Sunday, December 20, 2009

Letters to Santa

Latest Newspaper Column:

Dear Santa:

The past couple of months have been pretty rough, as I'm sure you've heard. I know you've probably put me on the naughty list, but I really do need a new 9-iron. And a new SUV. And probably a new house. Help me out here, Santa.

-- Tiger, Boca Raton, Fla.

(Note to Staff: You're doggone right he's on the naughty list. But what can I say? I'm just an old softy. The way Tiger's been living, though, what he really needs is a case of extra-strength penicillin. See if we can make that happen. And as for that 9-iron, send it to Gov. Sanford's wife, with instructions. -- S.)

Dear Santa:

Hiya! Sarah here. Todd and the kids and I have been just all kinds of blessed with good things this year, you betcha. But since you're right nearby and all (I can practically see your place from my house!), if you'd like to swing by on your way out to make your deliveries, what we could really use is

(Note to Staff: Looks like part of the ­letter got cut off. Where's the rest of it? -- S.)

(Note from Staff: Nope, that's it. She apparently quit in the middle of it. -- Hermie the Elf)

Dear Santa:

All I want for Christmas is for people to know what Barack Obama is doing to this country. He's just remaking it into a place that's a kind of a hybrid between France and Venezuela. He's taking the beacon of freedom and turning it into an apologetic, hey, what can you do for me, wannabe European, spread the wealth, socialist wonderland. So I want people to be afraid about the economy. And then I want them to invest in gold. That's just because I love America so much, and not because I'm a paid spokesperson for a company that sells gold. Really.

--Glenn, Fox News

(Note to Staff: This letter was nearly impossible to read because it was soaked with tears. Next time, can we dry it off before it gets to my desk? And send Glenn some new antipsychotic medication. Whatever he's taking now isn't working. -- S.)

Dear Santa:

Greetings from the Senate Democrats! We'll be sending you a Christmas list as soon as Joe Lieberman says it's OK.

-- Harry Reid, Washington, D.C.

(Note to Staff: Can we get Harry a spine? -- S.)

Dear Santa:

Merry Christmas -- yes, that's right, I said Christmas, whether you like it or not -- from the Republican National Committee. We don't care what you bring us, as long as it makes liberals angry.

-- Michael, Washington, D.C.

(Note to Staff: I'd say send them coal, but they'd probably just set fire to it and chuckle about how mad that must make environmentalists. -- S.)

Dear Santa:

We're extremely unhappy with President Obama. He's not giving us the single-payer health-care plan we wanted, he's sending more troops to Afghanistan when we wanted them all brought home, he hasn't pulled all the troops out of Iraq yet, he hasn't legalized same-sex marriage or repealed "don't ask don't tell," and he's not giving the big banks and insurance companies the whipping we think they deserve. In fact, we really don't see any difference between him and George W. Bush. For Christmas, we'd like the Obama we thought we were voting for. And we're not going to stop having tantrums until we get him.

-- The American Left

Dear Santa:

We're extremely unhappy with President Obama. He's trying to force a nationalized socialist health-care plan down our throats, he's not sending enough troops to Afghanistan, he's cutting and running in Iraq, he's promoting the Secret Gay Agenda, and he's trying to regulate the financial sector out of existence. Plus, he bowed to an old Japanese guy. What we want is ... well, we don't know what we want, but we're really really mad. And indignant, also.

-- The American Right

(Note to Staff: Send the president a big-screen TV. If the guy's managed to tick off both the Far Left and the Far Right this badly, he may just be doing something right. -- S.)

Joyeux Noël, y'all!