Sunday, June 01, 2008

Can This Relationship Be Saved?

Latest Newspaper Column:

“Gentlemen, the doctor will see you now.”

“Come in, come in. Mr. President…Senator. It’s good to see you.”

"Thanks for agreeing to see us on short notice, doc. I know you’ve got a full schedule.”

“Well, I have to admit, I was a little surprised. But I could hardly turn you down, sir. Or you, Senator.”

“John, aren’t you going to say thank you to the doctor?”

“Uh, yeah, thanks.”

“Come on, you can show more enthusiasm than that, John.”

“George, do we have to do this right now?”

“Oh, you’ve got somewhere else to go? You’ve got something more important to think about than our relationship?”

“Well, yeah, George, actually. I have a campaign event in….”

“And I suppose I’m not invited to this one, either!”

“George, we’ve been over this…”

“See what I mean, doc? He acts like he doesn’t want me around any more!”

“Mr. President….are you crying?”

“You’ve got to help us, doctor. “

“Mr. President…Senator…this isn’t really the kind of couples counseling that I normally do.”

“But you’re supposed to be the best! You’re our only hope.”

“Okay, okay. Have a seat. Both of you. There you go. Mr. President, the tissues are right there on the table.”

“I’m really sorry George is being like this, doctor...”

“Don’t you dare apologize for me!”

“Gentlemen, gentlemen…I don’t think this is productive. Why doesn’t one of you tell me what the problem is.”

“I don’t have the problem. George does.”

“Oh, right, like you’re not as much a part of this as I am!”

“For the love of…”

“Mr. President…George…it really seems like you have something you want to get off your chest. So maybe you should start.”

“Well, doctor, John’s been getting more and more distant from me. Oh, he’s always polite, but…I remember a time when there was so much more. There were all those times we used to hug in public. There was the time he brought me that big cake…you remember the big cake, John?”

“You mean the time John was bringing you a big birthday cake at a fundraising party while New Orleans was drowning? I remember seeing the pictures in the papers, yes.”

“Oh, sure, doc. Throw that up at me again. Whose side are you on, anyway?”

“See, this is a big part of the problem, doctor. George always has to make it about who’s with him and who’s against him.”

“John, let George speak. Then you’ll have your turn, I promise.”

“Oh, all right. “

“Go ahead, George..”

“Anyway, it all came to a head recently. We were supposed to have this big fundraiser in Phoenix. A lot of big shots, a lot of big money. So what does Mr. Big Shot Presumptive nominee do?”

“I’ve tried to explain…”

“He moves it to a ‘private location’! So he could--and this is a quote from your own people John, so don’t try to deny it—‘avoid the cameras!’


“Why don’t you just come out and say it, John! You’re ashamed of me! You’re embarrassed to be seen with me!”


“It’s because I’ve gotten fat, isn’t it!? Well you try keeping your figure eating all that rich food at state dinners!”

“You haven’t gotten fat, George…you’ve gotten...unpopular.”


“Admit it, George! Your poll numbers are the lowest since they started keeping track! You’re…you’re…”

“Senator, don’t say anything that you’ll regret later…”

“No, doctor, we need to get it all out on the table. George…you’re dragging me down.”

“No! It’s not true!”

“It is true and you know it!”

“So what are you saying? You want us to….split up? Doctor, do you think that’s what we should do?”

“Now, now, gentlemen, now that we’ve got all that out in the open, we can have a real discussion. Everybody have a seat. George, put down the paperweight. If the two of you start throwing things, it’ll just confuse the Secret Service. Let’s not make this any harder on them than it has to be, okay?”


“Now, why don’t the two of you start concentrating on the things you have in common? Because, if you’re really honest with one another, you have to admit there are an awful lot of those. You both really like the idea of keeping troops in Iraq. You both want to keep cutting taxes even as deficits spiral out of control. Neither one of you gives a rat’s behind about the health care crisis. You two are soulmates, however much you want to deny it. Now come on. Look into each other’s eyes. Admit it.”



“Hug me.”

“Now see? Isn’t that much better than fighting?”

“Thanks, doctor. You’re a miracle worker.”

“I have my moments. I’ll send you my bill. And could you do me a favor?”

“What’s that, doc?”

“Could you go out the back way? Because I really don’t want to be seen with either of you.”


pattinase (abbott) said...

I swear to God, if they were having sex, they'd be far easier to take.

Judy Nichols said...

There's something sleazy about moving the fundraising event to an undisclosed location. I'm imagining it was a Motel 6 on the wrong side of Phoneix.

Sure George, I'd be glad to meet with you and your stinkin' rich friends, but let's not do it where anyone will see us.