Saturday, December 20, 2008

Dear Santa

Latest Newspaper Column:
Once again for the holiday season, your Intrepid Columnist and his team of researchers have obtained, at great personal risk, the following documents from a secret facility high in the Arctic:

Dear Santa:

I don't know what happened. One minute it was like me and Sen. McCain and Gov. Palin were best buddies. We were like the Three Amigos. Everywhere they went it was "Joe the Plumber this," and "Joe the Plumber that," and "Where's Joe the Plumber?"

Gov. Palin even winked at me one time. I'm pretty sure it was me. I mean, I was home watching it on TV, but she had that special smile that said. "That Joe the Plumber, he's a heckuva regular, rugged, real American-type guy, what with the shaved head and the plumbin' and the not pallin' around with terrorists."

But now, Sen. McCain won't return my phone calls and Sarah -- I mean Gov. Palin -- seems to have changed her phone number. And all those creeps in the liberal media won't even let me on their shows and make stuff up about Obama and Israel anymore. It's gotten kind of lonely out here in Ohio.

So what I'd really like for Christmas is another 15 minutes of fame. If I can't have that, do you have Sarah's -- I mean Gov. Palin's -- home phone number?

-- Joe W. (the Plumber), Ohio

(Note to staff: Let's see if we can pull a few strings and get Little Joey the plumber's license he didn't have so he can be a plumber for real and not just a pretend one for a change. -- S.)

Dear Santa:

OK, ya fat [bleep], I know you're a guy who'll play ball.

I got this [bleeping] Senate seat here and it's really [bleeping] valuable. I'm not going to [bleeping] give it up for [bleeping] nothing. So whaddya say? You wanna be a senator from Illinois? It's gonna cost ya.

I want a Wii. One of the good ones, with extra controllers. And an iPod. And about a dozen of those [bleeping] Elmo Live dolls, so I can sell them to friends whose kids really want them. I bet that [bleep] Obama will be ready to deal when those kids of his start wailing for the Elmo. That'll show the [bleep].

Anyway, give me a call. But call me on my cell, because the [bleeping] office phones have this funny buzzing noise on the line.

-- Rod B, Chicago

(Note to staff: How many lumps of coal do we have in stock to give this [bleep]? -- S.)

Dear Santa:

I have been extra good this year. I didn't start a war with anyone over phony WMDs, and when it looked like a major city was going to get hit by a hurricane, I actually didn't go on vacation.

I was going to ask for a new pair of shoes, but a nice Iraqi reporter gave me his when I was there. He seemed real enthusiastical about giving them to me, too. I thought that was nice to give me a gift at the Christmas season even though he was probably one of those Islam guys.

So to show my own big heartitude at the season of giving, could you bring him some new shoes in whatever rat-infested torture chamber the new Iraqi government is keeping him in? Thanks.

-- George, Washington, D.C.

(Note to staff: I thought we were going to get little Georgie a sense of irony last year? Did that fall through? Please advise. -- S.)

Dear Santa:

I know I asked last year for a big win for the party in 2008. But wow. I mean, when we nominated a black guy with a Muslim name, I was thinking it was all over. But man, John McCain and Sarah Palin -- what a gift they turned out to be!

I'm so happy, in fact, that I really don't have much to ask for this year. I hear that the Republicans are talking about how they need to be more like Gov. Palin and keep making up scary stuff about the other guy and talking about who's a real American and who's not.

So all I really ask for, Santa, is: Please please please let them keep doing that. Because I know we haven't won much, but I'm kind of starting to like it.

-- Howard, Democratic National Committee

(Note to staff: No need to act on this one. Just let nature take its course. -- S.)

Dear Santa:

If we don't get $25 billion, right now, we're going to destroy the economy. Don't think we're bluffing, and don't think of asking how we plan to spend it. We want to keep building gas guzzlers, we're gonna do it, see? Oh, and our jets. We want our jets back. We mean it, fat boy. Dec. 26, we start tossing out bodies.

-- The Big Three, Detroit

(Note to staff: It's not going to work with me, either. I think we're going to need to order more coal. -- S.)


Anonymous said...

Heh. I just wish you'd had enough space to sneak in one from the finance companies, thanking him for getting their present to them early... and then begging for more.

Caveat said...

Great column! You captured them perfectly!

Anonymous said...

Heartitude? Love it. Thanks!

L.J. Sellers said...

You always nail it. Thanks for making me smile.