Friday, November 25, 2005

Interview With Your Humble Blogger, With Colors

Jeff Shelby, author of Killer Swell and one of the fine bloggers over at First Offenders, interviews me via the magic of the Internets. I manage not to make an utter fool of myself. I think.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

A Modern Fable

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Once upon a time there was a village. It was a happy and prosperous place and the envy of all the other villages around it.

Then, one day, the village was attacked by wolves. Several of the people were killed, and the entire village was plunged into mourning.

Then the village shepherd boy spoke up. “We need to go find the wolves in their dens and kill them so this never happens again!” he said.

The villagers loudly agreed and cheered the shepherd boy. They sent their finest and bravest men to that part of the forest where the wolves hid. They killed many in their dens and scattered the rest into the forest. They were going to pursue the wolves and wipe them out, but the shepherd boy said, “Wait! Now we need to go and kill the old bear who lives in another part of the forest!”

“What?” some of the people said. “Why? The old bear isn’t the threat. He's weak and sick. Your own father fought him years ago and left him crippled.”

“The bear is still dangerous!” the shepherd boy insisted. “He’s got long sharp teeth!”

“We doubt that,” some of the villagers said. “His teeth were pulled years ago.”

“I know people who’ve seen his teeth!” the shepherd boy said. “He’s bitten people in the past, hasn’t he? And I know that he’s hiding some of the wolves who escaped!”

“Wait,” the people said, “How do you know that?”

“Someone told me!” the shepherd boy said. When the people still expressed doubt, the shepherd boy grew angry. “The wolf attacks changed everything!” he yelled. “You must want your neighbors to be eaten by wolves! Traitors! Wolf-lovers! Wolf! Wolf!”

The shepherd boy and his friends shouted so long and so loud and were so insistent that anyone who didn't want to attack the bear was putting the village in danger, that eventually the doubters were outvoted. Some even allowed themselves to be convinced by the shepherd boy. So the village’s finest and bravest men went to the old bear's cave with their swords and pikes.

When they got there, the old bear looked up blearily. He wondered why the villagers were coming after him, since he hadn’t left the area around his cave for years. When he saw they were coming to kill him, though, he reared up on his hind legs and tried to fight. He was old and weak and hadn't any teeth, but he was still a bear. The villagers killed him, but a few of them were killed as well.

“Now,” the shepherd boy said triumphantly, “you’ll see I was right about the bear!”

He pulled the dead animal’s lips back to show the villagers his long sharp teeth. But the bear didn’t have any teeth.

“See,” the doubters said, “we were right! The bear was no threat to us! What did those men have to die for?”

The shepherd boy shrugged. “Hey,” he said, “you had the same information I did!”

“What do you mean?” they demanded. “We had the information you told us! By the way, where did you hear that the bear still had teeth? Who told you?”

The shepherd boy shuffled his feet and looked around. “Ummm…” he said “the Town Drunk. “

“What!?” the villagers yelled.

“And the Village Idiot.”

“Are you crazy!? “the people said. “You didn’t tell us that!”

“We’re fighting to the death against the wolves!” the shepherd boy yelled back. “Wolf-lovers! You’re dishonoring these brave men who fought the bear! You’re dishonoring the memory of the people who died in the wolf attacks! Wolf! Wolf!”

Soon things got worse. With the bear gone, some of the remaining wolves actually did come and live in his cave. From there, they raided the surrounding villages and killed many people, including some of the people who lived in the forest.

“Hey,” the shepherd boy's friends said, “Better them than us.”

The people in the surrounding villages began to grumble.

“Who cares what they think?” the shepherd boy’s friends said. “I hear they eat cheese. Ha-Ha! Cheese! That's funny.”

The men of the village had to go into the forest again and again to fight the wolves, and many were killed.

“Because we killed the bear,” the shepherd boy claimed, “we don't have to fight them in the village. They haven’t attacked the village, have they? Huh?”

“That's because we've posted guards at the edge of the forest 24 hours a day, you dolt,” the people responded. “It doesn't have anything to do with the bear.”

“You voted to go after the bear, same as me,” the shepherd boy said smugly.

“Yes,” the people said, “it's our fault.”

“Told you,” the shepherd boy said.

“It's our fault for trusting you.”

“You love wolves, you wolf-lovers! Wolf! Wolf!” the shepherd boy yelled. This time, no one listened. But it was too late.

The moral of the story is: Pick your shepherds carefully or it won’t be the sheep that get fleeced.

Dusty Rhoades lives, writes and practices law in Carthage. He says for the record that he’s not pro-bear.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Ten Movies I HATE

Amy Konig, over on her blog, started a list called 10 Movies I HATE, and, well, it seems to have caught on here in the blogosphere. Atrios and Steve Gilliard chimed in, so I figured, hey, why not me?

Understand that this is not the "worst movies of all time" list...there are plenty of bad movies I enjoy watching just because they're so bad. Top Gun, for instance or Red Dawn. This list is for movies I have a poweful visceral aversion to, movies the very mention of which causes me to instinctively do the "finger down the throat and making gagging noises" gesture. They are, in order:

10. Pretty Woman: It’s hard to come up with new ways to describe why the whole concept of this movie (the hooker as Cinderella) is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

9. The Waterboy: Adam Sandler’s a retarded guy who talks funny. When he gets mad, he knocks people down. That’s it. That’s the joke. It's not funny to begin with, and it doesn't get any funnier.

8. Monster’s Ball: Billy Bob Thornton is a vile racist and an abusive father who drives his son to suicide. Halle Berry is an emotionally abusive mother who mocks her overweight son by calling him "Piggy." They make some feeble stabs at redemption, but at the end of the movie they've both done such horrible things that you despise everyone still left alive, and hate yourself for wasting the time and money on it. Plus, you're subjected to Billy Bob naked.

7. Unbreakable: Unbearable. A superhero film without action. Interesting concept but boringly executed. Even the usually incandescent Samuel L. Jackson seems muffled.

6. Wild Wild West: Wild Wild Waste. This film manages to squander every advantage it had going for it. It had likable and talented actors (Will Smith, Kevin Kline, Kenneth Branaagggh) and a great, campy concept—James Bond in the Old West—that a lot of people who watched the old show had a lot of affection for. And this is what they did with it? Shame. Shame.

5. Godfather III: this makes my list because of the crushing sense of disappointment I felt when first seeing it. It would have been a mediocre gangster film had it not followed Godfathers I and II, two of the greatest works of American film, but in comparison with its predecessors, it is a Foul Reek in the Nostrils of God.

4. Forrest Gump: A wonderfully filmed, technically stunning, well-acted, and heartwarming movie about what a good and noble thing it is to be a half-wit. I actually walked out at the end of this movie thinking it was wonderful. But the more I thought about it, the more pissed off I got.

3. Dune (David Lynch’s version): One of the greatest science fiction novels of all time, and Lynch manages to get just about everything wrong. To be fair, I understand Lynch really didn’t want to make it and only agreed to do so to get financing for Blue Velvet. The TV version is more faithful to the book, yet still somehow manages to reek, largely due to the flat acting and hilarious costume design.

2. Very Bad Things: an alleged comedy about a group of guys who go to a bachelor party in Vegas, accidentally kill the hooker they've hired, and spend the rest of the movie trying to dispose of the body and cover up the crime. I have no problem with dark, gruesome of my favorite movies of all time is Pulp Fiction and the woodchipper scene in Fargo leaves me howling every time. But this is just hideous, without a trace of wit or style.

And the number one movie I love to hate is…may I have the envelope please?

1. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace: Jar Jar Binks. Midochlorians. 'Nuff said.

Note: I considered Battlefield Earth, but I’ve never seen it all the way through. I literally cannot sit through more than fifteen minutes of it.