Friday, January 13, 2006

Man, I Have GOT to Visit Minnesota (UPDATED)

First Jesse Ventura, Now This Guy...

Minnesota voters, who eight years ago elected a former professional wrestler as their governor, may find a self-proclaimed vampire on the ballot for the office this year.

"Politics is a cut-throat business," said Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey, who said he plans to announce his bid for governor Friday on the ticket of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party.

Like Jesse "The Body" Ventura, who was elected governor as an independent in 1998, the 41-year-old Sharkey once was a wrestler, although he spent his time "The Unholiest of Kings: Tarantula" on obscure professional circuits.

"I'm a Satanist who doesn't hate Jesus," Sharkey told Reuters. "I just hate God the Father."

However, he claims to respect all religions and if elected, will post "everything from the Ten Commandments to the Wicca Reed" in government buildings.

Sharkey also pledged to execute convicted murders and child molesters personally by impaling them on a wooden pole outside the state capitol.

Hmmmm....put "suspected" rather than "convicted" in that last sentence and Republicans would vote for him in a landslide.

UPDATE: Of course he has a website.


David Terrenoire said...

I love Minnesota. In the summer.

As for the Impaler, if he was a Republican he could eat puppies on TV and Sean Hannity would report that some people say Hillary eats live babies, so there. Then the Republican voters would bring in that Diebold-enhanced landslide.

David Terrenoire said...

From the web site:

My Magikal Path name is: Lord Ares

Too cool. I want a Magikal Path name. Where do you buy those things? Or can I just make one up?

Dusty, from now on, you can call me Prince Bandu as it's my new Magikal Path name.

Which is much more powerful than a Magical Path name, from people who care about spelling and stuff.

JD Rhoades said...

All hail Bandu!

Lessee, what do I want as my Magikal Path about Baron Wombat?

Stacey Cochran said...

Okay, that made me laugh out loud.