Monday, May 29, 2006

BIg Stinkin' Lies and Killer Albino Monks

I'll have a fuller report on Mayhem in the Midlands after I've had time to organize my thoughts, answer all the phone messages, and catch up on my sleep. Until then, you'll have to content yourselves with the latest newspaper column:

The other day, I was riding up U.S. 1 when we passed one of those Christian bookstores. Outside was an illuminated sign describing the week's specials and such.

That week, the sign proudly announced, the featured items were "Books and Videos Refuting The Da Vinci Code."

Hmmm, I thought. That's odd. When I got home, I looked in my copy of Dan Brown's mega-selling thriller. Sure enough, the disclaimer on the flyleaf was just as I remembered it: "All of the characters and events in this book are fictitious," etc.

I scratched my head. Last time I checked, "fictitious" meant "something someone made up." So why, I wondered, was there this sudden need for books and videos refuting made-up stuff?

In case you're one of the five people in the English-speaking world who haven't read the book or seen the movie, it's about a brilliant but studly college professor and a brilliant but smokin' hot French cryptologist who've stumbled across a secret that could shake the foundations of modern religion: Mary Magdalene, rather than being one of those ladies of negotiable virtue, was in reality the wife of Jesus and bore him a child.

The child's descendants live among us today and are being protected by a mysterious organization called the Priory of Sion.

The conservative Catholic organization known as Opus Dei, on the other hand, is willing to do anything to protect the secret, up to and including dispatching killer albino monks to wipe out anyone threatening to expose it.

When all these people collide, hijinks ensue. There are puzzles to be solved and bad guys to be eluded, including the aforementioned killer albino monk. OK, I confess, I just like writing "killer albino monk."

Now, I found The Da Vinci Code quite entertaining, but it seems a little silly to me for anyone to be going to great lengths to refute all this stuff, since it's the sort of thing that would only be treated as fact by the sort of people who line their hats with tinfoil to keep out the rays from the secret mind-control satellites, if you catch my drift.

Then I did a little more research and found something astonishing. While The Da Vinci Code is making a fortune, a smaller but still substantial fortune is being made by people striving mightily to refute a work of fiction.

Well, you know me, folks. Where some people see foolishness, your Humble Columnist sees opportunity. It may be too late for me to jump on the Anti-Da Vinci Code bandwagon, but by golly, there's plenty of other wildly popular entertainment based on wacky religious theories that I can refute.

So I"m announcing the publication of a series of works doing just that. I'll be starting with the series of popular action-adventure films that began with Raiders of the Lost Ark. The first book in the series, Big Stinkin' Liars of the Lost Ark, will conclusively prove that:

*The Bible does not, in fact, speak of Ark of the Covenant "laying waste to entire regions." (It did kill one poor sap whose only sin was touching the Ark to keep it from falling off a wagon and being smashed to bits, which seems inordinately harsh. But I'm sure it's just an error in biblical translation).

* The Nazis did not, in fact, find a city that had been buried in the desert by a sandstorm that lasted a whole year.

* It is not, in fact, possible to ride for thousands of miles on the outside of a submarine with nothing more than the clothes on your back and not die of either drowning, thirst or exposure, to say nothing of being discovered by the crew.

* If someone picks up a piece of red-hot artwork, it is not, in fact, likely that you will be able to recreate the inscription on the artwork from the burn scars on the person"s hand.

The second book, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Big Stinkin' Lies, will expose the long-buried truths that:

* It is not, in fact, possible to slide down a Himalayan mountain using a rubber raft as a sled.

* Smart-alecky little Asian kids are not, in fact, cute.

* Kate Capshaw cannot, in fact, act her way out of a paper bag.

In Book Three, Indiana Jones Is Still a Big Stinkin' Liar, I will reveal to the world that:

* The Holy Grail is not, in fact, guarded by an immortal knight who's spent the least couple of thousand years in a cave with no restrooms.

* While Sean Connery played Harrison Ford's father in the film, he is only 12 years older than Ford in real life.

So. I've got a concept. I've got an outline. Now all I need is a publisher. Oh, and I also need to find a way to work killer albino monks into the book. Then I'm good to go. Happy reading!


James Lincoln Warren said...


Flip Dixon said...

I take offense at your flippant references to "killer albino monks."

Albinos have been negatively portrayed in over 157 films and your insensitive remarks simply inflame the hatred.

I am shocked that a self-proclaimed progressive such as yourself would resort to such despicable conduct.

Anonymous said...

If you come on down to the Open Bible Church & Bottle Redemption Center this Sunday, you'll hear me speak on why the so-called Angel character in the X-Men movie is really a servant of Satan.

--Reverend Otis Oracle

Stephen Blackmoore said...

Blaspheming swine! Philistine dog! Sarasen pig! Spanish fly!

How dare you refute the acclaimed works of Dr. Henry Jones! You shall burn in the holy fires of Kali-ma!

And so what if Sean Connery is only 12 years older than Ford? It's James frickin' Bond. He was banging evil villainesses when he was 9.

Anonymous said...

Albinos are creepy.

Monks are creepy.

Masochists are creepy.

Thus: killer + albino + monk who whips himself = The Perfect Creepy Movie Villain.

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

Flip Dixon said...

Anonymous, I am highly disappointed by your statements of hatred against albinos.

This is a sad day for this blog.

JD Rhoades said...

Maybe he's trying to strike a blow against the white man.

Flip Dixon said...

Don't be insensitive Mr. Rhoades -- please keep in mind that not everyone in this country was born with your "swarthy" good looks.

James Lincoln Warren said...

PBP, you're really missing the point.

Blame Dan Brown for stereotyping, not Rusty. Rusty wasn't making fun of albinos. He was making fun of bad writing.

JD Rhoades said...

Who is this Rusty person?

"I swear, white folks get stranger all the time."
-Smokey in The Brother From Another Planet

Anonymous said...


A group of twenty albinos turned out to protest the screening of The DaVinci Code at a local cineplex Monday afternoon. The demonstration broke up quickly, though, as the protesters all went home to get out of the bright sunshine.

"Light bad," said one demonstrator who asked that his name be withheld. "Must get back to crypt...dark there...dark nice." Then he bared his fang-like incisors and fled down an alley.

But the controversy was far from over. Another member of the group was heard shouting, "We'll be back when the sun goes down."

Patrick Shawn Bagley said...

Are there any groups left of whom it is still okay to make fun? Drunks? Midgets? Rednecks? Fat people? I've lost track, so please help me out here.

JD Rhoades said...

Are there any groups left of whom it is still okay to make fun? Drunks? Midgets? Rednecks? Fat people?

Rednecks and fat people are still fair game.

Flip Dixon said...

I will be sending an e-mail to the National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation. You will be hearing from them shortly, I suspect.

David Terrenoire said...

Jesus was albino.

Little known fact, but it's the basis for my next book.

Patrick Shawn Bagley said...

Johnny Winter. Now there's a badass albino. Is Edgar an albino, too? I can never remember. Now that damn riff from "Frankenstein" is going through my head.

Flip Dixon said...

James, J.D.'s nickname isn't "Rusty."

It's "Crusty."

JD Rhoades said...


Never heard THAT one before.

David Terrenoire said...

I thought his nickname was Toasty. Huh, live and learn.

Flip Dixon said...

The gals at Bcon like to call him "lusty"

Whereas, after reading his prose, I prefer to call him "musty"

James Lincoln Warren said...

Dusty. I meant Dusty.

JD Rhoades said...

Now you get it right.

James Lincoln Warren said...

Edgar is also extremely white.

If you ever saw me on the beach, that would be blinding, too.

All right, too much information.

Right, Lusty?

Pat Kight said...

Lusty, for certain.

(A great big "howdy" from a voice from your past who just found you on the blogosphere, Lusty, er, Dusty. I shoulda known...)

For The Trees said...

The biggest problem with having a blog is that all SORTS of people from your past show up and start talking about stuff you'd forgotten since 7th grade. I've got three of them reading MY blog. God, it's embarrassing, especially when they call me Phrosty. I really wasn't all that cold-hearted, really...

Keep the faith, Fusty. It'll get better, they'll get tired of calling you Busty.

Patrick Shawn Bagley said...


Years ago, Harlan Ellison wrote an essay called "Xenogenesis," about encounters with deranged fans. You might want to track it down and give it a read. If I remember correctly, you'll find someone a lot like plot baby plot in those pages.

Flip Dixon said...

Needless to say, I'm a big fan of Lusty Rhoades and I'm keeping a very close eye on his tour schedule.

I plan to sneak up on him very soon. I have a few unpublished manuscripts I'd like him to read. Plus, I have also knitted him a very nice sweater to wear.

JD Rhoades said...

(A great big "howdy" from a voice from your past who just found you on the blogosphere, Lusty, er, Dusty. I shoulda known...)

Jez! Baby doll! C'mover here and give us a kiss...

I'm a big fan of Lusty Rhoades and I'm keeping a very close eye on his tour schedule.

I plan to sneak up on him very soon. I have a few unpublished manuscripts I'd like him to read.

Looks like I'm going to need bodyguards. Anyone know a service that provides buxom female ones with leather pants and kick-ass martial arts skills?

'Cause that would be awesome.

Flip Dixon said...

Just for that remark, I won't be giving you the sweater!