Sunday, August 23, 2009

Looks Nice, But Do You Have It In a .44 Long?

Latest Newspaper Column:
Are guns the new fashion statement?

Whether you're headed out to shout down a congressman at a town hall meeting on health care or attending a presidential speech to show that foreign-born usurper in the White House that you won't be intimidated, a firearm is the must-have fashion accessory this summer for the wingnut on the go.

We talked a little last week about William Kostric, the hardy Vermonter who showed up at a presidential appearance with a gun strapped to his hip because, he told Chris Matthews, he "wanted to be heard." (Kostric did not, as we implied last week, get arrested or have his gun confiscated. That was another fellow nearby who, unlike Kostric, had his gun concealed. This column regrets the error.)

Who knew that Kostric, who's a dead ringer for the guy who played Kramer on Seinfeld, would turn out to be such a trendsetter? Suddenly, it seems, wingnuts who show up to see the president of the United States without a firearm would be so out of style they might as well have shown up in a leisure suit.

At a recent Obama speech in Phoenix, for instance, several folks showed up packing heat. One young man, identified only as "Chris," had an AR-15 assault rifle slung on his shoulder to complement his nice shirt and tie. You could say he was dressed to kill.

Chris told an interviewer he brought the gun to show that "We will forcefully resist people imposing their will on us through the strength of the majority with a vote." I guess this goes to show just how out of fashion I really am, what with believing in democracy and peaceful transfers of power after elections and whatnot. I feel so passe.

The White House, for its part, showed that they're down with this fun new trend. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the White House had no problem with folks showing up with their favorite armament and observed that all of the well-heeled hecklers were acting within local laws.

This attitude must have come as a great disappointment to the ­protesters, in much the same way a teenager is deflated when the outfit she was all geared up to have a ­confrontation over gets only a "you look nice" from Mom. After all, a ­central tenet of wingnut fear is that the Scary Mooslim Man and his ­liberal posse are coming to take their guns.

I imagine Chris secretly felt a little cheated when the cops didn't try to wrest his AR-15 away so he could go all Charlton Heston and start ­screaming about his "cold, dead hand." Next thing you know, Obama won't be trying to kill his grandma, and then what will he have to be upset about?

So now that guns are trendy to wear when you're out and about, what, you may ask, is the proper gun for each occasion? Obviously, each person has to develop their own unique look, but here are some ideas:

For a night out with the missus, say a nice dinner and a show, the classic look of his-and-hers pearl-handled revolvers is always in style. For late-night clubbing, give your outfit a bit of urban chic with the fun and funky MAC-10 machine pistol, or go for a more sophisticated European look with the Heckler and Koch G36 assault rifle.

For church, funerals, and other solemn occasions, something ­dignified and subdued is the way to go, like the simple and unadorned lines of the Glock 9mm (unless you're Jewish, in which case you may prefer the Israeli-made Uzi or Galil assault weapons).

In the workplace, you want to avoid looking flashy or trashy. Avoid firearms with chrome or nickel ­plating, which just screams "look at me!" and shows that you're insecure in your own competence. Something simple and businesslike is the key to tell people you're a force to be ­reckoned with. To that end, you can't go wrong with the .44 magnum. And for real high-powered negotiations: suitcase nuke.

Please, wingnuts, keep carrying guns to political events. They look so good on you. And there's no better way to convince the average American that opponents of health-care reform and of the president aren't crazy.


Celine said...

The thing with the assault rifle was staged:

So Chris wouldn't have been disappointed that the cops (or the Secret Service!) didn't take his manhood away; he already knew there was no risk.

I love the way the wingnut in the clip talks about having a policeman stationed nearby "to protect OUR rights". As though he thought some of the other people there might go all Flight 93 on somebody bringing an assault rifle to a Presidential appearance.

Fran said...

Well now, you did hear that Bill O'Reilly stated that all us lesbians had our own standard issue, dyke approved pink Glocks, didn't you?

I want mine to have a "Hello Kitty" handle, but Lillian says no. Never lets me have any fun.

But thank you for the fashion advice!

JD Rhoades said...

How does one get "dyke approved"? Is there a committee?

Charlieopera said...

Not to worry. As soon as somebody either shoots (or attempts to shoot) the President and/or slaughters have a dozen people (and/or police), a law will be proposed to put an end to the madness of permitting gun toting whackjobs at public forums.

Of course the legislation may take a few years to pass, but I'm sure government security will be ramped up big time.

It'll be interesting to see which takes longer to pass ... national health insurance or legislation prohibiting whackos from bringing their favorite weapons to the party.

Of course if Nader's party had anything to say about it the gun toters wouldn't get to carry their weapons around like banners and national health insurance would've already been enacted.

JD Rhoades said...

Charlie, Obama is having trouble getting things through Congress when his own party has a majority. How well do you think Nader would be doing? Last time I looked he ran with no party at all.

Fran said...

I have NO idea about how to get a Dyke-approved pink Glock, Dusty -- apparently there's a whole lesbian handbook I never got -- but I'm sure Mr. O'Reilly will tell you all about our evil and nefarious pink Glocks when he explains about how we travel in packs all up and down the DC beltway, terrorizing people.

Okay, truth to tell, it was a couple of years ago, and he did sort of take it back, but hey, a girl's gotta have dreams, right?

JD Rhoades said...

That story should be thrown in O"Reilly's face every time he acts like he should be taken seriously.

Gerard Saylor said...

There are the Pink Pistols. Gay dudes who like guns. Well, I suppose lesbians are in the group as well but since chicks don't dig guns as much as guys I'll stick with my "dudes" comment.

Gerard Saylor said...

I take that back about Pink Pistols. I just looked at the webpage and I wonder how active they are at all. The press section was last updated in 2003 and the blog in 2007.

Charlieopera said...

I think until so-called liberal democrats starting voting "Liberal", the Democrats get to act like Republicans; what they're doing right now and ever since George Bush started bailing out Wall Street (which the Democrats and Obama jumped on without reservation).

I think Obama (and his party) have done nothing different than Bush and his party and that if Obama doesn't gut check himself in Afghanistan he will manage to blow the Democratic majority all on his own.

You're right about Nader not getting support but that's only because so-called liberal democrats insist on playing the two party game (and yielding to the centrists in their party).

So far Change We Can Believe In looks an awful lot like Bush III.