Sunday, December 19, 2010

Heartwarming Letters to Santa

Latest Newspaper Column

Dear Santa: Thank you so much for the gift of the Republican House majority this year. I will try to be a good majority leader. I'm so grateful, it just chokes me up. In fact, it makes me so emotional, I think I'm going to have to go cry again. So if you don't mind, I'd like you to bring me a gross of handkerchiefs and some Visine (it gets the red out).

- John, Washington, D.C.

(Note to staff: Double-check and make sure Johnny doesn't also want us to bring him another 50-gallon drum of fake tanning lotion like last year. - S.)

Dear Santa:

I know a lot of people think I should be on the naughty list for releasing all those State Department cables. But I think we can both overlook each other's little failings, don't you?

I'm sure you know the ones I mean. Like certain documents showing this past January's vacation in Cancun with that trio of Hooters girls a certain jolly bearded fat man met on his trip to the Macy's parade. Ho-ho-ho indeed, eh, Mr. Claus? You know what you need to do.

- Julian, London

(Note to staff: I have no idea what this guy is talking about, I swear. But just to be on the safe side, get that Ferrari to him anyway. - S.)

Dear Mr. Claus:

Greetings from the Transportation Safety Administration! We are sending you this letter to make sure you have plenty of time to bring yourself into compliance with the latest TSA regulations regarding flight into and out of American airspace.

Remember that all liquids and gels must be properly contained in containers no larger than 3.4 ounces, inside a bag no more than one quart, and not more than one such bag may be carried per passenger. The TSA has decided that Play-Doh and Silly Putty are covered under this regulation, so, those are probably out.

In addition, due to the possibility that explosives may be contained inside electronic devices, the TSA will not allow any Xboxes, PS3s, Wiis, etc., to be carried aboard your sleigh without each one undergoing individual inspection, which may involve complete disassembly (but not, regrettably, reassembly).

Finally, please be advised that neither you nor any accompanying elves will be allowed to enter U.S. airspace before passing through a full-body scanner and/or an "enhanced pat-down." While this may result in several million children not receiving Christmas gifts at all, and some having receipt of said gifts delayed until mid-August of 2011, I'm sure you will agree that it's a small price to pay for security.

We apologize for any inconvenience. Well, OK, actually we don't. But, hey, what are you going to do? We've got you by the short hairs, fat boy, and you know it.

- John P., TSA

(Note to staff: We're going to need more coal. And go ahead with that plan to arm the sleigh with Sidewinder missiles. - S.)

My Dear Mr. Claus:

Greetings from His Royal Highness, Prince Charles. The Prince has asked me to convey to you his sincere felicitations for this most joyous of seasons.

The Prince, however, had the serenity of his holiday most grievously disrupted when he and his lady were most rudely accosted by a gang of hooligans while on their way to a show in the West End. Something to do with recent budget cuts, a topic over which the Royal Family has, of course, little control, and, it must be said, little interest.

Therefore, it is His Highness' request that you place said hooligans upon your "naughty" list and forbear from providing them with the customary largesse at this Yuletide season. We trust this request will be honored. On behalf of His Royal Highness, I am, your most humble and obedient servant,

- Chauncey Uppington-Smoot

Royal correspondence secretary

(Note to staff: Geez, you think the fact that this guy's kid is about to have a multimillion-dollar wedding while the country goes broke and college tuition triples might have something to do with why people are cheesed off? Can you guys send Chuck a clue? - S.)

Whatever your holiday wishes are this year, may they all come true.