"I have monkeys in my pants."
LOS ANGELES (Court TV) - When the rare birds of paradise escaped from his suitcase and flew over the heads of U.S. Customs Agents at Los Angeles International Airport, Robert Cusack decided it was best to confess that, yes, he did have more to declare.
"I have monkeys in my pants," Cusack told the agents.
Cusack, 49, had just gotten off a plane from Thailand and was immediately taken into custody.
Two endangered slow loris pygmy monkeys were rescued from Cusack's underwear.
For attempting to smuggle four birds of paradise, two lorises and 50 rare orchids into the United States on June 13, 2002, Cusack served five and a half months in prison and paid $1,200 in fines.
I'm not sure I even want to know where the orchids were hidden.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Hello, Tech Support? My Talking Points Don't Work Anymore
Latest Newspaper Column:
The other morning, I was drinking my coffee and reading the news. That was when I saw the story.
I stopped, frozen in shock, my cup halfway to my lips. I put down the coffee cup, picked up the phone, and dialed a number I knew by heart.
After one ring, a recorded voice answered.
"Thank you for calling Republican Technical Support. All of our service representatives are either with other customers or testifying before a grand jury. Please stay on the line."
I waited, sipping my coffee and listening to a bright, perky Muzak version of Toby Keith's "The Angry American." After a long wait, another mechanical voice came on.
"If you'd like to complain about liberal media, Press 1. If you'd like to convey a message to the president about how great he is, press 2. For the latest Republican buzzword or talking point, press 3. For all other matters, please press 4. If you're experiencing a hurricane or other natural disaster, please call back later."
I thought a moment, then pressed 4. There was another long wait.
"Republican Technical Support," a man finally said. "What is the nature of your problem?"
"Have you seen them?" I demanded. "Have you seen them?!"
"Seen what, sir?"
"Those news stories! About this report from the Senate Intelligence Committee!"
"Oh. Those news stories. What about them?"
"What do you mean what about them? The Senate Intelligence Committee has said there was never any connection between that al-Qaida guy Zarqawi and Saddam Hussein before the Iraq war! It even says Saddam didn't trust Islamic extremists and wanted them locked up!"
"Is that a problem?"
"Is that a problem? Isn't the fact that Hussein was harboring al-Qaida fugitives and was going to give them WMDs one of the reasons we invaded Iraq? Actually, isn't it one of the few remaining justifications we have left?"
"I don't know, let me check."
The next words were muffled, as if the guy on the other end had his hand over the receiver.
"Hey, Sanjay! What was the reason they invaded Iraq again? No, that was three months ago. Look at the updated manual."
I could hear an even more muffled reply.
"Yup, that's the reason," the cheerful rep said when he came back. "Zarqawi and Saddam, buddies for life."
"But now that's... hey, wait a minute. Who's Sanjay?"
"My supervisor."
"Where are you guys, anyway?"
"Bangalore... uh, I mean, Omaha. Yeah, that's it. Omaha. You know, Iowa."
"Omaha's in Nebraska."
"Yeah. Nebraska. That's what I meant."
"Oh. My. God. The Republicans outsourced their tech support to India?"
"No, no, we're in Nebraska. I swear it. Whoopie tie-yie-yay. Whee doggies."
"You're not... never mind. What am I supposed to do here? I'm new at this Republican business. I've been with the Party only a few months. I need your help. The justifications for the Iraq war are broken. How do I fix them?"
"Hang on, let me look it up."
There was a rustling of papers.
"OK, you could say what the White House press secretary said."
"Which was?"
"This is old news. Move along. Nothing to see here."
"Does that work?"
"I don't see how," he admitted. "Wait, have you tried doing what the vice president did? When he was on 'Meet The Press' after the report came out, he just kept saying there was a relationship between Zarquawi and Saddam. When Tim Russert brought the report up, Cheney just blew it off and said he hadn't read it."
"He hadn't read it? He actually said that?"
"Pretty slick, huh?"
"If slick is the word in your native language for stupid, then yeah."
"Wait, here's another one. Condoleezza Rice, on 'Fox News Sunday.' 'There were ties between Iraq and al-Qaida.' Looks like the official fix for your problem is just to pretend the report never happened."
"You mean I'm supposed to just ignore this report that says that, rather than being a supporter of al-Qaida, Saddam Hussein, and this is a quote: 'was distrustful of al-Qaida and viewed Islamic extremists as a threat to his regime'? You want me to ignore the fact that the report states that Saddam wanted to lock Zarqawi up, not give him a nuclear weapon? You want me to just keep saying the same old things, even though those have been discredited?"
"That's the ticket."
"So the 'fix' you propose is just to totally ignore reality?"
"Actually, the official technical term for that is 'staying the course.'"
I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. I was beginning to get a headache. "I'm not sure I can do that."
His voice turned suspicious. "Are you sure you're a Republican?"
"I'm trying," I said. "I really am."
"Well, there's the old standby. You can accuse the committee of partisanship and politicizing the war in an election year. Then, maybe throw in some wisecrack about Alec Baldwin or Michael Moore."
"The partisanship thing won't work," I said morosely. "It's a Republican-controlled committee in a Republican-controlled Senate."
"Wait, I thought they fixed that."
"Not yet," I said. "Not yet."
The other morning, I was drinking my coffee and reading the news. That was when I saw the story.
I stopped, frozen in shock, my cup halfway to my lips. I put down the coffee cup, picked up the phone, and dialed a number I knew by heart.
After one ring, a recorded voice answered.
"Thank you for calling Republican Technical Support. All of our service representatives are either with other customers or testifying before a grand jury. Please stay on the line."
I waited, sipping my coffee and listening to a bright, perky Muzak version of Toby Keith's "The Angry American." After a long wait, another mechanical voice came on.
"If you'd like to complain about liberal media, Press 1. If you'd like to convey a message to the president about how great he is, press 2. For the latest Republican buzzword or talking point, press 3. For all other matters, please press 4. If you're experiencing a hurricane or other natural disaster, please call back later."
I thought a moment, then pressed 4. There was another long wait.
"Republican Technical Support," a man finally said. "What is the nature of your problem?"
"Have you seen them?" I demanded. "Have you seen them?!"
"Seen what, sir?"
"Those news stories! About this report from the Senate Intelligence Committee!"
"Oh. Those news stories. What about them?"
"What do you mean what about them? The Senate Intelligence Committee has said there was never any connection between that al-Qaida guy Zarqawi and Saddam Hussein before the Iraq war! It even says Saddam didn't trust Islamic extremists and wanted them locked up!"
"Is that a problem?"
"Is that a problem? Isn't the fact that Hussein was harboring al-Qaida fugitives and was going to give them WMDs one of the reasons we invaded Iraq? Actually, isn't it one of the few remaining justifications we have left?"
"I don't know, let me check."
The next words were muffled, as if the guy on the other end had his hand over the receiver.
"Hey, Sanjay! What was the reason they invaded Iraq again? No, that was three months ago. Look at the updated manual."
I could hear an even more muffled reply.
"Yup, that's the reason," the cheerful rep said when he came back. "Zarqawi and Saddam, buddies for life."
"But now that's... hey, wait a minute. Who's Sanjay?"
"My supervisor."
"Where are you guys, anyway?"
"Bangalore... uh, I mean, Omaha. Yeah, that's it. Omaha. You know, Iowa."
"Omaha's in Nebraska."
"Yeah. Nebraska. That's what I meant."
"Oh. My. God. The Republicans outsourced their tech support to India?"
"No, no, we're in Nebraska. I swear it. Whoopie tie-yie-yay. Whee doggies."
"You're not... never mind. What am I supposed to do here? I'm new at this Republican business. I've been with the Party only a few months. I need your help. The justifications for the Iraq war are broken. How do I fix them?"
"Hang on, let me look it up."
There was a rustling of papers.
"OK, you could say what the White House press secretary said."
"Which was?"
"This is old news. Move along. Nothing to see here."
"Does that work?"
"I don't see how," he admitted. "Wait, have you tried doing what the vice president did? When he was on 'Meet The Press' after the report came out, he just kept saying there was a relationship between Zarquawi and Saddam. When Tim Russert brought the report up, Cheney just blew it off and said he hadn't read it."
"He hadn't read it? He actually said that?"
"Pretty slick, huh?"
"If slick is the word in your native language for stupid, then yeah."
"Wait, here's another one. Condoleezza Rice, on 'Fox News Sunday.' 'There were ties between Iraq and al-Qaida.' Looks like the official fix for your problem is just to pretend the report never happened."
"You mean I'm supposed to just ignore this report that says that, rather than being a supporter of al-Qaida, Saddam Hussein, and this is a quote: 'was distrustful of al-Qaida and viewed Islamic extremists as a threat to his regime'? You want me to ignore the fact that the report states that Saddam wanted to lock Zarqawi up, not give him a nuclear weapon? You want me to just keep saying the same old things, even though those have been discredited?"
"That's the ticket."
"So the 'fix' you propose is just to totally ignore reality?"
"Actually, the official technical term for that is 'staying the course.'"
I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. I was beginning to get a headache. "I'm not sure I can do that."
His voice turned suspicious. "Are you sure you're a Republican?"
"I'm trying," I said. "I really am."
"Well, there's the old standby. You can accuse the committee of partisanship and politicizing the war in an election year. Then, maybe throw in some wisecrack about Alec Baldwin or Michael Moore."
"The partisanship thing won't work," I said morosely. "It's a Republican-controlled committee in a Republican-controlled Senate."
"Wait, I thought they fixed that."
"Not yet," I said. "Not yet."
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Contempt For Competence
From washingtonpost.com:
After the fall of Saddam Hussein's government in April 2003, the opportunity to participate in the U.S.-led effort to reconstruct Iraq attracted all manner of Americans -- restless professionals, Arabic-speaking academics, development specialists and war-zone adventurers. But before they could go to Baghdad, they had to get past Jim O'Beirne's office in the Pentagon.
To pass muster with O'Beirne, a political appointee who screens prospective political appointees for Defense Department posts, applicants didn't need to be experts in the Middle East or in post-conflict reconstruction. What they needed to be was a member of the Republican Party.
O'Beirne's staff posed blunt questions about domestic politics: Did you vote for George W. Bush in 2000? Do you support the way the president is fighting the war on terror? Two people who sought jobs with the U.S. occupation authority said they were even asked their views on Roe v. Wade .
Many of those chosen by O'Beirne's office to work for the Coalition Provisional Authority, which ran Iraq's government from April 2003 to June 2004, lacked vital skills and experience. A 24-year-old who had never worked in finance -- but had applied for a White House job -- was sent to reopen Baghdad's stock exchange. The daughter of a prominent neoconservative commentator and a recent graduate from an evangelical university for home-schooled children were tapped to manage Iraq's $13 billion budget, even though they didn't have a background in accounting.
More...much more...at the link. Like this nugget:
To recruit the people he wanted, O'Beirne sought résumés from the offices of Republican congressmen, conservative think tanks and GOP activists. He discarded applications from those his staff deemed ideologically suspect, even if the applicants possessed Arabic language skills or postwar rebuilding experience.
And this:
CPA staff members weren't worried about employment prospects after Baghdad. "Oh, I'll just work on the campaign" -- the Bush-Cheney reelection campaign -- several said.
"I'm not here for the Iraqis," one worker noted over lunch. "I'm here for George Bush."
The Katrina debacle was not an isolated incident. Both that humanitarian disaster and the current mess in Iraq are a direct result of not just incompetence, but actual contempt for competence by this Administration. "Who cares if you know how to do the job? The important thing is that you think right thoughts. Tell me your position on abortion."
After the fall of Saddam Hussein's government in April 2003, the opportunity to participate in the U.S.-led effort to reconstruct Iraq attracted all manner of Americans -- restless professionals, Arabic-speaking academics, development specialists and war-zone adventurers. But before they could go to Baghdad, they had to get past Jim O'Beirne's office in the Pentagon.
To pass muster with O'Beirne, a political appointee who screens prospective political appointees for Defense Department posts, applicants didn't need to be experts in the Middle East or in post-conflict reconstruction. What they needed to be was a member of the Republican Party.
O'Beirne's staff posed blunt questions about domestic politics: Did you vote for George W. Bush in 2000? Do you support the way the president is fighting the war on terror? Two people who sought jobs with the U.S. occupation authority said they were even asked their views on Roe v. Wade .
Many of those chosen by O'Beirne's office to work for the Coalition Provisional Authority, which ran Iraq's government from April 2003 to June 2004, lacked vital skills and experience. A 24-year-old who had never worked in finance -- but had applied for a White House job -- was sent to reopen Baghdad's stock exchange. The daughter of a prominent neoconservative commentator and a recent graduate from an evangelical university for home-schooled children were tapped to manage Iraq's $13 billion budget, even though they didn't have a background in accounting.
More...much more...at the link. Like this nugget:
To recruit the people he wanted, O'Beirne sought résumés from the offices of Republican congressmen, conservative think tanks and GOP activists. He discarded applications from those his staff deemed ideologically suspect, even if the applicants possessed Arabic language skills or postwar rebuilding experience.
And this:
CPA staff members weren't worried about employment prospects after Baghdad. "Oh, I'll just work on the campaign" -- the Bush-Cheney reelection campaign -- several said.
"I'm not here for the Iraqis," one worker noted over lunch. "I'm here for George Bush."
The Katrina debacle was not an isolated incident. Both that humanitarian disaster and the current mess in Iraq are a direct result of not just incompetence, but actual contempt for competence by this Administration. "Who cares if you know how to do the job? The important thing is that you think right thoughts. Tell me your position on abortion."
Friday, September 15, 2006
Jack Keller Feels Your Pain, Dog
Bounty Hunter Duane 'Dog' Chapman arrested in Hawaii
By MARK NIESSE, Associated Press WriterFri Sep 15, 8:31 AM ET
TV reality star Duane "Dog" Chapman and two co-stars on his show were arrested Thursday in Hawaii on charges of illegal detention and conspiracy in the bounty hunters' capture three years ago of a cosmetics company heir.
Chapman, son Leland Chapman and associate Timothy Chapman were taken into custody and did not resist arrest, said Mark Hanohano, U.S. Marshal for the district of Hawaii. "It went down without incident," Hanohano said.
Mona K. Wood, a publicist for the star of the popular cable series "Dog The Bounty Hunter," said Chapman would be vindicated. "He arrests the bad guys — and he is definitely not one of them," she said.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
A New Low
Rick Santorum Hides Behind His Kids In a Political Ad:
From FactCheck.org:
Pennsylvania Republican Sen. Rick Santorum shows his children claiming that political opponents have criticized him 'for moving us to Washington,' and that 'they criticized us for attending a Pennsylvania public school over the Internet.' In fact, the critique was of Santorum, not his children. And the controversy was over money, not Santorum's family values.
The ad is Santorum's response to accusations by local officials that he exploited a Pennsylvania program that paid tens of thousands of dollars in tuition for his children to be educated via a publicly supported Internet charter school while the family was living in Virginia.
n the ad 13-year-old Johnny Santorum says "My dad's opponents have criticized him for moving us to Washington so we could be with him more." And 11-year-old Daniel Santorum adds that "they criticized us for attending a Pennsylvania public school over the Internet."
From FactCheck.org:
Pennsylvania Republican Sen. Rick Santorum shows his children claiming that political opponents have criticized him 'for moving us to Washington,' and that 'they criticized us for attending a Pennsylvania public school over the Internet.' In fact, the critique was of Santorum, not his children. And the controversy was over money, not Santorum's family values.
The ad is Santorum's response to accusations by local officials that he exploited a Pennsylvania program that paid tens of thousands of dollars in tuition for his children to be educated via a publicly supported Internet charter school while the family was living in Virginia.
n the ad 13-year-old Johnny Santorum says "My dad's opponents have criticized him for moving us to Washington so we could be with him more." And 11-year-old Daniel Santorum adds that "they criticized us for attending a Pennsylvania public school over the Internet."
That misstates matters. The criticism wasn't of Santorum's children, but of the senator himself. And it was not over moving the children to be near him, nor was it about choosing "public school" or "the Internet." Rather, it concerned whether Pennsylvania taxpayers should foot a very substantial bill for the Santorum brood's education-via-Internet from a Virginia suburb of Washington, DC
(More at the link)
Lying in a campaign ad is expected. Trotting your kids out to do it for you in a cheap sympathy ploy is a half-mile below despicable.
Monday, September 11, 2006
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