Saturday, April 26, 2008

Mad Scientists Speak Out!

Latest newspaper column:

HOST: Good evening, and welcome to the Discovery Channel's "Mad Scientist Roundtable." Tonight on our special Election Edition, we're going to ask the universe's foremost Evil Geniuses how they would use this election to destroy America. Our guests are Professor Victor Von Ruin, absolute dictator of the tiny Eastern European country of Walpurgia.


HOST: Isn't he great, folks? Also with us is Dr. Strangemind, free-lance evil genius and author of "World Domination for Dummies."

STRANGEMIND: A pleasure to be here, Bob. Now look closely into the rotating hypno-disc. closer.... closer....

HOST: Sorry, Doc, maybe later. And last but certainly not least, we are truly honored to have with us Zarton, science adviser to the Evil Emperor Zork of the Planet Wango.

ZARTON: Resistance is useless! Prepare for your utter destruction, foolish humans!

HOST: Ha Ha! What a kidder! Oops! Careful there, Zarton. You're getting some tentacle slime on the tabletop.

ZARTON: Hissssss ...

HOST: Zarton, remember our agreement. Use your words.

ZARTON: Sorry.

HOST: Now, I understand each of you has brought your own evil device or scheme by which you hope to destroy America. Zarton, since you're from farthest away, let's start with you.

ZARTON: Thank you, Bob. I call my device the Amnesia Ray.

HOST: Well, it certainly has a lot of pretty lights.

ZARTON: It works on your primitive human brains to erase all memory of certain events that happened even a few months ago.

HOST: Can you give us an example?

ZARTON: Well, you remember how your "news media" predicted that if the human female Hillary Clinton did not win your so-called "primary" contests in the provinces known as Ohio and Texas, and win them both decisively, that her bid for the leadership was doomed?

HOST: Well, I do sort of remember...


HOST: What was that?

ZARTON: It seems that, when your votes were counted, the human female Clinton actually did not win any more delegates in the province of Texas. At best, she tied.

HOST: So? She's still in the race. She can still win.

ZARTON: HAHAHAHAAA! You have forgotten everything you once believed! With the Amnesia Ray, we can even make your masses think that the same people who led you into your war in Iraq are the ones who know best on foreign policy!

VON RUIN: Very nice, Zarton.

STRANGEMIND: You are to be commended for your evilness.

HOST: Professor Von Ruin, tell us about your evil scheme.

VON RUIN: Of course. I call mine the Distraction Virus.

HOST: And what does it do?

VON RUIN: It's a genetically engineered virus that affects the human brain, inducing a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder in which the affected persons concentrate on meaningless trivia, rather than on real issues affecting them. And the best part is, it's easily dissolved in water.

HOST: Really?

VON RUIN: Really. In fact, it's in your water glass. So tell me, Bob, with your country involved in a ruinous war, gasoline and food prices rising with no end in sight, millions without health insurance, and the country trillions of dollars in debt, what you see as the most pressing issue before the political candidates?

HOST: Why, flag pins, of course. If folks don't wear flag pins, how can they be true Americans? And food. If persons go to a restaurant and order the wrong kind of food, then they can't understand the common man. That's it. Food. Food and flag pins. Did I mention flag pins?

ZARTON: Brilliant!

STRANGEMIND: Yes, Von Ruin, very fiendish.

HOST: What was I saying?

STRANGEMIND: You were going to ask me about my plan for destroying America.

HOST: Oh. Oh yeah. Flag pins! Sorry, please go on.

STRANGEMIND: Well, dear colleagues, I don't like to gloat.

ZARTON: Foolish human! Of course you do!

VON RUIN: Gloating is one of the perks of this job.

STRANGEMIND: Indeed. Well, my device combines the effects of Zarton's Amnesia Ray with those of Von Ruin's Distraction Virus. It fogs people's minds to the point where they will pick their leaders not on the basis of their qualifications or their competence, but on criteria that seem almost totally random.

ZARTON: You mean ...

VON RUIN: You old dog! Tell me you didn't ...

STRANGEMIND: Yes. I bought a cable news network.


ZARTON: OK, you win.

VON RUIN: Yep, can't beat that.

HOST: This has been "Mad Scientist Roundtable." Remember, if you don't wear your flag pin, you're a Muslim terrorist. Flag pins!

1 comment:

Bill Cameron said...

I was going to say something, but I forgot wha--oh, look, Paris Hilton! She needs a tax cut!