Thursday, February 24, 2011
Lawyers, Guns and Money NOW FOR THE NOOK!
Lawyers, Guns and Money is now live at BN.com for all you Nookies. (Nookites? Nookers?) Coming soon for the iPad!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Get LAWYERS GUNS AND MONEY Now!
Lawyers, Guns and Money for Kindle
And for other formats (new ones being added)
Andy Cole, small town criminal lawyer and general go-along guy, has built a successful practice defending criminal offenders - and making sure he is paid in advance. But this easy, lucrative professional life changes forever when Danny Fairgreen, the white sheep of the notorious Fairgreen clan, is arrested for murdering a barmaid, and Andy agrees to represent him--for a price.
But an unknown someone wants Danny convicted -- bad -- and starts putting the screws to Andy. At first, the pressure is subtle, but it grows ever more ever more intense until Andy is faced with an unspeakable choice: Go along once again and send an innocent man to death row, or step up to the plate and risk losing everything--including his own life and the life of the woman he loves.
And for other formats (new ones being added)
Andy Cole, small town criminal lawyer and general go-along guy, has built a successful practice defending criminal offenders - and making sure he is paid in advance. But this easy, lucrative professional life changes forever when Danny Fairgreen, the white sheep of the notorious Fairgreen clan, is arrested for murdering a barmaid, and Andy agrees to represent him--for a price.
But an unknown someone wants Danny convicted -- bad -- and starts putting the screws to Andy. At first, the pressure is subtle, but it grows ever more ever more intense until Andy is faced with an unspeakable choice: Go along once again and send an innocent man to death row, or step up to the plate and risk losing everything--including his own life and the life of the woman he loves.
Monday, February 21, 2011
BEHOLD!
The new cover for my upcoming e-book, LAWYERS GUNS AND MONEY!
Thanks to Jeroen ten Berge for his patience as we worked this one up. The book itself should be live in a couple of days on Amazon (for Kindle) and Smashwords (for other e-readers)
Sunday, February 20, 2011
'Beverage of the Friends of God'
Latest Newspaper Column: The Pilot
So there's this drink called "5 Hour Energy." It comes in a little bitty bottle you can buy almost everywhere, and it purports to have "zero sugar," thus avoiding the sugar crash you can suffer if you eat candy or guzzle soft drinks to try to pep yourself up. One shot, the ads promise, and you'll be over that mid-afternoon slump with which we are all familiar.
So far, so good. I've been tempted to try the stuff myself, since the legal profession frowns on the sanest and most logical way to get oneself over the mid-afternoon slump, which is a quick nap. Or sleeping till noon.
Then the folks who make "5 Hour Energy" started running ads promoting the use of their concoction in the mornings as a substitute for coffee. According to the ads, coffee is just too expensive to buy, takes too long, and is just generally too much trouble. Why not just gulp down our magic elixir, the ads suggest, and do away with all the hassle?
Boy, these people really do not understand the point of coffee.
Oh, sure, the energy boost is a big part of it. While I am not one of those surly types like the guy in the McDonald's ad I wrote about a couple of weeks ago (the jerk who says "don't even talk to me before I've had my coffee"), I do greatly appreciate the caffeinated jump-start a cup of coffee provides. As someone once wrote, "There may be life before coffee, but it is not necessarily intelligent life."
But there's so much more to a good cup of coffee than that. There's the aroma, for one thing. Is there any more pleasant smell to wake up to than the rich bouquet of a pot of coffee wafting its way from the kitchen? It just draws you out of bed and down the hall, and it's particularly nice when it's all hot and ready because someone's already made a fresh pot. (Thanks, honey.)
Then there's the flavor. Ah, the flavor.
Coffee comes in a number of varieties, from all over the world, and caffeine-iacs can get as pretentious and annoying as some wine buffs, discussing the relative merits of Jamaican Blue Mountain over Kona over Sulawesi, and on and on. Some get all excited over their gear - grinders, presses, mills, etc.
All of that foolishness becomes just so much background noise to me once I take that first, hot, richly flavored sip of good, black coffee. Yes, I take mine black, or maybe with just a little sugar.
I confess, I used to be a bit of a reverse snob about it. I used to sneer, "If you want a cup of cream and sugar, why'd you ask for coffee?" I've mellowed a bit with age and experience (and lots of coffee), so I tend to be tolerant these days of those who take theirs with a bit of cream, a shot of frothy milk, even fancy coffee-shop additives like vanilla or nutmeg or caramel.
But as for me, I just love the unadulterated taste of well-made coffee, that complexity of taste, that hint of bite, the feel of it going down and warming me up from the inside out. Ambrosia.
As for its effects, while I have no actual empirical evidence or studies that prove coffee makes you smarter - well, let's just say it's one of those things that coffee drinkers just know. And we know it because we drink coffee and are therefore smarter. See how it works?
An anonymous Arab poet once wrote about coffee: "This is the beverage of the friends of God; it gives health to those in its service who strive after wisdom." French novelist and playwright Honore de Balzac wrote, "When we drink coffee, ideas march in like the army ... things remembered arrive at full gallop ... the shafts of wit start up like sharp-shooters, similes arise, the paper is covered with ink."
Let's see your tiny little bottle full of fancy-schmancy energy drink duplicate that.
So there's this drink called "5 Hour Energy." It comes in a little bitty bottle you can buy almost everywhere, and it purports to have "zero sugar," thus avoiding the sugar crash you can suffer if you eat candy or guzzle soft drinks to try to pep yourself up. One shot, the ads promise, and you'll be over that mid-afternoon slump with which we are all familiar.
So far, so good. I've been tempted to try the stuff myself, since the legal profession frowns on the sanest and most logical way to get oneself over the mid-afternoon slump, which is a quick nap. Or sleeping till noon.
Then the folks who make "5 Hour Energy" started running ads promoting the use of their concoction in the mornings as a substitute for coffee. According to the ads, coffee is just too expensive to buy, takes too long, and is just generally too much trouble. Why not just gulp down our magic elixir, the ads suggest, and do away with all the hassle?
Boy, these people really do not understand the point of coffee.
Oh, sure, the energy boost is a big part of it. While I am not one of those surly types like the guy in the McDonald's ad I wrote about a couple of weeks ago (the jerk who says "don't even talk to me before I've had my coffee"), I do greatly appreciate the caffeinated jump-start a cup of coffee provides. As someone once wrote, "There may be life before coffee, but it is not necessarily intelligent life."
But there's so much more to a good cup of coffee than that. There's the aroma, for one thing. Is there any more pleasant smell to wake up to than the rich bouquet of a pot of coffee wafting its way from the kitchen? It just draws you out of bed and down the hall, and it's particularly nice when it's all hot and ready because someone's already made a fresh pot. (Thanks, honey.)
Then there's the flavor. Ah, the flavor.
Coffee comes in a number of varieties, from all over the world, and caffeine-iacs can get as pretentious and annoying as some wine buffs, discussing the relative merits of Jamaican Blue Mountain over Kona over Sulawesi, and on and on. Some get all excited over their gear - grinders, presses, mills, etc.
All of that foolishness becomes just so much background noise to me once I take that first, hot, richly flavored sip of good, black coffee. Yes, I take mine black, or maybe with just a little sugar.
I confess, I used to be a bit of a reverse snob about it. I used to sneer, "If you want a cup of cream and sugar, why'd you ask for coffee?" I've mellowed a bit with age and experience (and lots of coffee), so I tend to be tolerant these days of those who take theirs with a bit of cream, a shot of frothy milk, even fancy coffee-shop additives like vanilla or nutmeg or caramel.
But as for me, I just love the unadulterated taste of well-made coffee, that complexity of taste, that hint of bite, the feel of it going down and warming me up from the inside out. Ambrosia.
As for its effects, while I have no actual empirical evidence or studies that prove coffee makes you smarter - well, let's just say it's one of those things that coffee drinkers just know. And we know it because we drink coffee and are therefore smarter. See how it works?
An anonymous Arab poet once wrote about coffee: "This is the beverage of the friends of God; it gives health to those in its service who strive after wisdom." French novelist and playwright Honore de Balzac wrote, "When we drink coffee, ideas march in like the army ... things remembered arrive at full gallop ... the shafts of wit start up like sharp-shooters, similes arise, the paper is covered with ink."
Let's see your tiny little bottle full of fancy-schmancy energy drink duplicate that.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Egypt and The Underpants Gnomes
Latest Newspaper Column- The Pilot
Several people have asked me, with varying degrees of courtesy, "So when are you going to write something about Egypt?"
Problem is, every time I sit down to write about the situation there, something new happens. That's always the challenge with a story like this: The stuff I turn in by my deadline may be as obsolete as an eight-track tape by Sunday when you read it.
I had, for example, already written and e-mailed a column wondering whether Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak was going to resign. Then he did it. Which leads us to the inevitable question: What now?
On one of the more surreal episodes of the TV Show "South Park," there were these creatures called the Underpants Gnomes, whom one of the minor characters blamed for sneaking into his room and stealing his underwear.
All of the other kids thought he was nuts, until it turned out that there actually were gnomes stealing underwear, and, being gnomes, they hoped to make money off it. Unfortunately, the gnomes' business plan was more than a little vague, in that it consisted of three steps. Step One: Collect underpants. Step Two: ??? Step Three: Profit!
A lot of the pontificating about Egypt during this uprising has reminded me of the Underpants Gnomes. The "plans" I've been hearing seem to be, basically - Step One: Mubarak leaves and takes his corrupt cronies with him. Step Two: ??? Step Three: Democracy!
I wish it was that easy. Now that Mubarak seems to have seen the light and headed for the beach, probably with his suitcases full of bullion, I sincerely hope we see free and fair elections, leading to an open, transparent, and democratic government that's benevolent to its people, as well as peaceful towards its neighbors and toward the U.S.
I also hope that John Grisham will read one of my books and tell his publisher, "Hey, this Rhoades guy's the true and honest voice that American fiction has been looking for. Give him a seven-figure contract or I walk." I'm not, however, making all my plans on the assumption that either one is going to happen.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no Mubarak fan. I didn't shed a tear when he announced that he didn't intend to run again in one of the rigged elections that have kept him in power all these years. The guy's a thug who imprisons and tortures political opponents. The people who were advocating that we prop up Mubarak on the grounds that "he may be an s.o.b, but he's our s.o.b." seem to have forgotten that history has not been particularly kind to that doctrine.
But the people insisting that the American president needs to "manage" this situation, while armchair-quarterbacking every decision, are just as blind to the lessons of history. The situation is complicated further by the lack of a clear opposition leader. Every time someone seems to be rising to that position, like Nobel laureate Mohammad El-Baradei or former Google exec Wael Ghonim, I read a dozen interviews with protesters claiming, "He doesn't speak for us; this is a popular uprising."
Well, that's fine. I'm all for people taking to the streets to demand their rights. But then, who do they plan to run in these open elections we all hope for? With no clear opponent, and the looming specter of a nation of 80 million-plus people with no one at the helm, Mubarak appears to have delegated authority to the military.
Lovely. I'm just hoping we haven't seen the fall of one strongman who'll just be replaced by another. Toppling a dictator is great, but revolutions can quickly turn messy and unpredictable, and they don't always lead to a free society. Ask the French. Or the Russians.
Mubarak is gone, and that's unquestionably good for the people of Egypt. But now they, and we, need to move carefully and thoughtfully. The path between dictatorship and democracy isn't a paved road. It's a tightrope, especially in the Middle East, a place where so many of the West's good intentions (and a fair amount of our bad ones) have gone badly awry.
Frustrating as it may be, there may be little that we, or anyone outside Egypt, can do to influence what happens, other than encourage the forces of reform and wish them luck.
Several people have asked me, with varying degrees of courtesy, "So when are you going to write something about Egypt?"
Problem is, every time I sit down to write about the situation there, something new happens. That's always the challenge with a story like this: The stuff I turn in by my deadline may be as obsolete as an eight-track tape by Sunday when you read it.
I had, for example, already written and e-mailed a column wondering whether Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak was going to resign. Then he did it. Which leads us to the inevitable question: What now?
On one of the more surreal episodes of the TV Show "South Park," there were these creatures called the Underpants Gnomes, whom one of the minor characters blamed for sneaking into his room and stealing his underwear.
All of the other kids thought he was nuts, until it turned out that there actually were gnomes stealing underwear, and, being gnomes, they hoped to make money off it. Unfortunately, the gnomes' business plan was more than a little vague, in that it consisted of three steps. Step One: Collect underpants. Step Two: ??? Step Three: Profit!
A lot of the pontificating about Egypt during this uprising has reminded me of the Underpants Gnomes. The "plans" I've been hearing seem to be, basically - Step One: Mubarak leaves and takes his corrupt cronies with him. Step Two: ??? Step Three: Democracy!
I wish it was that easy. Now that Mubarak seems to have seen the light and headed for the beach, probably with his suitcases full of bullion, I sincerely hope we see free and fair elections, leading to an open, transparent, and democratic government that's benevolent to its people, as well as peaceful towards its neighbors and toward the U.S.
I also hope that John Grisham will read one of my books and tell his publisher, "Hey, this Rhoades guy's the true and honest voice that American fiction has been looking for. Give him a seven-figure contract or I walk." I'm not, however, making all my plans on the assumption that either one is going to happen.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no Mubarak fan. I didn't shed a tear when he announced that he didn't intend to run again in one of the rigged elections that have kept him in power all these years. The guy's a thug who imprisons and tortures political opponents. The people who were advocating that we prop up Mubarak on the grounds that "he may be an s.o.b, but he's our s.o.b." seem to have forgotten that history has not been particularly kind to that doctrine.
But the people insisting that the American president needs to "manage" this situation, while armchair-quarterbacking every decision, are just as blind to the lessons of history. The situation is complicated further by the lack of a clear opposition leader. Every time someone seems to be rising to that position, like Nobel laureate Mohammad El-Baradei or former Google exec Wael Ghonim, I read a dozen interviews with protesters claiming, "He doesn't speak for us; this is a popular uprising."
Well, that's fine. I'm all for people taking to the streets to demand their rights. But then, who do they plan to run in these open elections we all hope for? With no clear opponent, and the looming specter of a nation of 80 million-plus people with no one at the helm, Mubarak appears to have delegated authority to the military.
Lovely. I'm just hoping we haven't seen the fall of one strongman who'll just be replaced by another. Toppling a dictator is great, but revolutions can quickly turn messy and unpredictable, and they don't always lead to a free society. Ask the French. Or the Russians.
Mubarak is gone, and that's unquestionably good for the people of Egypt. But now they, and we, need to move carefully and thoughtfully. The path between dictatorship and democracy isn't a paved road. It's a tightrope, especially in the Middle East, a place where so many of the West's good intentions (and a fair amount of our bad ones) have gone badly awry.
Frustrating as it may be, there may be little that we, or anyone outside Egypt, can do to influence what happens, other than encourage the forces of reform and wish them luck.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Commercials I Just Don't Get, Redux
Latest Newspaper Column: The Pilot
I've mentioned before how I just don't seem to be on the same wavelength as the people who make TV commercials. Maybe I'm just not hip enough, but there are some that leave me scratching my head and trying to figure out, "How or why is this -supposed to make me want this product?"
Take, for instance, the commercial for the cell phone company where the blank-faced woman stuffs her child into a pet carrier to get the child on a plane cheap, explaining to the audience with a creepy lack of emotion that she needs to save money to pay her cell phone charges.
She's then accosted by a pair of equally creepy baggage handlers who look and speak like aliens who are trying to pass as human and failing badly at it. They tell the woman she can get cheap phone service from their company, before further confirming their alienness by failing to realize that the person speaking from inside the tiny cage is a human child and not a talking dog.
The same company used to run an ad where two talking pigs were enjoying a large plate of ham in a restaurant, explaining that what they're doing isn't as wrong as -paying high cell phone bills. Apparently, there's an ad agency out there that thinks child abuse, cannibalism and creepy humanoids are a hilarious way to peddle cell phone service.
I do not want to meet these people. Ever.
On the subject of phones, I'm glad that Apple's iPhone is soon going to start working with Verizon's phone network. But that ad with all the ticking clocks and people watching them, tapping their fingers, anxiously awaiting the exact second when they can have a choice of which company drops their calls, does not make me want to get either an iPhone or Verizon's service. It makes me want to tell these people they really need to get a life.
Then there's the commercial for McDonald's coffee in which the young hipster-looking dude with the scruffy beard rudely and repeatedly tells everyone, including a passing dog, "Don't even talk to me before I've had my coffee."
Look, I like my cup of coffee in the morning. I like it more than just about anyone I know. And I have to say, Mickey D's makes a surprisingly good cup of Java. But I've got to tell you, this commercial does -nothing except make me want to smack that guy in his pretentious hipster face. Think you're too good to talk to people in the morning, you little douchebag? Well, have a little talk with the back of my hand.
Also, I'd like to say a word or two about those Hyundai commercials where everyone who's not driving a Hyundai is a sheep. Hey, Hyundai? Here's a news flash. You don't make me want to buy your car by being smug and condescending. Just the opposite, in fact.
Oh, and here's a message to the folks at Charmin: those commercials for toilet tissue with the bears in the woods? We got the joke a long time ago, guys. Bears. Bodily functions. Woods. Really, we get it. It's just tiresome now, when it's not gross. Let it go.
While we're at it, let's face facts: Chester the Cheetos Cheetah has jumped the shark. He was kind of amusing when he was inciting put-upon young women to exact revenge. But when he starts enticing grown men into forts made out of mattresses, it's more than a little disturbing.
And what's the deal with the commercial where Chester and a female music store employee are tormenting another employee - who is, it should be noted, actually eating Cheetos - by playing "Chopsticks" over and over? What message does this send? "Eat our product and we'll still be a jerk to you"? It's almost enough to make me want to boycott Cheetos. Almost.
Tonight is, of course, the Super Bowl, which, among many other things, is the time when advertisers roll out a whole bunch of new commercials.
I probably won't get most of them, either.
I've mentioned before how I just don't seem to be on the same wavelength as the people who make TV commercials. Maybe I'm just not hip enough, but there are some that leave me scratching my head and trying to figure out, "How or why is this -supposed to make me want this product?"
Take, for instance, the commercial for the cell phone company where the blank-faced woman stuffs her child into a pet carrier to get the child on a plane cheap, explaining to the audience with a creepy lack of emotion that she needs to save money to pay her cell phone charges.
She's then accosted by a pair of equally creepy baggage handlers who look and speak like aliens who are trying to pass as human and failing badly at it. They tell the woman she can get cheap phone service from their company, before further confirming their alienness by failing to realize that the person speaking from inside the tiny cage is a human child and not a talking dog.
The same company used to run an ad where two talking pigs were enjoying a large plate of ham in a restaurant, explaining that what they're doing isn't as wrong as -paying high cell phone bills. Apparently, there's an ad agency out there that thinks child abuse, cannibalism and creepy humanoids are a hilarious way to peddle cell phone service.
I do not want to meet these people. Ever.
On the subject of phones, I'm glad that Apple's iPhone is soon going to start working with Verizon's phone network. But that ad with all the ticking clocks and people watching them, tapping their fingers, anxiously awaiting the exact second when they can have a choice of which company drops their calls, does not make me want to get either an iPhone or Verizon's service. It makes me want to tell these people they really need to get a life.
Then there's the commercial for McDonald's coffee in which the young hipster-looking dude with the scruffy beard rudely and repeatedly tells everyone, including a passing dog, "Don't even talk to me before I've had my coffee."
Look, I like my cup of coffee in the morning. I like it more than just about anyone I know. And I have to say, Mickey D's makes a surprisingly good cup of Java. But I've got to tell you, this commercial does -nothing except make me want to smack that guy in his pretentious hipster face. Think you're too good to talk to people in the morning, you little douchebag? Well, have a little talk with the back of my hand.
Also, I'd like to say a word or two about those Hyundai commercials where everyone who's not driving a Hyundai is a sheep. Hey, Hyundai? Here's a news flash. You don't make me want to buy your car by being smug and condescending. Just the opposite, in fact.
Oh, and here's a message to the folks at Charmin: those commercials for toilet tissue with the bears in the woods? We got the joke a long time ago, guys. Bears. Bodily functions. Woods. Really, we get it. It's just tiresome now, when it's not gross. Let it go.
While we're at it, let's face facts: Chester the Cheetos Cheetah has jumped the shark. He was kind of amusing when he was inciting put-upon young women to exact revenge. But when he starts enticing grown men into forts made out of mattresses, it's more than a little disturbing.
And what's the deal with the commercial where Chester and a female music store employee are tormenting another employee - who is, it should be noted, actually eating Cheetos - by playing "Chopsticks" over and over? What message does this send? "Eat our product and we'll still be a jerk to you"? It's almost enough to make me want to boycott Cheetos. Almost.
Tonight is, of course, the Super Bowl, which, among many other things, is the time when advertisers roll out a whole bunch of new commercials.
I probably won't get most of them, either.
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