Sunday, June 14, 2009


Latest Newspaper Column:

ANNOUNCER: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, it's time once again for your favorite game show ...


ANNOUNCER: Yes, it's "Who Said That?", the game show where we give you a quote and the contestant has to guess which famous person said it. And now, here's your host, Wink Dinklesteen!

AUDIENCE: (Applause)

WINK: Thanks folks! Let's meet today's contestant. He's a retired insurance agent from Nutley, N.J. Please welcome -- Mr. Arnold Gaggenheimer!

AUDIENCE: (Applause)

CONTESTANT: Thanks, Wink. Great to be here!

WINK: OK, here's our first quote, for 100 points. It pertains to a Supreme Court nominee. Someone described that nominee as a "delightful and warm, intelligent person who has great empathy and a wonderful sense of humor." So, for 100 points ... audience?


WINK: And for 50 bonus points, name the nominee.

CONTESTANT: Oh, that's easy. That's Obama. Talking about that liberal activist nominee, Sotomato or Sergeantmajor or whatever her name is. Boy, that "empathy" nonsense just burns me up.

WINK: Oh, really?

CONTESTANT: Empathy! What a joke! What about the rule of law? What about Equal Protection? What about ...

WINK: Hate to interrupt your conniption, Arnold, but that quote about empathy was from President George H.W. Bush.

CONTESTANT: Impossible! Was some liberal activist judicial nominee being forced on him by a liberal Congress full of liberals?

WINK: Nope! The quote was about Justice Clarence Thomas.

CONTESTANT: What?! Thomas is a conservative! Conservatives hate empathy!

WINK: But I guess even empathy's OK if you're a Republican, eh? Ha ha! OK, next quote.This one's for 200 dollars. What Supreme Court nominee said: "When I get a case about discrimination, I have to think about people in my own family who suffered discrimination because of their ethnic background or because of religion or because of gender. And I do take that into account." Audience?


CONTESTANT: OK, that's got to be that racist woman Obama's nominated.

WINK: Sorry to tell you, Arnold, but...

CONTESTANT: I've never heard such outrageous claptrap! Rather than appointing judges who are thinking about their personal experience and empathizing with certain groups, the president should select individuals who are committed to abiding by the Constitution! This is nothing but racism! Do you hear me? Racism!

WINK: Nope, sorry, but that was a quote from Justice Samuel Alito.


WINK: Yes sir, he said it at his confirmation hearing.

CONTESTANT: I don't believe it! He's a white man. White men can't be racists! Only minorities can be racists!

WINK: Ummm ... what?

CONTESTANT: It's simple, Wink. Any time someone from a minority group mentions the fact that they're from a minority group, or suggests that that's had any effect on their life, positive or negative, they're being racist!

WINK: Ohhh-kay. Well. Let's move on. For 300 dollars, who said this: "I speak today as both a citizen of the United States and of the world. My people have sent me here today to speak for them as citizens of the world, which they truly are, for we Americans are drawn from every nationality."

CONTESTANT: Oooh, that Obama! He makes me so mad, kowtowing to foreigners like that!!

WINK: Oh, sorry.

CONTESTANT: I am not a citizen of the world! I'm a citizen of the United States of America! And proud of it!

WINK: Arnold ...

CONTESTANT: I'm with Newt Gingrich on this one, Wink. He said the other day he thinks the entire "citizen of the world" concept is "intellectual nonsense and stunningly dangerous."

WINK: Well, that's very interesting, Arnold, because that quote about being a "citizen of the world" was said by Ronald Reagan.


WINK: Arnold?

CONTESTANT: I don't think I like this game anymore.

WINK: Well, that's all the time we have today. And just remember, the next time Rush and Hannity and all the folks at Fox News tell you that you need to get your knickers in a wad over something someone said, think twice. It may be the exact same thing one of your own heroes said a few years ago. Because you never know



Corey Wilde said...


Randy Johnson said...

Loved the column. The worst term I've heard lately is "reverse racist." That means they're not racist, right?
If you take it literally, yes. But they use to mean Sotomayor, because she's an Hispanic woman, is a racist.
I mean, we all know a racist is a racist. It's not a white thing.

JD Rhoades said...

Randy: exactly. This "Latinos/Blacks/whatever minority you're made at at the moment are the real racists" is proof positive that these people have no shame.

The PaulR said...

So what do I win if I knew the answers?

LongHairedWeirdo said...

I saw this *insanely* good clip of John Stewart comparing and contrasting Republicans talking about Palin and about previous issues of the same nature. E.g., Karl Rove talking about how Kaine was mayor of the *105th* largest US city, and hasn't even completed a single term as governor, when pointing out what a *terrible* VP choice he'd be, because of that paucity of experience.

He, uh, spoke rather differently about that type of experience when it came to Palin. (He didn't mention where Wasilla ranked, sizewise, for some reason.)

It's a shame journalists don't have that kind of memory.