Sunday, February 26, 2012

Beware the Girl Scout Conspiracy!!

Latest Newspaper Column:

Beware: When you bought those Girl Scout cookies last month, you may have been inadvertently helping to finance the liberal homosexual aborto-fascist agenda.
At least that's what Indiana state Rep. Bob Morris seems to be afraid of.
Morris recently refused to join in a resolution in the Indiana State House to honor 100 years of Girl Scouting. In a letter to his fellow Republicans, he explained why: "After talking to some well-informed constituents, I did a small amount of Web-based research, and what I found is disturbing."
(Note: When someone confidently cites "a small amount of Web-based research" as his basis for an opinion, get ready for big laughs ahead).
The Girl Scouts (and their British cousins the Girl Guides), Morris' "research" revealed, "have entered into a close strategic affiliation with Planned Parenthood," though "you will not find evidence of this on [their] website - in fact, the websites of these two organizations explicitly deny funding Planned Parenthood."
Well, of course. The fact that they deny an association is just more proof that there is one. Anybody who knows enough to make himself a tinfoil hat knows that.
Wait, it gets better.
"Abundant evidence," Morris reports, "proves that the agenda of Planned Parenthood includes sexualizing young girls through the Girl Scouts, which is quickly becoming a tactical arm of Planned Parenthood."
Wow. I didn't know that Planned Parenthood had a "tactical arm." The whole thing raises the specter of fresh-faced, heavily armed, pre-teen girls in sashes fast-roping down from black helicopters to round up our helpless womenfolk and force-feed them RU-486 abortion pills and lesbian porn.
"Tagalong Actual, this is Thin Mint 6. We have secured the perimeter. Operation Baby Bust is under way. Over!"

Morris cites the fact that the "radically pro-abortion" first lady of the United States, Michelle Obama, serves as the honorary national president of the GSA. Of course, so has every first lady since 1917, so I guess they were all in on the conspiracy too. I'm so disappointed in Laura Bush, but you know, I always did think Bess Truman was up to something. Now I know she was probably pushing the radical pro-abortion agenda while Harry wasn't looking.

Within a few days after Morris' letter was printed in the The Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette, it was obvious that he was feeling a little heat, and by "heat," I mean widespread derision, even from his own party. House Speaker Brian Bosma, also a Republican, responded to Morris' lunacy by bringing Girl Scout cookies into the House floor and passing them out.
When finally cornered by reporters, Morris defiantly refused to back down. In fact, in classic wingnut fashion, he doubled down on the crazy. Asked why he thinks the Girl Scouts support abortion, Morris proved that he'd learned from his time on the Internet. He trotted out one of the classic dodges of the dishonest debater when asked for proof of a wild accusation: "Look it up yourself." Also known as, "I'm not your Google monkey."
People, said Morris, should "get on the Internet, do some research, contact the Girl Scouts of America on a national level and ask them that question." When someone pointed out that the stated position of the Girl Scouts is neither pro- nor anti-abortion and that such issues are "best left to the girls to talk with their families about," Morris uttered this jaw-dropper: "They're not against it. If you're not against it, you're for it."
Based on this logic, the U.S. Postal Service, the Army and NASCAR are all pro-abortion, because they haven't taken a clear position against it.
In the end, the resolution to honor the Girl Scouts passed, with only one vote against it, after which Speaker Bosma asked all of the female House members who had been Girl Scouts to stand and make the motion to adjourn. According to USA Today, "nearly every female member stood." Asked about the controversy later, Bosma described his attitude this way: "I've been to the carnival before, and you don't walk into every sideshow tent."
Good for you, Mr. Speaker. It's nice to find at least one corner of the Republican Party where they don't let the clowns run the circus. Someone ought to nominate him for national GOP chairman.

9 comments:

Dana King said...

"Bosma described his attitude this way: "I've been to the carnival before, and you don't walk into every sideshow tent."

It was worth reading to the end just for that.

Karen in Ohio said...

Morris and Santorum--two of a kind.

Hard to prove or disprove those kind of jaw-droppingly, mind-numbingly crazy statements.

JD Rhoades said...

Karen, I think the rise of Santorum has definitively brought more crazies out into the light and encouraged them to Go There. And that's what's scaring the GOP establishment so badly. They can't keep these people quiet. Santorum especially seems incapable of staying on message. That's destroying the brand.

Karen in Ohio said...

Well, I'm sorry to see it, Dusty. I'm a fan of the two-party system, because it worked for hundreds of years for us (well, a couple hundred). But the polarization, mostly caused by bought-and-sold media, is hurting the country badly.

JD Rhoades said...

Don't worry, Karen. The Democrats are at least three parties in and of themselves.

Charlieopera said...

Depending on which minority you're willing to ignore, the two party system worked ... which is one of the problems with the Tea Party's reliance on the constitution. Their worship of it requires you ignore a ton of unpleasant facts about how it was drafted, who drafted it and who was ignored once it was drafted.

Even moi (an anarchist leaning socialist/communist--I change almost daily of late), have to say given the choices for 2012, it almost makes sense to reward the failure Obama has been over the lunatics on the right.

The problem for moi is I can't reward somebody a pubic hair to the left (who actually shares, albeit for political purposes, many of the same absurd positions (anti gay marriage for one)). Hearing his position is once again evolving on that one reminds me too much of the clown who loves trees and cars and thinks the trees in Michigan are the right height. Let's not get into what he did to unions ... or American workers in general when he repaid his best buddies on Wall Street.

It's all very frustrating, both sideshows we call our political representation. They are there to serve capitalism and capitalism only. Their words are just that, words ... sound and the fury ... signifying gotz (italian slang for shit/Brooklyn slang for nothing).

Leigh said...

(Karen)

This is not the first time that a long term politicial party has imploded. Look at the Whigs, for example. Political parties have a shelf-life, just like canned goods. The Republicans just seem to have (long) past the sell-by date and now, just like an ancient can of (dented/compromised) pork and beans, they're full of botulism and other nasty stuff and is about to explode.

Rae said...

Holy cow. Now I really have seen it all....

this site said...

When you bought those Girl Scout cookies last month, you may have been inadvertently helping to finance the liberal homosexual aborto-fascist agenda.
At least that's what Indiana state Rep. Bob Morris seems to be afraid of.
Morris recently refused to join in a resolution in the Indiana State House to honor 100 years of Girl Scouting. In a letter to his fellow Republicans, he explained why: "After talking to some well-informed constituents, I did a small amount of Web-based research, and what I found is disturbing."