Thursday, August 25, 2005

The George Dubbya Bush Light Bulb Joke

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a
light bulb?


1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner 'Bulb Accomplished';

7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally 'in the dark' the whole time;

8. One to viciously smear No. 7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

The Good Americans

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I’ve come to a momentous decision.

It’s time for me to be a better American.

Yes, I have seen the light. It’s time for me to drop my liberal ways and be more like the good, honest decent people who support our president, and, therefore, our country.

People, for example, like Larry Northern.

You may remember last week I talked a little bit about Cindy Sheehan, the California mom whose son was killed in Iraq. As of this writing, she’s still camped out down in Texas, waiting for Bush to come out and talk to her about what “noble cause” he says her boy’s death was for. One can sort of understand her confusion, seeing as how the Shrub has changed the “noble cause” quite a few times since this crusade began.

Now, it would seem a simple thing for President Bush to come down there, take Cindy back to the front porch, give her a cool glass of lemonade, and say something like, “Look, I know you think I acted disrespectfully last time we met. I’m sorry if I came across that way. That wasn’t my intent at all. I know you disagree with me on this war, but I feel strongly it was the right thing to do and we need to finish it.”

This whole thing would have been over in five minutes, and Dubbya could get on with his five weeks of naps and bike rides.

But n-o-o-o. Bush’s handlers, who have up to now shown pretty good political instincts, have let this thing fester, with more and more news outlets piling on the coverage each day. More mothers of dead servicemen have shown up, and a forest of white crosses, known as Arlington West, has sprung up, with each cross bearing the name of one of the dead.

Larry Northern to the rescue! This great American wasn’t going to take all this public grievin’ lying down, by golly. Why, the president’s just trying to lay back and have a good time! Larry, a real estate agent from Waco, and a darned good American, jumped in his pickup truck in the middle of the night and drove down to Camp Casey, as the protesters’ campsite has become known.

He then fastened a length of pipe to the bumper and knocked 400 crosses down with the truck. He also apparently knocked down 40 American flags that had been draped over the crosses. He was caught because one of the crosses caught in his wheel well and popped a tire, which is yet another bit of proof that (a) there is a God, and (b) He has one heck of a sense of humor. The cops caught up with him down the road and busted him for felony “criminal mischief.”

Ol’ Larry’s a regular Paul Revere, isn’t he? Riding through the night to protect American freedom. Except I don’t think Paul Revere knocked down any memorials to war dead or desecrated any American flags. The wuss.

Among the other examples of great Americans in this story are the people who followed minor-league conservative radio host Mike Gallagher down to Camp Casey for a “counterdemonstration.” They called themselves “Gallagher’s Army,” and Gallagher himself could once be seen on his Web site dressed in a fake officer’s uniform complete with gold braid. (I see he’s since taken that picture down).

Gallagher’s Army, it seems, couldn’t muster up the courage to knock down the crosses or flags, but they can be forgiven for that, I think. It was, after all, broad daylight. Courage can only go so far.

They did, however, line up by the side of the road across from Cindy Sheehan and her supporters (some of whom wrote about it later) and chant “We Don’t Care! We Don’t Care!”

They only did it for about 30 minutes, however. Then they got back on the bus and drove off. Because it’s Texas in the summer and it’s, you know, hot and stuff.

Wow. If there’s anything that says “good American” to me, it’s people who follow a guy who dresses up in a fake Army uniform and who chant “we don’t care” at the parents of soldiers who died in Iraq.

All sarcasm aside, one of the things the wingnut right has tried to smear Sheehan with is her supposed association with the public figures they most love to hate, such as filmmaker Michael Moore. (This, even though the only connection I can see is that Moore posted articles supporting Sheehan on his Web site.)

But I’ve got to tell you, I’d rather be behind someone supported by Michael Moore than someone supported by loonies who run over crosses and flags at midnight and chant “we don’t care” at the mothers of fallen soldiers.

Dusty Rhoades lives, writes, and practices law in Carthage. He says you can “always tell the wingnuts are getting desperate when they play the Michael Moore Card.”