes so I can cry on command, but these are trivial matters.

Help me out here, folks. Write or e-mail Fox and tell them to give me a shot. It’s my destiny. It’s America’s ­destiny. Without me, the socialists win and the country becomes a Muslim Caliphate ruled by secular Marxist Islamist fascists, Al Gore and the New Black Panther Party. I’m so terrified I’m ­weeping, and you should be too.

See? And that’s just a sample. So what are you ­waiting for?

An Old Fable, Updated:

Latest Newspaper Column:

One day, Chicken Little was out for his walk when an acorn fell from a tree and hit him on the head. Chicken Little was a very silly chicken, so he immediately thought the worst.

"The sky is falling!" he screamed. "I have to go tell someone!"

So Chicken Little ran and ran until he came upon Foxy Loxy.

"Where are you going so fast, Chicken Little?" said Foxy Loxy.

"The sky is falling!" Chicken Little said. "I have to go tell someone!"

"Why don't you go on my television network?" said Foxy Loxy. "You can tell everyone that the sky is falling. And get your friend Henny Penny to go on the radio, and your friend Goosey Lucy to start a blog. Tell the people that the sky is falling, and that it's all the president'sfault. He and all his socialist buddies."

"What's a socialist?" Chicken Little asked.

"Who cares?" Foxy Loxy said. "It sounds bad, and people are afraid of it."

"Well..."

"How about if I pay you a lot of money?" Foxy Loxy said.

"Why didn't you say so before?" said Chicken Little.

So Chicken Little called Henny Penny and Goosey Lucy, and they all started going around on TV and radio and the Internet, insisting that, not only was the sky falling, but that it was all the fault of the President and the socialists.

Chicken Little often broke down in tears on camera because, he said, he was so afraid for the country. People were badly frightened, butthey kept tuning in. They often sent the things they heard to everyone they knew via e-mail, so the fear continued to spread.

One day, Chicken Little went to visit Foxy Loxy.

"Some people are beginning to say that the sky isn't falling after all," he complained.

"Looks like someone's drunk the Kool-Aid." Foxy Loxy laughed.

"What?" Chicken Little said.

"It's just a meaningless expression," Foxy Loxy explained. "You say it when anyone says the sky's not really falling."

"Some people are saying I was just hit on the head by an acorn."

"That's part of the liberal media conspiracy," Foxy Loxy said. "You can't believe anything they say."

"But if the sky is falling," Chicken Little asked. "Why aren't we all dead?"

"Chicken Little," Foxy Loxy said, "Do you like getting your paycheck?"

"Sure," Chicken Little answered.

"Do you really think there's any money in telling people the sky is NOT falling?"

"I guess you're right," Chicken Little said. "But aren't there other things we can scare people with?"

Foxy Loxy looked suspicious. "Like what?"

"Like I heard that there are people who are making big messes and poisoning the water and the air. And some other big companies are cheating people of their money."

"Chicken Little," Foxy Loxy said patiently, "Those people are big advertisers on my TV network. If you make people afraid of them, they might demand that the government do something about it. If the government does that, they'll make less money. If they make less
money...."

"We'll make less money?" Chicken Little said.

"Exactly. And only a socialist would want something like that to happen. You're not a socialist, are you?"

"Heck, no!" Chicken Little said. "I don't even know what that is!"

"Very good," Foxy Loxy said. "So what do we tell the people?"

"The sky is falling. And it's the president's fault. Him and the socialists."

"That's my boy," said Foxy Loxy. "Now get out there and spread that fear."

So they all got back to work telling everyone that the socialists and the president were all part of a big conspiracy that was making the sky fall. Anyone who tried to say different was told they were Kool-Aid drinking socialists. And they all got rich and lived happily ever after.

Well, Chicken Little and his friends did, at least. Everyone who listened to them spent all their time being scared and angry and mistrustful, afraid that the sky was falling.

But, of course, it never did.

Why I'm Watching the World Cup Right Now

Glenn Beck hates the World Cup | Media Matters for America: "It doesn't matter how you sell it to us. It doesn't matter how many celebrities you get. It doesn't matter how many bars open early. It doesn't matter how many beer commercials they run. We don't want the World Cup. We don't like the World Cup. We don't like soccer. We want nothing to do with it. You can package it any way -- you can spend all kinds of money. You can force it on our television sets. We will not enjoy the World Cup."

Okay, I was probably going to watch the US play England, even if Beck hadn't gone off on this rant, which is some truly over the top dickitude, even for Beck. After all, I love my country, and love to see it succeed, especially in things we're not normally known for being good at.

But the fact that the World Cup induces this degree of apoplexy in the man who is to asshats as the Grand Canyon is to holes in the ground is just icing on the cake.

USA! USA! USA!

Beyond Parody, Part II

Glenn Beck:

Celebrities are coming together to make it cool to volunteer. Disney gives you a free day at the park. This is all fine, but doesn't it seem a little bit convenient that all of this comes out now at the same time the Obama administration is calling for it? Obama controls the message through the media he holds in his pocket. Or in his little hand. And soon if you disobey, he'll just go [Beck slaps his hand]. Now the message will be embedded in television shows. Isn't this great? Aren't you proud of what we're doing? Oh, this certainly is change.

So let me get this straight. Encouraging people to volunteer to help their community or their country is now a bad thing because Barack Obama and "celebrities" are doing it? Click through and watch the Beck video, if you can stand it. Listen to the tone of Beck's voice. You'll see a conservative spokesman actually sneering at the idea of volunteerism, before claiming that "this is like living in Mao's China" and comparing Ashton Kutcher to Karl Marx for encouraging it.

This is what conservatism has come to. They only have two principles: IBIODI and IOKIYAR. (It's Bad If Obama Does It and It's Okay If You're a Republican).